New York – People often compare dating to interviewing for a job. In the Orthodox Jewish world, this notion is taken almost literally.
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Upon returning from post-high-school studies in Israel, young Orthodox women (such as myself) meet with recruiters, commonly known as shadchanim (matchmakers). After determining whether the young woman wishes to marry a “learner” (a man studying full time in yeshiva), an “earner” (a professional) or a combination of the two, the shadchan collects the prospective bride’s “shidduch résumé,” detailing everything from education and career plans to dress size, height, parents’ occupations and synagogue memberships. The shadchan then approaches a suitable single man or, most likely, his parents — who add the woman to their son’s typically lengthy “list.”
Before agreeing to a noncommittal first date, the man’s parents begin a thorough background check that puts government security clearance to shame. Phoning references isn’t enough — of course they’ll say good things — so they cold-call other acquaintances of the potential bride, from camp counselors to college roommates. The questions they ask often border on the superficial: “Does she own a Netflix account?”; “Does she wear open-toed shoes?” (The correct response may vary depending on how Orthodox a woman the man is looking for.)
Just as the economy is headed to recession, the shidduch system is in crisis mode. Or so the rabbis moan, noting the surplus of women eager to marry and the corresponding shortfall in the quality and quantity of available Jewish men. It’s not that there are more Orthodox women than men out there; experts instead attribute the shortage to the broader sociological trend of postponing marriage, which works to the disadvantage of women looking for spouses their own age or just a few years older. Men who are 30 will date women as young as 18 and may turn their noses up at dating any woman past the age of 25. The 20% or 30% of women who don’t get hitched right away begin to worry they’ll be left out in the cold for good.
Sensing this shift of power, mothers of sons who remain in the matchmaking system increase their demands: Any prospective daughter-in-law must be a size two, or a “learner” son must be supported indefinitely by the girl’s parents. For men, “it’s a buyer’s market,” says Michael Salamon, a psychologist and author of “The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures” (2008). “And the pressures of dating are creating all kinds of social problems, such as eating disorders and anxiety disorders. It’s frightening.”
I used to shrug off this talk. Genocide in Darfur is a crisis; being single at 23 is not. But the communal pressure is hard to ignore. Orthodox Judaism, like most traditional faiths, is geared to families; singles lack a definitive role.
Then there’s what social worker Shaya Ostrov calls the “popcorn effect.” During the first two to three years following high-school graduation, 70% to 80% of Orthodox women get married; weddings then peter off. “The system works for a very limited period of time,” says Mr. Ostrov, the author of “The Inner Circle: Seven Gates to Marriage.” Friends of mine compare dating to musical chairs; nobody wants to end up an “old maid,” and so they get engaged, hoping doubts will prove unfounded. “Young women,” notes Sylvia Barack Fishman, professor of contemporary Jewish life at Brandeis University, “are often made to feel that they are damaged goods if they have not married — and married well — by their early 20s.”
Part of the problem is the increased number of “serial daters” who, as Ms. Fishman says, are “shopping for perfection.” When Mr. Ostrov runs workshops, he asks male participants in their early 30s how many girls they have dated. “One hundred seventy-five is not an unusual number,” he says. “Dating” in these cases usually ends after just one or two meetings with each girl.
Many men admit that their refusal to commit themselves to a woman stems from fear of making a mistake. The only thing worse than being an “older single” male, it seems, is being a 25-year-old divorcé with two children. It is women, though, who are usually more stigmatized by a split. Indeed, one big problem in the Orthodox community is the “Post-Shidduch Crisis.”
“We’re seeing more and more recently married, young Orthodox Jews getting divorced,” says Mr. Salamon, who estimates that the divorce rate among the Orthodox has risen to an alarming 30% in the past five to 10 years. (Hard data are difficult to come by, Mr. Salamon says, because the Orthodox shun research studies for fear of harming their own or their children’s shidduchim.)
