New York – OpEd: Our OTD Children Need Our Love And Understanding, Not Our Retribution

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    New York –  The Nesivos Shalom teaches that in Mitzrayim, Hashem purposefully waited through our generations of slavery for us to finally arrive at our lowest possible spiritual and physical condition before referring to us as, “My firstborn son.”  Why?  He waited in order to prove to us for all time that He does not love us based on our behavior or our status; rather so we would know that we are inherently His beloved children. Therefore, His love for us is unconditional and indestructible, regardless of our debasement or situation. 

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    Your son, whom you so proudly carried to his bris, is always your son.

    Your daughter, light of your life from the moment you first held her, is always your daughter.

    A parent’s love for his or her child must be unqualified, as God’s is for His people.  And yet… too often we are so brutally quick to judge our own children; and too often through the eyes of others, not even our own!

    Imagine for a moment, cherubim.  Imagine them with child-like countenances.  Where might you find such airy, holy creatures?  In the holiest city in the world!  In Jerusalem herself.  And not just in the holiest city but in the holiest place in the holiest of cities, upon the Temple Mount, the kodesh kodashim, the Holy of Holies.  The very ground there vibrates with the awesomeness of its holiness.  For it is at this spot that God, the Master of the Universe, speaks to Moshe from above the Aron.  His voice emanates from between the two cherubim, from between the countenances of babes.   Not from between the countenance of two elders, or sages or tzadikim.  But two babes.  Why?  To teach us that to hear and receive God’s awesome messages we must maintain a pure, child-like innocence and enthusiasm, one free of preconceived notions and prejudices.  We must embrace a child’s delight in learning and experience.

    But do we?  Sadly, no.  The years make us jaded.  “What is it that I can learn?  I have experienced life!”  We know the “slings and arrows” of our years, and they have wounded us, made us cautious, skeptical and hurtful.  But such an attitude is anathema to all that is spiritual and pure.  Doesn’t Hosea teach us that God loves klal Yisrael simply because we are loveable like a young child?  “For Israel is a young lad and I love him.” [Hosea 11:1]

    How hard it is for us – as the years turn our supple minds and bodies brittle – to maintain that innocence and delight!  The challenge is even greater for those who are parents, for they experience the most searing of challenges and hurts from the very ones dearest to them – their children.  Flesh of our flesh, blood of our blood!  How they can turn us inside out!  Our very own children who “have turned their backs on us and all that is sacred and precious to us.”

    We see it too often.  We hear of it constantly.  We shed such tears as we witness it or experience it!  We cry and suffer with our friends.  Relationships between husband and wife suffer.  Families ache.  Why?  Because children “fall away.”  They become lost children.  Such good children!  From such good frum, heimishe, yeshivishe, chasidishe, chardei homes.  How did they become “at risk”?  How did they become OTD (off the derech)?  How did these children, raised in such loving, observant homes, come to turn their backs on a Torah-centered life?

    We will return to the how, but for now we must examine how we react when our children become angry, rebellious, and critical.  How do we respond when our children “throw off” the garb of our community and wear torn jeans, or clothing that is not anything but true to tzniut?  Or they pierce their ears or noses!  We yell.  We demand.  We punish.  We even banish, removing the “culprit” from our homes – from their homes – and, in the process, create a cycle of ever greater rejection, greater distance, greater anger.

    So many good, decent, observant parents emotionally torn to shreds as their dear children become strangers before their very eyes!  They banish these “strangers” for a thousand understandable reasons – because their own hearts ache, to protect their other children, because they worry what others might think…  And why wouldn’t they?  How can observant parents come to terms with a child of their own rejecting Torah, Shabbos, kashrut and all that is good and sacred.

    They ask themselves, they ask God, “Didn’t we give our child the best of everything spiritually, financially, socially? How can you do this to us?”  Their answer is deep silence.

    What can the answer be when such a situation continues to spiral from bad to worse?  The child rebels.  The parent punishes, driving the child to greater rebellion which leads to greater punishment which inevitably leads to…

    Is there another, better way?

    Yes.

