New York – Many know me as Goldy Krantz, the funny satirical writer of dates gone bad/awry. That’s true. But I was still Goldy Krantz, the 33-year-old woman who had been in the shidduch parashah for more than a decade. I went out with countless young and older men who I hoped would become “Mr. Krantz.” But that was never the case.
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So I turned my true dating experiences into a book, which I hoped would get everyone in the shidduch parashah to laugh instead of moping about the situation they were in. Thankfully, many did laugh after purchasing my book, Best of My Worst (which is no longer for sale). Many e-mailed me and came out to speaking engagements where I was the guest speaker. I can fill another five books with everyone’s experiences!
Baruch Hashem, I became a kallah and have wed, but just because I am newly married doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten what I and thousands of others went through, or are currently going through. I still have very close friends and cousins in the shidduch parashah. One of the important tafkids I have now is trying to match them up with appropriate shidduchim—not just pairing up a male and a female, because I remember how that feels.
What I offer now is not a good laugh or another dating “horror” story, but some advice. Take it or don’t take it, the choice is yours. But I would be remiss if I don’t pass it on because, as family and people in shul have pointed out to me, “You gave me strength before and you give me hope now.” I don’t think what I have to say is brilliant—to me, it was common sechel (sense)—but I have a yearning and maybe even an obligation to the rest of the Yidden in the shidduch parashah to share with you what happened to me in order for me to stand under the chupah with my chassan, Yeshaya Yehuda.
Very simply put: I threw away my list of prerequisites. I was looking for a working professional, someone with a wonderful sense of humor and an outgoing personality, someone a bit older than I was, someone who had a chavrusa a few times a night . . . I dated fellows who were missing one or two of the prerequisites, but I basically stuck to my list. If I had never compromised, I would still be dating.
I met my husband through work, and we became very casual friends. Yes, it is true—we did attend the same Shabbaton together, but it took my husband a year and a half to ask me out after that Shabbaton. The first date wasn’t a great one and I decided that we should “stay friends.” After that date, my sister became sick and recovered, but I was out of the shidduch parashah for almost a year while helping my family. When I began dating again, there my friend Yeshaya Yehuda was. We started dating very slowly; a dinner here, a movie there . . . And before I knew it, I felt very comfortable with him, and my list went out the window.
My husband works hard at his job, but is not the doctor or lawyer type that I’d always dated. He is a bit on the quiet side, not as outgoing as my list demanded. He smokes. I never wanted a smoker! But I don’t really mind it now. He doesn’t have a regular chavrusa, but learns when he is able to. To top it off, while my husband no longer wears the chassidish l’vush, he is from a chassidish family, with many siblings, and his brothers and father wear bekishes and shtreimels. Goldy Krantz is part of a chassidish family! My friends and family couldn’t get over how well the shtreimels, black hats, and kippah serugas blended at my chassunah.
Had I not known my husband from work, I never ever would have dated him. A smoker without a regular chavrusa, who is two years younger than me, from a chassidish family! Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I am two years older than my husband. But I got to know my husband, and I genuinely like the person he is. He cares for me and puts me first and I can tell from all of his actions that he is a good person. Isn’t that what counts in the long run—that the person that you marry is a good person and will put family first?
Forget about what color the Shabbos tablecloth is, or which seminary the girl graduated from (c’mon, she is 26 and went to seminary seven years ago!) Forget the fact that the girl is a bit older—does that really matter when the baby cries at 2:00 a.m.? “Honey you are older, go get the baby.” Let these sh’tusim (nonsensical things) go! Concentrate on one question: “How badly do I want to get married?” You may just open your eyes and mind to many possibilities that you passed by in the past.
Do I guarantee my advice? Will I give money back if it doesn’t work? No! But as the old adage goes, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” If you date the younger smoker from the chassidish family and don’t end up marrying him or her, then at least you can say that you tried it.
I gave my husband a chance and look where it got me—it got me married. Throw out your lists! You are not dating lists! You are dating people with feelings, experiences, opinions, and so on. If you want to marry a specific type, fine, but no one is going to fit your cookie-cutter mold. I just hope time doesn’t pass by until you learn this lesson the hard way—like I almost did. v
Goldy Krantz Gruber is a licensed MSW. She is the author of The Best of My Worst and has had several articles published on the topic of shidduch dating.
The Article was first published by The Five Towns Jewish Times, republished with permission.
Omein!
I wish 100’s of people I know “in the parsha” would read & listen to this.
