New York – Noted Orthodox Therapist Takes On Marital Intimacy In New Book

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    New York – A new book by a well known marital and family therapist in the Jewish community tackles the previously taboo subject of marital intimacy.

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    Getting Closer – Understanding and Treating Issues in Marital Intimacy: A Guide for Orthodox Couples is the third book written by Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, whose previous works tackled practical advice for married couples and parenting teens at risk.

    “This is a very serious problem in the frum community,” Rabbi Schonbuch told VIN News. “I have been doing marriage counseling for about four years and what I realized is that when a couple comes to me for counseling, they could be sitting for maybe ten or fifteen sessions fighting about issues including in laws, mortgages and other problems, but the real issues are unresolved sexual problems.”

    Rabbi Schonbuch began his career in counseling when, as National Education Director for NCSY, he encountered many teens at risk.

    “I went to school and got a degree in counseling to be able to better help those teens,” explained Rabbi Schonbuch. “But I realized that many kids have problems because their parents have problems and I went back to get a degree in couples counseling.”

    According to Rabbi Schonbuch, while unresolved marital intimacy issues are common in the Orthodox community, it is a topic that is rarely discussed, forcing people to go to non-Jewish sources to solve the problem, often receiving advice that is either counter to halacha or just plain bad advice.

    “I decided to write a book to help these couples and give them real therapeutic advice,” said Schonbuch who estimates he sees over one thousand couples annually in his three New York area offices. “There are so many basics that people just don’t know and many of the problems that people encounter are common and treatable. By identifying the problems and acknowledging that they exist, couples can go to the right people and get help.”

    Rabbi Schonbuch collaborated with leading medical experts Dr. Heather Appelbaum, Associate Professor of Obstetrics, Gynecology and Reproductive Medicine at Hofstra North Shore Long Island Jewish University School of Medicine and Dr. Robin Bliss, who specializes in obstetrics and gynecology at Long Island Jewish Medical Center, on his latest book which is also endorsed by Rabbi Tzvi Hersh Weinreb PhD, Executive Vice President Emeritus at the Orthodox Union.

    Getting Closer tackles a variety of topics including fear of intimacy, infertility, post partum depression and internet addiction and is available on Amazon.com and in both Jewish and national bookstores. For a free preview of the book or to purchase the ebook or Kindle versions go to www.jewishmarriagesupport.com.


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    43 Comments
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    neezoogshoin
    neezoogshoin
    10 years ago

    Haters are gonna hate, but this is soooo important. Unfortunately the chussen kallah education system in our community is extremely lacking and inadequate. “Rebetzins” do not teach intimacy; many in fact simply teach that you need to be a slave to your husband (that is what my wife was taught).

    How many marriages will be saved if this issue is addressed rather than shoved under the rug with all our other issues. Bucherim straight out of yeshiva don’t have the slightest clue about intimacy; being taught “the act” by your local “rabbi” does not constitute a proper sexual education, and the rabbi or rebetzin in question is the only one to blame when serious marital issues and extramarital affairs arise due to the complete lack of intimacy.

    10 years ago

    to # 1
    i think todays choson and kalla are much more prepared regarding intimacy then when you and i got married. if for no other reason as todays day and age they are more informed and if i can borrow the expression “STREET WISE” which is bad not good .todays choson and kalla teachers must be open to present the torah view of intimacy. this book is definate must read to all those who teach chasanim and kallas. in any marrige the emotional and physical are both very important and are the basics and a necessity for any marrige to be sustained

    PowerUp
    PowerUp
    10 years ago

    We need more people like rabbi schonbuch, and we must destigmatize people who are seeking theraphy in thid area.

    There is no greater thing that one can do to bring moshiach, as helping jewish couples live “b’achdus’ , the gemara says that “k’illy bunu achas mychurvus yesrishulayim”. Kudos to rabbi Sc..