    The Talmud in Yoma [54a] quotes Rav Katina depicting the scene when the Jews came to Jerusalem for the three regalim, “… the Kohanim would pull back the curtain in the Temple and show them the Cherubim hugging and embracing one another [one had masculine features, the other, feminine].  The priests would then say, ‘See how beloved you are before the Almighty, like the love of the male and female.’”

    But when Churban and destruction of the Temple came, Reish Lakish continues in the Talmud Yoma [54b] and the enemies invaded and entered the Holy of Holies, behold, they saw the cherubim embracing like man and wife, and they brought out the cherubim out to the street and mocked the Jews, debasing them and ridiculing them for their perceived impropriety.

    The question arises, How could it be that the cherubim remain so obviously loving in the midst of such unspeakable destruction and tragedy?  Were we not taught that “when Yisroel did the will of God, the cherubim faced one another, but when they didn’t the cherubim faced the wall.”

    Talmud Yoma [54b] speaks of Churban and yet the cherubim faced one another.  How could this be?  The answer is that God loves His children even in the midst of Churban, even in the midst of unbearable destruction.   The Nesivos Shalom explains that the very thing our oppressors perceived as unseemly is actually the ultimate demonstration of God’s love for the Jewish people.  God wanted to show that He loves, cherishes and cares for His children, the Jewish people, forever.  This is true even when they are at their lowest.  And it is this knowledge, that God will never forsake us, that gives us the strength to endure all the trials and tribulations of what felt to be an endless exile.

    God has unconditional love for His kinderlach.

    So too, the Zohar relates that when the Jewish people were exiled from their land, God said to the entire Heavenly host, “What are you doing here? My children are going into exile and you are remaining in the Heavens?  All of you, get up and descend to Bavel, and I will descend with you.”  Chazal declare, Wherever Yisroel is exiled, the Shechina goes with them.  God does not abandon His children to go into exile unaccompanied.  God goes with us.

    In our pain and darkness, God is with us.  He needs to be with us until that day when He will accompany us to our return.  But, until that day when we are fully ready to be redeemed, He remains with us, painful as that may be for Him to endure.  And of course it is painful.  We are, after all, His children.  No matter how lost we are, He will not turn away from us.

    The Navi says: Shuvu banim shovavim –“Return you wayward children.”   He does not say, “Return you wayward ones.  But wayward children.  God is saying to us, “You are always MY children.  No matter how wayward, no matter how low you sink.  You are mine.”

    It is here that we fully understand the meaning of the loving embrace of the cherubim that so befuddled our enemies.  Even they know that no matter what, God loves us, His people, forever.

    The Talmud cites the verse that speaks of God as the One, “Who dwells among them even in their impurity.”  Rav Tzadok of Lublin explains that we are still called “the portion of Hashem” even if we are mired in shmutz and defilement.  Every Jew is, by nature, always and forever connected to Hashem.  This is the Divine Presence that never leaves his innermost self.

    Is there another, better way for the parent who feels betrayed, hurt and frustrated by the behavior of his or her OTD child?  Yes!  And that way is the one that God has shown us.  It is love and acceptance.  Even as a child descends to the most shameful muck, you must love him, just as God loves us, no matter how far we fall.

    God shows absolute and unconditional love and acceptance, even in the midst of our greatest defilement, a defilement that led to Churban and destruction.  Didn’t God descend to the lowest level of muck, the 49th level, to salvage us from Mitzrayim?  Where would we be now if God had simply abandoned us because He didn’t want to be seen in such muck?

    If God can do it, shouldn’t we?  Has any OTD child done worse than our forefathers?  Has their shumtz surpassed the impurity of past generations?  If God accompanied His children in the depths of their despair during the generations of galus shouldn’t we walk that extra mile for the sake of our children?

    But how?  How to take that first step?

    The first step is so simple… and so hard.  It requires us to ask, Why?  Why has our child fallen?  The reason the question is so hard is that we have to be fully prepared to hear the answer.  And there is an answer to the question.  Do not think for a moment that one day a child wakes up and thinks, “Shabbos is no longer beautiful!”  Your wonderful child does not simple conclude, “Hey, treif is better than kosher!”