#1 you want to marry a mentch with good middos – all the rest is just fluff.
Goldy, this is the best article on shidduchim I have read in years. It should be required reading in all yeshivos and seminaries as well as in the modern orthodox world. for a people that prides itself on substance, the lists and criteria people use are harmfula nd even achillul hashem.
Many more shidduchim willl be made if Goldy’s advice is taken to heart. Hatzlacha!
Kol HaKabod.
Hazal tell us “Kashe zivugo shel Adam keKiryat Yam Suf. How is a joining of a couple like the separation of Yam Suf? When we tear up our “Shiduch List.” When we separate ourselves from our preconceptions and prejudices, only then can we find our correct Zivug. (Source R’ YB). It works!
He smokes. I never wanted a smoker! But I don’t really mind it now.
I’m glad you are married, however, there is defintely something wrong with Yidden smoking in our current Parsha after we all know it causes lung cancer.
He really needs to quit for your and your children’s sake.
Every pot has its cover – יעדער טעפל האט זיין דעקל
Smoking is a deal breaker for anyone in my dominion. You smoke, move over and make room for the next guy, period!
Love the article except for the smoking part… That’s a deadly habit and I want my kids to have the best odds at having their Tatte be alive at their chasunah and to see the future grandkids. With the exception of the smoking issue, I used many of the same ideas when I dated my husband several years ago…
I have been saying this for years to my friends who have adopted insane standards spoon fed to them by their rabbis and families. They still can’t get married as no one’s resume meets their list of superficial and unrealistic prerequisites. Shidduch crisis exists because of stupid standards and demands both from guys and girls. Glad this woman grew up eventually and realized what’s important in finding a match.
I think that the younger the people are in the shiduchim parsha,parents or the girl/guy will look for Mr or Mrs. perfect.
Age does matter in this case…
A beautiful and real message – let’ s stop this shidduch maddnes and let the boys meet the girls and just be themselved not what tehir parents want,
The problem is that the typical frum boy and girl will not be able to meet in a casual or work environment since during a boy’s Yeshiva life which can last to the mid to late 20s there is basically segregation of the sexes. Until then, there will be this unfortunately humbling, somewhat demeaning, mentally draining, blind date/resume/hit or miss scheme.
The whole crisis is because girls start dating at 19 & boys start dating at 23.As long as people support this system there will be 10% of bais Yakov girls staying single. Would someone support a Yeshiva that u know 10% will be drug dealers or 10% will be separate from a wife and make her into an Aguna? Why r we supporting a system that we know that 10% of BY students will never get married. To those that the RY say that they r not mature till 23 let them open a kindergarten. If chasidim without English or high school can get married
18-19, yeshiva boys surly can. This system must change. Start redding shidduchim to the 21 yr. old boys who care about the crisis, and let the 23 yr. old boys feel the pain they wanted to cause to their first cousin student of Bais Yakov.
Is she really saying that her brilliant discovery after 10+ years of dating was to drop prerequisites? This is probably the #1 cliche singles hear from the day they start dating. It’s a classic article of “disguised advice” where the author is self conscious about her own choices in life and uses the written word to garner support/ justify for her own actions. Everything in this article was “I, me, I, me, I, me.” Please stop parading your own marriage like it’s the ideal situation for everyone else in the world. According to her very own recount, she never dropped her prerequisites — she only fell into this situation by not dating him in the conventional way. Otherwise, she would’ve dropped him for not fulfilling things on her list. She liked this person before dropping her prerequisites — she did not practice what she is preaching to others. Offering advice is fine, just do it in a more modest and honest fashion.
Chasidish girls that want to marry their chasiduth will all get married since the yearly statistic is 5% more boys than girls r born yearly. When chasdish boys & girls both start shiduchim at 18 & both insist on their same chasiduth 5% boys would stay single. Their only choice is to become modern. Litvish Yeshiva boys start
23 ,& BY girls start at 19 they have the age gap problem and 10% of the girls r staying single. Their only choice is to adjust to chasidish. Mazel Tov to Lieby & Goldy who both made these adjustments. May many others be realistic & learn from them.
Good Morning
This is how the rest of the world does it.
What a lovely article, and we are all happy you were able to get married. I am sure your husband loves to read how he is not really what you wanted, and that you settled for second best (if that). Your article SCREAMS of your own personal gaayvah, and I really think you would be better off keeping these thoughts to yourself. Your husband is probably too polite and nice to say so, but believe me, some things are best left unsaid, and certainly best left UNPUBLISHED! Think before you write, Goldy.
