New York – The preeminent sacred cow to many Jews is compassion for agunot (“chained” women whose husbands withhold a Jewish bill of divorce, or “Get”). But enough already: the Internet crowd attacking Avrohom Meir Weiss in his divorce from Gital Dodelson is becoming as heartless and halachically problematic as Weiss himself.
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Dodelson fired the first public salvo with a Nov. 4 article in The New York Post stating that Weiss has refused her a Get for more than three years. She provided unquestionably disturbing details, such as that Weiss demanded $350,000 to back down and said “I can’t give you a Get – how else would I control you?”
I sympathize with Dodelson – and here I completely accept her version of the truth. Every agunah situation is a tragedy, more so when children are involved (the couple has a son). Dodelson’s supporters have organized a Web site, setgitalfree.com, and an associated Facebook page.
But their methods reflect poorly on the entire urgent movement to help agunot. Instead of the traditional focus on the recalcitrant husband, this bandwagon mostly targets Weiss’s relatives.
First, Internet warriors boycotted Orthodox publisher ArtScroll until it fired Weiss’s father and uncle. A Facebook commenter claimed victory, saying ArtScroll “heard us loud and clear, and they did exactly what we asked.”
Next, agunah activists turned against Yeshiva of Staten Island (YSI), where Weiss learns and which is run by his grandfather, Rabbi Reuven Feinstein. They demanded that the Rabbinical Council of America (RCA) remove YSI’s accreditation and reject rabbis ordained by the yeshiva’s sister school. They also convinced at least one synagogue to cancel an appearance by Rabbi Feinstein.
“Set Gital Free” even bullied Weiss’s elderly grandmother by publishing her telephone number and urging people to “politely and respectfully” inundate her with calls until a Get is granted.
The pro-Dodelson site calls these family members “enablers” who “support” Weiss’s actions. But the relatives are pretty much chained themselves – caught in the no-win position of wishing to succor a humiliated loved one while wanting an ugly divorce resolved. Besides, who knows what they’ve said to Weiss privately?
Those who punish relatives of Get refusers remind me of opponents of Israel’s policies on the West Bank who randomly say “I know – let’s boycott Israeli universities and scholars!” Only this improvisation is worse.
No act, however spiteful, justifies a posse deciding to assault the livelihoods and reputations of relatives and colleagues. It doesn’t seem very Jewish to me: Did a horde attack Jacob because of Esau’s misdeeds, or Jonathan because of Saul’s?
So I contacted RCA Executive Vice President Rabbi Mark Dratch, the rabbi “Set Gital Free” recommended to explain the Torah basis for their strategy. To my surprise, he said absolutely nothing in halachic literature endorses communal pressure on family members of Get refusers, and he never prescribed that approach. Thus, the activists are disregarding the counsel of the man they claim is their rabbi. Orthodox Jews just don’t do that.
I later consulted Rabbi Jeremy Stern from the Organization for the Resolution of Agunot (ORA), who also could think of no text in a Jewish source describing anything like the “Free Gital” tactics – and he would know. ORA’s extensive Web site promotes many ways to pressure husbands but none to pressure relatives.
Rabbi Stern referenced the impressive “Kol Koreh” (proclamation) signed by ten leading American rabbis, including five from the renowned Council of Torah Sages and ORA’s halachic expert, Yeshiva University Rosh Yeshiva Rabbi Herschel Schachter.
The Kol Koreh imposes more than a dozen harsh penalties on Weiss, but only one regarding his family: that ArtScroll must terminate the father and uncle. That directive clearly relates to the laws of a Jewish court (beit din), not those of agunot, since any man who flouts a beit din’s rulings risks retribution. But the rabbis didn’t call for a boycott. (The Facebook site’s supposed triumph over ArtScroll is absurd – as if it had more sway than our generation’s most respected rabbis.) The proclamation also says nothing about canceled speeches, disaccreditations, rejected ordinations, or harassment of old ladies.
Rabbi Schachter and several other Kol Koreh rabbis have been “consulted” throughout the process, Rabbi Stern said. But he would not answer specific questions whether Rabbi Schachter (who declined comment) approved the extreme actions against the relatives. Surely the Gedolei Hador (today’s leading rabbis) would have demanded further steps against the family in the Kol Koreh if they felt them licit and necessary.
It’s alarming that poor Gital’s agunah case would arouse the most disproportionate response in Jewish history undoubtedly due to a 2,500-word essay in a non-Jewish newspaper. Now, before you get out the pitchforks: I don’t defend Weiss one bit. I just think we should heed the measured voice of the Kol Koreh instead of the “Set Gital Free” overreaction.
David Benkof lives in Jerusalem, where he teaches Hebrew at a yeshiva and constructs the weekly Jerusalem Post crossword puzzle.