    Something happened to push him or her off the derech.

    And do not be satisfied with mumbled generalities or shrugs of the shoulder.  There is a reason… find it!  It requires a trauma to transform a good, caring child filled with yiddishkeit into a stranger wandering the streets.

    This transformation was not a choice!  It was thrust upon the child.  When your child rebels in this way, it is because their neshama is in pain.  What might the trauma be?  Too often, it is a betrayal or abuse on the part of a trusted and respected adult.

    Impossible, you think?  If you believe it is so impossible, that such abuse could never happen “in my community” seek out the wisdom of Rabbi Moshe Bak (Innocent Heart at 888 506 7162) or Mrs. Ruchama Clapman (Mask at Clapman 718 758 0400 ) or reach out to Avi Fishoff ([email protected]) and learn not only that such abuse is possible but, in many cases, probable.  And learn from them that there is a way to get your child back.

    Your child has not turned away from you and Torah “just because.”  There is a reason for his or her pain.  Find out what it is so that healing can begin.  Do not push your child away.  That serves only to deepen his or her pain.

    Our OTD children need our love and understanding, not our retribution.

    Think!  If your child suffered, God forbid, from cancer, would you allow your own shame or frustration to keep you from doing everything in your power to help your child?  Of course not.  Do not allow shame or frustration to keep you from helping your OTD child!

    The road back is paved with love, understanding, hugs and honest communication.  The Krule Rebbe explains, “If someone slips on an icy road and breaks a leg, he needs months of physical therapy until he can walk again… Why is this boy different?  He has been broken, shattered.  It will take months and months, often even longer, until he can walk on his own two feet again.”

    We cannot go on sad but accepting as we lose our smartest, sweetest children, children from beautiful homes filled with warmth and yiddishkeit.  It is too easy to simply “blame” the OTD child.  Not only is it too easy, it is wrong!

    We need to have the courage to ask why and confront the ugly truth of the answer.  No doubt it is shocking, painful, frightening.  It is a shreck.  But until we do this, until we diagnose the problem, there can be no healing.  Our experts tell us in no uncertain terms that fully 80% of all OTD children have experienced some form of abuse. If there should be a focus of our hurt, anger and retribution, it is the reality of this statistic.  The shonda is that such a thing happens in our community, not that the children affected by it react with their own anger, pain and shame.  And rebellion.

    Let us reject our own shame and face this terrible reality, for our sakes and the sakes of our children.  Only then, can we accompany our dear children back to where they belong, with us in our homes, living a Torah life.

    Have no doubt, when you determine that you will face the truth with your child, they will know it. 

    As Chani Juravel wrote in Binah magazine, describing such a parent who finally “saw the world through her child’s eyes” …sometime later, she found herself straightening and gently knocking on the door while mouthing Tuly’s name. And then, for the first time in what felt many years, she sat on her son’s bed and reached for his hand.  Still sleepy and dazed, he let her take it.  Malky licked her lips and began speaking softly.

    ‘Tuly, I want to ask your forgiveness.’ 

    Her son looked confounded.

    ‘I realize that for the past few years, I’ve focused most on how much I’ve been hurting. I’ve been so angry at you. Tuly, I was focused on how your behavior destroyed our image, how much pain we have suffered.  So I’m sorry, Tuly.  I’m sorry that with all that being my focus, I wasn’t focused on what I should have been thinking and feeling most.  I should have been thinking about the pain your neshamah is in, at how hard this must be for you. I shouldn’t have made it all about me.’

    That afternoon was a turning point for Malky. And it was a turning point for Tuly, too.  It was the first day in three years that he put on tefillin.’

    As God’s presence comforted the Children of Israel throughout the darkness of our exile, so too will your presence comfort your child.

    What to do if your child “rebels”?  What to do if your child becomes an OTD child?  Love him.  Comfort her.  And if that does not seem to work?  Love him more.  Comfort her more.  Find out what happened.

    Rabbi Dr. Eliyahu Safran  is an educator, author and lecturer. . His most recent book is “Mediations at Sixty: One Person, Under God, Indivisible,”. His “Sometime You Are What You Wear” has been hailed as one of the finest contemporary presentations on modesty.