I enjoy seeing the groisse chachomim blaming the shidduch crisis on shadchanim or people sitting and learning. The crisis would go away if people were able to meet at chasunas, in clubs and so forth.
If that were the case, why is the crisis so much worse in the modern orthodox circles and by the west side circles?
The facts prove you wrong. But most of you never let facts get in the way of your arguments, nor do you let plain seichel get in the way either.
I’m glad she’s happy, but I wouldn’t recommend marrying a smoker. It’s a terrible and debilitating habit that takes years off ones health and life.
Mazel Tov Mrs Gruber!
Wishing you and your husband a long happy life together!
Great article!
There are so many older girls and guys out there. Yes, I said guys- you’re marrying a guy, and he’s not the only single guy over 25 out there. The girls I’ve come across and have tried to help out with shidduch suggestions all moan and weep about how unfair it is that there’s such a terrible shidduch crisis affecting girls only. Not true. There are plenty of guys out there. Guys who those same girls refuse to go out with. Hope they all find their way to read your article. Maybe then it”ll be worth my time to try getting them a date.
Smoking is a deal-breaker/non-starter and it is terrible that you chose to advise other women that this is just another item on a list.
For the chochom who compared smoking to eating cake, smoking is addictive and also harms others in the surrounding area, in addition to the foolish smoker. Eating cake is none of those.
I wish both of you the best of health but I’m surprised that at age 33 you don’t already know better than to compromise on smoking and, at least, didn’t advise people to not make the same mistake you did about smoking.
Reply to # 30
With 5%population increase 1000 born this year 1050 next year ,1100,1150,1200.The calculation is 1000 23 yr. old boys have 1200 19 year old girls to choose from. but since 5% more boys r born yearly so the actual is 1000 boys can pick from 1150 girls and since some boys start at 21-22 the end result is 1000 boys choose from 1100 girls. Every 23 year old boy has 101 choices ,one he will marry and 100 stay single. This is the reason boys & their mothers behave like Acashvayriosh looking for the richest smartest prettiest and skinniest. All girls have to settle and not get their fair market value.”The age gap is the only problem.” .WAKE UP (in reference to our ancestors that married younger 2000 years ago they took 2 wives. Our ancestors 100 years ago in the areas that married younger also had the same crisis. .A girl without money could not get married 100 years ago.). The age gap must be stopped by keeping the boys in the US after they finish Yeshiva here. Going to Erets Yisroel from 21 to 23 became the tzora why 10% r staying single. Stop supporting the system and look down at those boys that only want to start shiduchim at 23.WAKE UP
If you think about it, you will realize that the shidduch method of picking the best and the brightest and wealthiest for your child is setting up a very selfish system. So that even when they get married, they are less inclined to be loving and caring to each other. The devotion to a partner is not supported by such a selfish system.
I am not sure if people are paying attention but there is also a divorce crisis. If you encourage young men to marry before they are ready it will just increase that. Maybe having the girls wait to date and save some money or earn a degree so they can support said learning boy would be a much better way to close the age gap
This article is sweet and has a nice message, (not original either, mind you), but if you look around at the older singles, it’s not necessarily the “list girls” hanging around. Those crazy mothers with the ridiculous expectations do not seem to have more unmarried daughters. When I look at all the single girls I know I see equal numbers of skinny girls and heavier girls, outgoing and introverted girls, chasidishe, litvishe, yeshivishe and modern orthodox girls and yes, super picky and extremely flexible and open-minded girls. There’s no one group of girls that sticks out as having the biggest pool of available singles (although in reading the above comments it does seem that the chasidishe may be on to something, at least with their girls). I know this author wants to believe that she found her bashert because she dropped her list but in reality, she found her bashert because Hashem put him in her way in the right time and place.” I’m not saying we shouldn’t collectively readjust some of our expectations on the shidduch scene but I don’t buy this “I got married b/c I, I, I was so amazing and open-minded” bit…
Thanks for sharing your insight regarding one of the most inportant topics of our times.