He can be reached at[email protected].
I had a brother who refused a GET to his wife for 4 1/2 years and it was only after all the pressure on my parents and family that caused him to give a GET…
Yes if someone knows he looses his Parnassah,Shul,Yeshiva ,Friends he will end up giving his wife a GET…(except if you are dealing with a total looser nutcase)….
gut gut gut … but just give a get already
there are rabbis out there who think they are a bais din or G-d themselves.
they are so full of themselves that they decide things that are way beyond what they should be doing. they need to relearn mentchlechkeit
Quote,.”Surly would today’s leading rabbis have issued in the lol Koran further steps against the family if the felt its important.” Well you Might be right but I’d take out the word Surly.
Cuz its very very hard in today’s generation were people don’t heed so much to the Gedoli Hador and they’re just afraid to say their word.
Whatever it takes should be OK. The solution only takes about an hour.
Firstly, early on in the Saga, Gital asked Avrohom Meir for a get and he told her “speak to my uncle”
Second, AM apparently holds his grandfather in the highest esteem (stated once that his grandfather has ruach hakodesh) and I believe that he’d give the get if his grandfather told him to.
And before you get all indignant about “harassment of old ladies”. I approached Sheila Feinstein on this matter and she started yelling that Gital is a liar and a witch and IF ONLY Gital would “stop backing out of negotiation, he’d give the get”
The “negotiation” being demands to change the court ordered custody arrangement and the reimbursement of Weiss’ legal fees.
A friend of mine spoke to Sheila a few months ago, and Shiela told her that for a million dollars AM would consider giving a get.
Finally, seeing that you’re such a maven, what do you suggest the Dodelsons do?
Under the circumstances, the Dodelsons are behaving with remarkable dignity. Rachmana Litzlan, I don’t wish this on any good yid, but wouldn’t you tear down walls to save your daughters life?
To the contrary, while I initially believed Dodelson, her (family’s) attacks against everybody else, including Rabbi Reuven Feinstein, have led me to believe that she is not being totally truthful, and that she is as guilty as Weiss in “stretching” the truth. Her actions make it clear that there is absolutely no reason to believe her side of the story over his, leading me to take no side at all. I also note that her toein is Shmuel Fried, a dishonest scumbag if there ever was one. If that is who she picks for her toein, then I further question her overall honesty.
I think the Kohanim in Nov pretty much did arrange for the killing of much of Shaul’s and Yonatan’s family. As for Yaakov and Eisav, they pretty much lived separate lives.
In any event, I think the issue here was that Weiss’ family was prominent and therefore was able to shield him from the consequences of his actions. It therefore became necessary to shake up his defenses. No one said it was fair or good, just maybe an unfortunate necessity.
The people in the less powerful positions are the ones that have to resort to unconventional warfare and this has become a war.
Holding back a get is an extreme torturous situation . You do what is necessary to procure it. It may not be nice, but that is her situation . I’m not taking sides, but holding back sometimes backfires. They should sit down in a beis din and listen to them, otherwise don’t complain .
According to halacha he is obligated to give her kesuba money equivalent 2 years of current living expenses or what ever it says in the kesuba not the other way around. If he has no answer why he doesn’t give her a get then he is on the guilty side.
Why doesnt Rav Reuven release a statement explaining his position on his grandson’s refusal? Why doesn’t he make it irrevocably clear to us all that he’s disgusted by how long it’s taken? We know that his grandson holds him in extremely high esteem…does he not realize that he has the ability to bring an end to this colossal Chillul Hashem? If money is the problem…the whole yeshiva should be shut down. How dare Mr. Weiss refuse to give his wife a get over money. This is an affront to the memory of Rav Moshe ztzvk”l, and the whole Feinstein/Weiss family should be ashamed. At least explain why a bas yisroel is unable to get on with her life 4 YEARS AFTER A CIVIL DIVORCE WAS COMPLETED! This is infuriating
I am a semi-retired attorney who had an active divorce component to my practice. In my experience, which is admittedly, (despite its breath and duration, anecdotal, the father of the husband refusing to give a get, was usually the main source of the problem.
While i can’t locate a copy of the statement made by the husband’s father at the outset of the public phase of this dispute, I do recall that it asserted the right of the husband to withhold the get until his demands were met, even if those demands had already been adjudicated.
You have a good point. But getting them to stop by doing it back to them is just as bad and there aren’t many other options.
And I must mention that I personally spoke to multiple of the Gedolim that signed the Kol Koreh and two of them told me that what they signed didn’t say anything about Weiss’s family (including the entire paragraph about Artscroll).