    He can be reached at [email protected]


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    93 Comments
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    garyweiss
    garyweiss
    10 years ago

    Easier said than done. My oldest OTD is a drug user and is trying to influance his younger siblings. Love him? Keep him in the house? When he brings home McDonalds and puts the bag and food wrapping in my kosher sink, I don’t feel any love- just hate and rage.
    I don’t want him back.(sadly)

    10 years ago

    Hashem’s unconditional love of the Jewish People did not stop him from destroying 2 batei mikdash, exiling our people and putting them through 2 thousand years of suffering.

    Lakewoodwife
    Lakewoodwife
    10 years ago

    Beautiful and very necessary article!

    We put so much into our children and want them to retain the kedushah we’ve imbued them with so badly, that the rejection of said kedushah causes us to act out of pain and anger.

    We have to put our kids happiness before their frumkeit and then they’ll have both…

    If we put their frumkeit before happiness, chances are they’ll r”l have neither..

    tsniusdic
    tsniusdic
    10 years ago

    From what I understand, parents send their OTD children away only in a situation where they exhibit, for example, self destructive behavior that the parents feel they are enabling by giving them a place to stay. In that case, would the author consider it ‘not loving’ of the parents to take that step?
    It seems from the article that loving means let them stay home, and not-loving means send them out. Is this what the author meant?

    cholent
    cholent
    10 years ago

    Excellent piece.
    2 points.
    First, there are many “on the derech” kids that are not shown any love or warmth. They are just cruising without meaning or anyone blinking an eye at them. They are hurting inside as well. As one involved in chinuch it shocks me when I see an adult mock a yeshiva bochur because they are not working or in college. Yet, that very same guy is an askan and involved in kiruv! (BTW, if you are in kiruv – smile at FFB’s as well once in a while) It is not our job to decide the future of others and what is good for them or not. We need to be encouraging.
    Second, there are many adults that are also disillusioned and turned off but can’t do anything about it. Next time you go to shul, say hello to the fellow that you have seen for 10 years without saying a word to him and you will see that you can make a yid’s week.

    10 years ago

    Parents need to think long and hard at their feelings. Why this need to have their children look, act, frum ? Why they hate when they aren’t looking the part? What different does it make to them if their kid is or isn’t frum ? It doesn’t stop them from growing spiritually themselves.

    Oh BTW, Avraham Avinu loved Yishmael, and Naami loved Ruth and Orpah, even though they were shiksas who their children married. Perhaps that is why Yishmael did teshuva, and Ruth became one of the greatest women of Jewish history.

    Facts1
    Facts1
    10 years ago

    All this baloney psychology is driving away more and more. We have a problem, but it’s like trying to treat addiction to alcohol with an addiction to drugs.

    Manes Friedman has it right, all this is feeding the OTD movement by telling them something is wrong with you and therefor you are entitled to be OTD and cant even be normal. Never have we seen all this psychology in previous seforim. In matter of fact someone should read the “Reishit Chachma” on chinuch and they will see just the opposite and more then what all these “new” mechanchim are preaching.

    Now to the facts, Hashem took mount Sinai and placed on top of the Jews and said “you accept my torah or else” and when we needed to be punished oh how he punished us and we needed to throw us out of his house he did so as well.

    Most (serious) leaders of our and the previous generation were very much against all these therepists and counclers.

    Rabbi_CS
    Rabbi_CS
    10 years ago

    Whiskey, you took the words out of my mouth.

    “Kach Es Bincha Es Yechidcha Asher Ahavta Es Yitzchok”

    Even AFTER Hashem told Avrohom to take the “son that you loved” he had to specify Yitzchok… Because Avraham loved them both….

    Mr. GaryWeiss, I don’t know you, nor your situation.

    I can’t imagine the pain you go through on a regular basis.

    But, if Avrohom could love Yishmael, who commited Avoda Zoroh, Giluy Aroyos, AND shefichas Domim….