    ShlomoA
    ShlomoA
    10 years ago

    He has been doing marriage counselling for FOUR years . and presto he is the expert.

    jack-l
    jack-l
    10 years ago

    the overiding criteria for a couple in the “parsha” right age …check similiar back grounds and compatible goals check. But then how could it be otherwise. … chinuch and social pressure ensures that the young are mass produced with a cookie cutter mentality . Very little knowledge of respect for the “other” .or the word compromse.
    Pinkt farkert. and then the most important criteria that they see before it is a done deal is the ….financial agreement between the inlaws.
    Our children are not getting the education , information and direction they desperately need to survive in these troubled times. We the parents are to blame.
    We have filled their heads with pie in the sky instead of common sense. and that is one of the main reasons the divorce rate among the orthodox jewish population has skyrocketed.

    ModernLakewoodGuy
    ModernLakewoodGuy
    10 years ago

    When you go through the first 18 years of your life being told sex is dirty and evil,. and you must avoid looking at, talking to or interacting with the opposite sex, how on earth can you expect anyone to have a successful intimate relationship with a person they go on for 5 dates and then marry?

    10 years ago

    Most of my kinders’ friends are married by the time they are 18 and they are parents by the time they are 19 or 20. They know nothing whatsoever about intimacy or sexual functions of the human body–they only know about the financial benefits of marrying the “right” person. It’s a shanda how many of them are miserable before they are 20 and even worse, how many go off the derech due to this bitterness. We have got to do better.

    mutti
    mutti
    10 years ago

    kol hakavod, the real problem lies in rabbis who think they’re sex experts and give horrible advice.

    sane
    sane
    10 years ago

    What did they do in Europe?

    bracha18
    bracha18
    10 years ago

    Kol Hakavod! We need more such people to bring the real issues to the forefront…. we can no longer hide behind the mask that all is well in our community.
    children are a reflection of our homes and our society as a whole. Many are going off- by the seconds. and the ones that are staying in… are only staying for fear of being abandoned and shunned- yet they are merely shuffling through the system, through life, through religion… and so the cycle continues….

    This is a very common issue amongst the orthodox community… yet people are ashamed to seek help. with good reason…how can they discuss something that is so “wrong”….or “shameful” with a frum therapist…

    kallah teachers- not all- but some are very vague… either they say the wife has to comply… blah blah… and when it comes down to halachic questions… they are not considered approachable enough to ask…
    girls are frummer than many of the boys- even if they dress more modern… who can these girls turn to- when the husband is asking for something that they were not taught about- or were taught is wrong?
    I am writing based off- many women I have heard this from….

    berelw
    berelw
    10 years ago

    there is no question without intimacy and being sensitive to ones spouse, there cannot be a good marriage. b”h were i come from its taught marriage and intimacy is holy and important, making her happy and pleasing her is Paramount…i was taught if there is peace in the home then the schina shines….can you guess what type of chasidus i belong to???.

    agaon
    agaon
    10 years ago

    (Reply #10 ) its not the what to do-its the how you go about it! This type of book is LONG overdue!

    yidineh
    yidineh
    10 years ago

    I dont know who taught you,but no one ever told me that sex was evil or dirty, just that there is a time and place for it. I guess that my teachers were a lot more savvy and a lot wiser than yours. And some of those teachers were students of Sara Shenirer so i guess she didnt either teach them that intimacy was dirty or evil

    Yitzchok
    Yitzchok
    10 years ago

    Intamicy shmintemact!! That’s for the non-Jews.

    We get married so that we can have children and so that they can have children and so on. The Jewish nation needs to live on. If you want enjoyment, eat hot kugel on shabbos!!

    posaikacharon
    posaikacharon
    10 years ago

    With all the expert opinions written and commented we might have enough material for yet another book.

    yunggrama
    yunggrama
    10 years ago

    I have no intimate issues at all!!!!!! My kids were taught well! And yet have 2 kids off the derech!!!!! Its all a baloney!!!!!

    TexasJew
    TexasJew
    10 years ago

    #20
    I truly have pity on your kids and their kids. There’s a lot more to life than just having kids. Having kids is the easy part. Having them grow up and be mentches is a lot more difficult and if successful even more so.

    10 years ago

    the secular world has all the “education” on this subject and yet there are so many messed-up people. a choson/kalla teacher cannot teach “intimacy”. they teach halachas, respect and proper behaviour between man and wife. Intimacy is a feeling, not a subject to be taught. With love and respect it grows and gets better with time.