New York – With the issue of at risk teens becoming an increasingly common phenomenon in our society, a renowned educator offered practical guidance and advice on how to parent children effectively in these particularly turbulent times at a shiur in Flatbush last Tuesday night.
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Speaking at an event hosted by Irgun Shiurei Torah at the Bostoner Shul, Rabbi Yaakov Bender, Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshiva Darchei Torah in Far Rockaway, spoke passionately about the importance of raising children with a healthy balance of both firm discipline and unadulterated love.
Saying that there is no rhyme or reason why particular children go off the derech, Rabbi Bender counseled parents to continue to shower their children with love and positive messages, despite the problems that they may be causing.
A must listen to every parent: The full 1 hour speech below.
Rabbi Bender quoted a story brought down about Rav Shach who was adamant in his position that even children who have strayed can still be considered tremendous baalei middos. As described in a sefer about Rav Shach, a bochur was interested in a shidduch with a young lady from a respectable family, but the bochur’s mother insisted that the shidduch was not appropriate because the girl had a brother who had gone off the derech. The bochur spoke to Rav Shach who clarified that while the mother was correct that it is important to verify that a prospective kallah’s brothers have good middos, it makes no difference if there is a brother who is off the derech.
Still unhappy with the prospective shidduch, the mother went back to Rav Shach with her son, in order to understand how anyone who had gone off the derech, and was clearly causing their parents tremendous anguish, could possibly be considered a baal middos.
“It has nothing to do with that,” replied Rav Shach. “They don’t think about that. They have a tayva or a yetzer hora that came into their heads. They could be wonderful baalei midos. He isn’t doing it to you. He is only thinking about what he needs at that particular moment.”
Rabbi Bender emphasized that many children who stray are good kids from good homes and that in time, if shown proper support by their families and are not pressured and made to feel guilty for their actions, most eventually find their way back to their roots.
“There is no rhyme there is no reason why it happens. Just kill them with love,” said Rabbi Bender. “You’ll see, they’ll come back. In general they come back. You have a right to ask them that if they are doing something wrong to do it behind closed doors…the biggest thing will be for your other kids to see that you treat your son or daughter straight, that you are nice to them, that is the key to chinuch.”
Rabbi Bender was equally firm in his beliefs that it is love and happiness that are the key to producing respectful, obedient children.
Quoting a mashal from his mother, a student of Sara Schenirer, who was widowed at an early age, Rabbi Bender stressed the need for raising children with kindness.
“When you walk into a glass factory…what do you find on the floor? There is glass all over the floor. When you walk into a printing shop…wherever you walk there are papers on the floor. That is the meaning of a printing shop. But when you are working with children? Be careful not to let the children be on the floor…when you are working with children there can be no hesech hadaas…everything that you do has to be thinking about the children and what will be best for them. And you can’t stop for a second. You don’t want to step on glass, you don’t want to step on paper, you certainly don’t want to step on children.”
Raising children in an environment that exudes simchas hachaim is of paramount importance, according to Rabbi Bender who added that while chutzpah should never be tolerated and that firm discipline is imperative, children need to be raised with kindness and positive messages.
“Motivate with the carrot, not the stick,” said Rabbi Bender. “Pick your fights. Don’t make demands on your kids that things have to be a certain way.”
Quoting Reb Yaakov Kaminetzky Rabbi Bender added, “don’t give them mussar on things that they won’t be doing when they are twenty.”
We should have more educators in our Mosdos HaTorah like Rabbi Bender… straight forward with emes..
Fantastic! Once again Rabbi Bender shares with us remarkable insight that only a true mechanech who loves his talmidim can!
Rav Bender is the head of the Lamed vav tzadikim.
i would have thought that in today world with what we face on a day to day basis for our children it would have been packed out, do people not care for their children, the place was empty
Can someone post a link to the audio? youtube is blocked for me…
Very strong words regarding somebody’s lost object, “How can I keep somebody else’s object while that person is very upset about losing his belonging”.
We should start emphasizing to our children, this Logic, especially when we find a Chefetz of a Einu Yehudi. The Dogush should not be Kiddush Hashem or Darkei Sholom; The Dogush should be, that, “There is another Human Being that is being hurt by me not returning his lost object”. This will go a long way in improving our chidren’s true respect and kindness to our civil neighbors.
Thanks VIN for the great service in broadcasting this session. We need to hear more like these. An idea: How about VIN with channels, for news, classes on shalom bayit, chinuch, time management etc.
Great class, inspiring and instructive.
Over the years, we have seen too many teens become at risk. Sometimes, as Rav Bender says, there is no rhyme or reason. Sometimes there is–abuse, constant quarreling between parents, divorce, a sick child needing constant attention. However, there is a major reason that we hear about time and time again, from people in their 60s and younger who are no longer frum–being ridiculed by a teacher or Rebbe. Being hit. (yes, it still happens). Some people think that just because they went to a seminary or if he sat and learned in yeshiva for a number of years, qualifies him/her to be a teacher or Rebbe. It doesn’t! Teaching is a combination of love of the subject, love of your students. Respect no matter what age the child is. Children who are constantly embarrassed by the teacher, are then abused by their fellow classmates. Many of these people have absolutely NO BUSINESS being in chinuch. We almost lost one of our kids because of this, but in spite of it she turned herself around & became her own magnificent person, wife and mom extraordinaire. She is so tuned in to her children–I’ve never seen something like that.
to finish myself–My daughter is frum Baruch Hashem–because we never lost faith and neither did she. Many of the yeshivas and schools have their own relatives teaching there. Nepotism at its best. Just because he is the Rosh Yeshiva’s son doesn’t make him qualified to be a Rebbe or a magid shiur. The same in the girls’ schools. Just because your mother is the menaheles doesn’t qualify her daughter to teach. All the yeshivos and girls’ schools need to look within themselves to straighten themselves out. They are a big part of the problem. One of the most prominent yeshivas here in Brooklyn had a kindergarten teacher who had been there many years. She was extraordinary and we couldn’t wait for our youngest to be her talmid. Then she called me and told me she is no longer teaching there, she told me –to my utter shock–that the menahel told her point blank–We can get a girl straight out of seminary for half of what it costs us to pay you !!! So they aren’t interested in quality–money is the bottom line. For shame
I have a son, who was put in a closet during class. The rebbe figured it must be good chinuch. Before anyone starts telling me why kids go off the derech, maybe one of the reasons is because they don’t have people to look up to.
What do we do when we have a teen at risk who molests other teens or children? Do we still try and work with him and turn him around or is that a case for the authorities? Truly a dilemma. Any perspectives?
…And don’t tell the child, to break off ties with his parents because they stand in the way of his progress. Or for that matter telling the parents that the grandparents are too involved and undermining their authority thereby blaming the grandparents & advising the parents of the child to break ties with their parents. This causes two terrible Avairos! 1. Kibud Av v’Aim 2. Machlokes! Maybe we should all be like Aharon HaKohain and be Ohaiv Sholom VeRodaif Shaolom! Tell the child (teen) how much his parents really love him (her) and tell the parents how confused the child is and would love a warm relationship with them! I would love to hear Rabbi Bender’s opinion on this topic!
I didn’t think you would permit my earlier post. While you allow every illiterate ignoramous to post their dribble, mine you don’t have the guts to post because it dares to speak against the right-wing yeshiva narrow-minded mentality. That, and you know it’s the emes – chas v’shalom people should hear it.
You all are an embarrasment and a joke.