    Please don’t hold your child to a higher standard than Yishmael, in order for him to get your love.

    Anyone
    Anyone
    10 years ago

    To Our Rabbonim, Roshei Yeshivos and Rebbes
    First and foremost thanks for a beautiful article, No I B’H dont have an OTD kid, yet I deal and help these kids on a daily basis.

    Lets call a spade a spade, I will tell you the truth and nothing but the truth if you can bear to hear it, here goes;

    There is a “Pandemic” within Klal Yisroel, we are losing kids on a daily basis, thousands of them from Frum Orthodox homes, litvish homes and Chasidish homes, yet very few Rabonim, Roshei yeshivos or Rebbes have taken the initiative to find out why? what are we doing wrong? what are these kids missing?

    Lets take a kid that is not doing so well in Yeshiva/School they try to see the Beauty in Yiddishkeit, maybe they are from a poor home, maybe not, all they see is “Hypocrisy” Brothers fighting over Kavod and real estate (NO it has nothing to do with serving God) Massive Geneiva and Gezeila (better not to go into details)

    The kids all of a sudden dont see Shabbos as “Beautiful” they Never saw Yiddishkeit as “Beautiful” because we didnt show it to them as such, No body runs away from beauty and enjoyment, They find yiddishkeit as ugly, selfish and disgusting.
    To be continued

    elireb
    elireb
    10 years ago

    It’s about time someone articulated these feelings and sentiments… now spread the word so all who need to hear it, get it. Someone sensitive as Rabbi Safran, can say it best. Kudos for posting these precious thoughts.

    OyGevald
    OyGevald
    10 years ago

    There are Seforim from previous generations Gedolim who disagree with the context of this article. It is BAD to allow young children to see you welcome Sinners in your house. That will imply that you will allow them to follow same path, G-d forbid. Seen it happen over the last 35-years again and again.

    Anyone
    Anyone
    10 years ago

    Continued
    Our leaders think that by pushing these kids out of the community so “No one sees” the problem is solved, NO The problem gets bigger everyday, B’H we saved some kids by standing by their side showing them we care NO MATTER WHAT, and finally they agreed to go Re-Learn Yiddishkeit whether at Aish or at Nevey Seminary.

    Rabosai, the problem is getting worse by the day, we have the Morning after pill selling over the counter, soon Marijuana will be legal, do our Yeshivas/High schools/Seminaries have a five year plan?? or will more kids become victims?

    Avol Asheimim Anachnu, we are all guilty we are helping perpetuate Sinas chinam in our communities, we MUST condemn and Boycott any Rebbe that has a gight and goes to Court whether we like it or not. REVOLT NOW TO SAVE OUR CHILDREN KLAL YISROEL’S FUTURE. J Bernard

    Oldtimer
    Oldtimer
    10 years ago

    Excellent article, very heartfelt. What about those 20% of people who were not abused, but who just refuse for whatever reason to accept Orthodox Jewish theology. Is the author saying our community should be prepared to love and accept them unconditionally as well – even if there is no “excuse” for their behavior? If so, what exactly does this mean for our relations with the non-frum world in general?

    10 years ago

    It is a very horrible situation that so many children are difficult to “manage” by many of their parents. Some may be very unruly. Some may be curious. Some may be growing and some may be truly rebellious which may last indefinitely.

    Ultimately, you can scorn them, chide them, ridicule them or otherwise disassociate from them. But the real test of your will is how you account for yourself by Hashem and your family.

    The child can be fixed. The future can be held at a distance until it materializes. But the relationship can be either broken, worsened or repaired.

    brooklynjew
    brooklynjew
    10 years ago

    Just a side note, for chassidisha parents who struggle with teens who are cold to yiddishkeit…

    Many times a child is thinking to himself that yiddishkeit is a brainwash, the whole community is brainwashed, cuz the only people he sees learning are in his eyes “chassidisha schleppers” who were brainwashed by their parents and comunities…

    Therefore it is worthwhile to take such kids to a siyum hadaf yomi where they show shiurim being attended by doctors,lawers, proffesers, etc..

    If you cant wait for a siyum, there are many cds and video clips, it might save a childs yiddishkeit..