Dear Mr. Benkof, Even if your argument was persuasive, which it isn’t, the question would still beg as to, why would are you so compelled to defend the position of the family of the “Get refuser” and not the “chained woman”, Gitel. You are like the people who rush to the defense of people accused of molestation and not to the side of the victim. This question especially presents in this particular case, where the man’s family are chashivah Rabbanim and could influence this “Get refuser” to get (no pun) the mental help that he needs to deal with his control issues and to deliver the “Get”. The entire flavor of your piece distastes with disingenuousness. This isn’t a crossword puzzle, this is the life of a woman and we will apply any and all legal pressure to this family that is possible.
Furthermore, your article only serves to give strength to this cretin “Get refuser”, so that people will have to double their efforts against him and his family until they relent. I hope your article only serves to cause further pressure against the family.
I believe the Author misses some points.
a- Not giving a get is a form of abuse. Since Halacha limits the power of the woman, the man has the “koach” and if he uses it to trap his wife that is categorical abuse. If Gital had bruises on her face would anyone support the abuser?
b- For those who have allowed the traditional use of shaming and community exclusion as practiced in Ashkenaz (Sephardi rabbanim never accepted R’ Tam) not giving aliyot and other public demonstrations that the recalcitrant husband is “outside the fold.” That was the limit of their power.
c- If the family publicly enable the abuse- woe unto them. If these are the midot of the Yeshiva or Kollel, G’virim should support yeshivot that encourage ethical behavior. One is under no obligation to support mosdos or businesses that ally themselves with get abusers. Anyone who gives a get abuser money is preventing an Agunah from getting her get. It really is that simple. If AMW had no support, he’d give the get
d- Knowing both R’ Dratch and R’ Stern personal and public conversations I find your quotes are taken out of context. Both of them do in fact support the public demonstrations ORA is famous for.
This article gave me a chuckle. You want to say that prominent members of a family that work at ArtScroll, grandfathers that rode on prominent golden parachute of famed last name and a family that has their own yeshiva does not have the power and influence over their sons and grandsons to force them to give a Get? You’re not fooling us. If such prominent families raised a rosha son who won’t listen to them, then they even more so don’t belong in education business until they sort their own families.
A brief preface: I hope this ugly issue gets resolved.
But assuming Gital was telling the truth, I have no sympathy whatsoever for this family, whatever their yichus. In fact, their yichus is more the reason they should be ashamed of what they did — conning her into marrying this loser. My antennae went up when she wrote that, after the first date, his family begged her to reconsider. They propped him up every inch of the way.
While I understand a family’s desperation & concern for their reputation (especially when there are still unmarried siblings), there is no excuse to do this to a young & innocent person. I have seen this over & over again — families trying to hide a psychiatric issue or brush it off as an idiosyncracy. Some people shouldn’t get marrried, period. Of find someone who knows exactly what he/she is getting into. Usually it’s someone who him/herself is nebby or stunted. He/she will be too ditsy to care about abuse or too dependent to leave the partner. No one with a modicum of mental health will stay in the marriage.
Very unconvincing article. Bottom line, this guy is not giving his wife a get and seems to be trying to shake her down. I have no sympathy for him, and his extended family doesn’t seem to be helpful at all.
What very few seem to realize is that in this case it is the MOTHER of the GIRL who is holding up the works. I believe Gital is a victim, as is Avraham Meir.
And yes, she is the powerful one in this situation.
And yes, he tried giving a get years ago but she (and by she it is safe to assume we are talking about Saki here and not Gital) refused to accept it until HER side’s conditions are met.
Of course he must give the get, no one feels otherwise, but enough falsely vilifying him, ignoring halachah and disregarding some of her immediate family’s members powerful and aggressive nature
Where is the pressure after the husband gives the get, and the wife finds excuse after excuse to stop the husband from seeing the children, all the while poisoning the child’s mind against the father?
Not to give a get is not a solution and also I am wondering how respectful families do not get involved. I would have also expected a statement. It is obvious that at this stage there are probably two coins to the story. however, not to give a get is not the right punishement. give a get and carry out legal procedure in the court divorce. there custody and money things might belong too.
unfortunately all too often get related issues are about money at the end
…There are thousands of facts pertaining to each case, and it would be foolish for readers to assume that we know them all. 2) In a perfect world, all husbands will always give a get when called for, and all wives always respect their husbands. However, in reality we know this is not (always) true and things are infinitely more complicated. Therefore, neither husbands who refuse a get, nor wives who demand one are automatically presumed to be right or wrong. It depends. Thus, outsiders should be careful before they take sides. 3) Without diminishing the plight of agonos, I’m not sure that the right to remarry overrides all over considerations.
He has to give the Get. His family is in a position to tell him to give it and they failed to, at least publicly. You haven’t cited any halachic violations, just a lack of a mesorah. Surely halacha allows for much more drastic and even barbaric measures. Would you prefer the halachic methods of physical force be used? Beat him until wants to give the get?