Mazel Tov Mrs Gruber! Your hub is an awesome guy with gr8 middos! Excellent choice, Shaya Leib is a real mench.. Your Chasana in Ateres Avrom was beautiful & Lebedig. Oif Simchas
If 1000 esroigim are delivered to a town of 1000 people every esrog will have a balhbos and evry balhabos will have an esrog. If 1100 esroigim are delivered to a town with 1000 balai batim everyone will have what to pick from (with a magnifier) and at the end 100 esroigim will not have a bal habayis. The mothers and the 23 year old boys have 101 esroigim to pick from.This is nebach the case. As long as we support the system of sending boys to EY from 21 to 23,10% of Bais Yakov girls don’t have whom to marry. Its about time that Ehrliche yiden should say I don’t want to be guilty of causing 1 out of 10 Bais Yakov girls to stay single. If I think my son is mature enough to be 6000 miles away from home to be on his own, he is surely mature to start shiduchim.(And if he is not mature yet, then there r very very big risks that he can pick up there.) How many more girls have to cry in their pillows until an Ehriche Rosh Yeshiva will say I dont want my talmidim to delay starting shiduchim until 23 even if he will loose the tuition money he could make on them. A rosh Yeshivah that cant mature his students until 21 should open a kindergarten. STOP THE MAN MADE TRAGEDY
you might be the maven on dating but not a maven on staying married. I think a good suggestion would be not to plaster you pictures all over the Internet.
ain habracha shoire ela bedavar hasomuy min haayin.
Good Morning
This is how the rest of the world does it.
To the commentor who says that Goldie’s article should be shared in the “yeshivos, seminaries, and modern orthodox world” – well, MOST Modern Orthodox teenagers attend yeshiva and seminary (true, not all, but then neither does every teen from a yeshivish or chassidishe family)
To all the other commentors who say that smoking is just as bad for you as eating fatty foods, sugary foods, and soda – well, why do any of it?Just because unhealthy foods are bad doesn’t make smoking ANY better. Yes, unhealthy food is pervasive and hard to persist, as someone in OA I would know, but a healthy lifestyle is attainable for just about everyone – even incrementally.
Reply to 7
You are entitled to your opinion.
And I am entitled to mine.
So don’t even think about calling for my daughters!
We started dating very slowly; a dinner here, a movie there . . .
my husband is from a chassidish family!
I love it
To all the men
Steipler writes: look for 2 things
a) she should be iras shomaim
b) she should want you to learn
Hatzlocha to all who need a shiduch!
ing or a girl on the heavierarticle well written mazal tov to you mrs gruber
from my understanding of the article goldie was trying to point out we all have a wishlist what we would want in our spouse but she points out that if we are realistic we would realize “altz by einim iz nisht du by keynim ” no one has it all that being said that we need to settle each one of us has issues and tendencies we are able to over look and live with but then their are some that we wont or cant and stands as a red line we wont cross the issue wasnt yes to a smoker or no to a smoker in her particular case it was smoking she chose to look away from but in each of us its something so when 1/2 the comments here are about smokers yes or no i think they’re missing the point goldie is trying to bring out that we must be more flexible and realistic in our expectations of what really is or isnt important to us and if the choice boils down to remaining single until … or marrying and yes settling for somone smoking or a girl on the heaiver side etc shes trying to make all those still in her position not to wait until 30ish before coming around of course g-d is in charge but we must do all we can
Chasidim want money just as much as Yeshivish.. If the chasidishe boy is a Talmid Chochem he wants it for learning and if he is a truck driver he wants money to buy a new truck. But by chasidim there is 1000 (1050 according to us censes) boys that have only 1000 girls to choose from. If his demands r too big he will stay single. So the chasidim don’t have the chutspeh to demand money. By Yeshivish 1000 boys have 1100 girls to choose from (because of the age-gap) so he has much more to choose from.. That`s why they all want money (just like the truck driver) and by the basic economics of supply and demand he will get money (and a better deal then her.) STOP THE CRIS BY NOT SENDING 21 YEAR BOYS TO ERETS YISROEL.
FACT 3000 Bais Yakov girls over 25 are still single
only 300 Yeshivish boys over 25 that are still single.
These 300 boys are demanding more than Acashvayrosh because he had the money but was (collecting resumes)looking for the pretiest and the skinniest. While these 300 boys want money and the above. They r asking for more than they r giving and probably will get it as mentioned several times before, BOYS MUST START YOUNGER
this age gap nonsense is the way the rabonim who caused the problem make themselves feel good that they came up with charts and calculations
this crisis is self caused
when I went out the question was “what does the boy do ” (last I checked the kesuba says that the man has to support the wife)
today they ask” what does the girl do”
its a sick system this didn’t exist en masse in Europe and shouldn’t exist here either
boys that are getting married have zero responsibility have no clue as to how they will support a wife and children
but this genius says they should go out and get married at age 20-21
as if the divorce rate is not high enough