    Rafuel
    Rafuel
    10 years ago

    While I like the article over all, some assertions I can’t help doubting. One statistical item the rav brought in . “Our experts tell us in no uncertain terms that fully 80% of all OTD children have experienced some form of abuse.” To that, I have questions.

    – Who are these “experts?” Can we trust them to conduct surveys, accurately aggregate and properly interpret the raw data, thus turning it into anything like “statistics?”

    – What is their definition of OTD? (For example, my rebbe’s son did not go yeshiva, when in high school already put on a small knitted yarmulkeh, in the rest of his clothes is almost indistinguishable from the goyim his age (now around 20) and now lives on the college campus, at least half-an-hour drive away from any frum community. Is he off the derech? I would say yes. How about these “experts?”)

    – What is “some form of abuse?” Suffice it to say, so vague a definition already invalidates the whole assertion, for it can include almost everything. With kind of definition I could claim that fully 99.99% of those who stayed at least as frum as their parents (in our time, most surpass their parents in frumkhite) have experienced some for of abuse.

    TexasJew
    TexasJew
    10 years ago

    With some parents having so many children it’s hard to be a good parent to everyone. We need to have smaller families (3-6 sounds normal) so each child gets the needed attention that he or she deserves.
    Also, lots of these parents are children themselves. Many getting married when they’re 18-20 yrs old. Immature, never had any responsibilities in their lives, etc…and 1 year later they are parents. It’s easy to conceive but very hard to parent.

    MyComment
    MyComment
    10 years ago

    For #7 & 14. Your approach could not withstand the haskala movement. Klal yisreol was decimated and that was when there were valid reason at least for those who OTDed. (A better life,secular education, etc) applying your principle today, where kids are leaving for a worse & tougher life – your method doesnt stand a chance. Anyone looking for.solutions from golis europe (der alta heim) for golis america better start smelling the coffee.

    10 years ago

    The OTD phenomena is not new. However with internet and the success of Footsteps kids see they have choices. Very often, more choices than their parents. When the Judaism in the home is full of poverty and restrictions, rebellion is natural. At the same time the pressure of conformity is very high. If the yiddishkeit was presented with more ahavah and less yirah I think children would be more inspired to stay within the fold. On the other hand the shandas that children see only hasten their departure. It goes without saying that a victim of abuse would seek comfort outside of the community of abusers who protect the abuser and punish the victim.

    elireb
    elireb
    10 years ago

    Seems like many here are missing R’ Safran’s most important points… read it again & slowly.

    10 years ago

    The child has to be put in a yeshiva that is a good fit for him/her. Simply because the elder siblings went there and were successful is not a reason to keep the child there if they are not flourishing there. Each child is different and intervention must be done very early or else nebech we have a very troubled soul.

    10 years ago

    Happy as you may think you are with your assessments of the youth. Calling anyone an “OTD” child meaning of course “off the derech” is a CRIME. Against REASON. You do not know any childs fate and you do not know Hashems plan. You do more damage by incriminating the sound mind against your own reasoning.

    Factor in that noone knows usually until later in life what their true ‘Derech’ is. And you would be surprised if you knew G-ds will how many people have many learning situations to internalize and set them on their destined path. As we know from Tanakh, there are many created who do not par out. They add controversy and often hardship to life. Apparently Hashem knows you will have trials.

    Trust in Hashem and listen to only Torah.

    from-here_to-there
    from-here_to-there
    10 years ago

    I don’t any facts to support what I am going to say and I didn’t read the full article (only the comments) – but it feels like emes to me.

    parents that hate their children for going OTD are misplacing their hate. what they really hate is (no particular order):
    1) what will others think of me and my parenting skills (which may or may not be the reason for the OTD – there are myriads of factors).
    2) how it will affect the shidduchim of the other children.
    3) what will others will say (assuming that everybody is gossip monger with nothing to do but talk about them).
    4) the crush to their ego – as if HaShem promised them that their path in like will have no thorns to cut them or pebbles to trip over.
    5) rejection. (how do you think the parents of a Ba’al Teshuva feels when their child goes of the derech in which they were raised – don’t kid yourselves, many BT’s have love/hate relationships with their parents).

    point to think about: you can Love the child without liking the child ie. what the child does or does not do (thanks mom A’H – for once sharing that advise with me on a separate issue).

    savtat
    savtat
    10 years ago

    I am very sad to say this. Some very bright young people read the news, watch our “leaders” and come to the conclusion that the leaders are off the derech. Lie cheat and steal – off the derech. And, we ignore it at our peril. They know that can’t be right.

    hernor
    hernor
    10 years ago

    I find it absolutely abhorent that people would bash a poor father in pain who’s OTD kid is trying to influence his younger siblings and instigating his parents (I’m sure that putting theMcDonald bag in the sink is just one instance of dusgusting , disrespectful behavior).
    People in thhis generation are mixed up – caring more about peopl with bad behavior than those getting hurt.
    Wether or not the person commenting in post #1 behaved badly to his son no one can know. But when people jump to this conclusion just because of his normal reaction of frustration, which he calls “hate” to his disrepectful, selfish son and bash him for it, just shows peoples liberal and accepting attitude towards those who do whatever they want, even at the cause of hurting those around them.

    MarkTwain2
    MarkTwain2
    10 years ago

    Does anyone else see a problem giving this an acronym label of OTD?

    rabbiyisroel
    rabbiyisroel
    10 years ago

    How many parents tell their children EVERY day since they were born,”I love you so much. I am so glad that HaShem gave you to us for a child. i am SO proud of you”?
    How may parents express demonstrative love (hugs and kisses) EVERY day since their child was born?
    Children need positive demonstrative love and affirmation every day.
    Having been involved as a rabbinical counselor for decades my first question to parents of a child who is having difficulties with their Yiddishkeit/Yahadut, is “When was the last time that you hugged your child and told them how much you love them and how happy you are that they are your child? “
    Unfortunately the answers is always the same, “It has been years, since they were very small” and “I am supposed to tell them that i love them and am so proud of them when they are OTD?” And my answer to all parents is “Yes, Even now, hugs, kisses and telling your troubled child that you love them”
    Stop focusing on what is wrong with your child and concentrate on what is right” AND do this with great love. AND do not even talk about the problems.
    Most young people will respond positively. Your child needs to know that you feel their pain and love them.

    hernor
    hernor
    10 years ago

    I find it disgusting that every time a child goes OTD the parents are blamed for it. And the reason I so disgusted is becuase I personally went through a lot of abuse ( mentally and emotionaly- not physicaly) at home, and looked down at teachers in school as hypocrites. The reason I stayed frum is because I searched gor the truth not like OTD who want to do whatever they want because they went through ____ ( just fill in the blank). Every person created has their nisyonos and they have to overcome them.
    However, OTD kids are not meant to be written off, as a person can do teshuva till the day they die.
    However, as well we cannot in general say a person became OTD because they were abused. The fact is that a minority of OTD children are abused mentally/ emotiinally and a very small percentage of kids were abused physically. Most of them come from good, caring homes but feel entitlement to their chosen way of life and will blame their decision to lead a decandent life on xyz.
    This is not a new phenomenon. A minority of yidden left Eretz Yisreol because they adopted the Egyptian lifestyle and throughout our history a LOT of people fell away.
    Although each Yiddishe neshama that falls away is very painful especially to the OTD’S family, I feel the picture painted of our communities is in blogs and articles such as these is very distorted. I b”H see that the majority of youths from frum families are as dedicated as their parents.
    I do have some issues the way parenta are too much into gashmius these days to really give over the depth and passion of a Yiddish way of life and never talk about Hashkafah and neither unfortunately do the schools which are into intensive “learning” ( this is also bad for the kids who cannote learn intensively).
    The bottom line though, is that EVERYONE’S nisyones’s are custom made by Hashem and people should stop using excuses for to justify bad behavior.

    BLONDI
    BLONDI
    10 years ago

    sherree bravo, kudos. simply amazing and said with love..kids are very aware when someone loves them. they test and try your patience. you wait with bated breath for them to walk. when they fall as toddlers, most parents, i hope, run to help them up, and kiss their booboo.and repeat it when they walk and fall again. we hold them with both hands, and walk with them.. yes, it’s hard, you’re bent over, your back hurts, etc. but you love them. And the child knows that…Continue picking them up, and loving them.

    10 years ago

    Speaking with other askanim I heard of the 10% principle. Basically 10% of kids will go OTD. If a family has 10 kids one will nebuch go. The objective of the community is to preserve the other 9 and the 90 children they will have. (of which 9 slough off) If we go aftr the one child we risk losing the 90 who will fill their ranks. While this sobering math is difficult to hear, the calculations are just as exact as the shidduch crises math. No one says to not be metapel the OTD, but not at the risk of losing entire communities.
    This makes me want to vomit.

    Moshe_Baltimore
    Moshe_Baltimore
    10 years ago

    Attention parents of a KIP (Kid in Pain): sorry you had to read all the way down here to find constructive help. I’m a parent of a KIP. These beautiful neshomos deserve and need our total ahava without any demands of mitzva observance. Some trauma caused them to act out and rebel. We, the parents have the most power to save them from spiraling further out of control. Yes, it is a great challenge trying to lead a frum lifestyle while allowing these anti-jewish behaviors in our home while these kids in pain find their way. I follow Avi Fishoff’s Twisted Parenting. Call him. His system has worked wonders. The day to day grind is still difficult, though so much better than not following his guidance. ‘Before Avi’, our KIP was yelling, cursing, running away, & considering suicide. ‘After Avi’, the above issues have gone down to about 5%. Our 15 year old still has piercings, though a lot less than expected, is holding off on tattoos, drugs and the opposite gender, is only mildly drinking, and most importantly is safe at home. Considering how far (or dead) our KIP could be right now if not for ‘twisting’, is proof this is a life saving program. Call Avi! Wrap them in Ahava!

    Moshe_Baltimore
    Moshe_Baltimore
    10 years ago

    Parents: let go of your anger !

    Feel their pain !

    They need your love desperately. Don’t let the drugs / sex / alcohol / piercings / tattoos / music / dress blind you. They only use it to block out the pain of their trauma. Your love is more powerful. Use it and you will see healing.

    It will take time. Do it for them. Hashem gave us a difficult test. Run with it!

    Call Avi!

    hernor
    hernor
    10 years ago

    Kids need to learn that just as there is love and acceptance for who they are, there is punishment for not obeying the rules that parents set forth ( this of coures does not mean dictatorship rules, only rules that are required for a healthy child developement and healthy family relationships).
    The essence of Yiddishkeit teaches us that as much as Hashem lives us, there is retributiin for sin. This is chinuch.
    Today however, the goyishe culture has seeped into our mentality – gay rights, bisexual rights, etc. Everybody has a ” right” to live like they want and we have to accept them. People disfigure themselves, behave like animals… Doesn’t matter, it’s their “right” to do so. Not even that but we are supoosed to accept that these lifestyle are legimate just like “regular” lifestyles. Who cares that the kids lose out, having no referance to normql behavior and thinking patterns and when then grow up will expect their right, perhaps that will be living with animals, to be accepted.
    Our community is going slowly unconsioulsy

    hernor
    hernor
    10 years ago

    Continuation…
    Our community is slowly, slipping into a liberal “accepting mode”. I see comments in differnent articles accepting gay rights etc. And for our own, OTDs who “REBEL” against the words of Hashem, people are like, ” he wasn’t given enough love” etc. Soon we will say they have a certain gene ( similiar to ODD) that CAUSES them to rebel. No Shabbos,decandent behavior… ( loshen hora is even worse they screqm) It doesnt matter, we have to accept them, love them…regardless of what they do.
    Hashem made a pact with us to keep his Torah. We all fall through sometime, wether it’s loshon hora or another transgresion but certainly we want to continue to be good Jews. But if we accept people who disobey Hashem’s laws as “poor kd

    elireb
    elireb
    10 years ago

    Contact Avi… you will be thankful that you did.