The core of the problem is that young marrieds don’t know how to accommodate each other, says Mr. Salamon. And singles need to start asking the right questions. “Family history has nothing to do with whether you’ll make a good husband or wife,” he says. The rigid, interview-style questioning is only wreaking havoc: “They’re looking for some sort of guarantee. But who can guarantee happiness?”
I agree as does most people. The issue is that while everyone agrees, it only applies to yenem and not to themselves or their son!
Being a part of this community I actually see the truth in this article. There definitely exists a “popcorn” effect in shidduchim. But this effect has always been in existence. In statistics it’s given a name, the bell curve. For those on the wrong side of the bell curve or popcorn effect it can often be depressing or even devastating. But if a girl makes a conscious decision to put off her plans to find a shidduch, then she should know by now the perils of trying to get back into a system geared to produce popcorn quickly for those who were in there first.
apparantly the only solution is to daven non stop as a father of a bunch of married girls i did not stop harrasing the shadchanim which today does not work because they all now want a minimum of $1000 up front before they will even red you a shidduch for your daughter. many will say that the only real solution is to make sure that the girl is the earner therapist , special ed , nurse, etc. so if the girls parents can only promise $1500. a month it wont break the shidduch.
Last but not least for all my daughters i went to a rav yonah carlebach in lakewood for a brocho i never gave a nickel but all my daughters and neices got engaged during that year that he gave the brocho.
P.S. his num. is not listed but he learns in bmg
30% divorce rate? I think not. Another ‘expert’ selling bologne.
Before going on any date, or out with some of these boys, I would want a complete background check. First, these so called shadchanim have no MORAL values, and are only interested in a DOLLAR.
Had experience with one in Queens, NY, and told her I don’t go outwith a woman on a lie, nor would I begin a relationship based on a lie. Was told you can talk to the girl on your date. Told her no, I’m being honest up front, and expect you to be the same.
Know of a case first hand were the boy was/is a pedogphile, and was told to come clean with the girl. Everyone covered it up, and now he sits in Rikers Island, wont give his wife a get, and the US rewrote a treaty to bring this B—–back to the US.
divorce rate is higher. the whole community is in turmoil.
but hey, at least they are getting those “unsavory” individuals away from fakewood, then alls well.
Listen up litvikes, this is a problem you have created and brought upon yourselves…..
The Chasidishe boys get married young so there is no crisis
In today’s age with the technology that we have I think that each eligible boy or girl should have a complete profile with pictures and a video conference of at least 5 minutes of interaction with others and explaining what they are looking for. This should be a viewing requirement before the two agree to go out on a date. As a result most of the criteria’s will have been already answered, less time wasted fewer rejections and there will be more quality dating thereafter all serial daters should be screened out. We find many times there where takunas not to embarrass even a sinner. All the more so we need higher standards not to embarrass people who are looking for their basherter.
Our daughters met boys on their own. They found nice boys and got married and are happy. If we didn’t like a boy we told them and that was that. They married only boys we approved. No FBI interrogations or background checks, however, on our part.
i think these girls who come back from eretz yisrael should have some time to clear their heads and come down to earth. a lot of boys who
learn are only doing so that they can have a easy ride for a long time and puts alot of demands on the girls family. if a boy is a serious learner
he would be willing to live a torah true ife which
is a modest one and be happy with what the shver gives and hhis wife earns. how many boys fit this
category
annonymous
dude, not all chassidishe buchrim get married young, i know a few over 25.
I agree with Big Mike here. Who needs a shadchan? In my opinion, THEY are who end up causing most of the “crisis” anyway. I found my bashert on my own, and was able to do so because my parents raised me with core values, and I had all the tools I needed to make a confident decision. My parents were there to support me the entire way, but never once did they get in the way.
Think about it. With Shadchanim and parents making all the decisions for their children, is it any wonder the divorce rate is so high? At some point, people will give up on faking their happiness just because they were “forced” into it by a shadchan (who is a nogea b’davor anyway, no? I mean, come on — when would a salesperson tell you that a dress looks horrible on you?) or because they thought they were doing it to make their parents happy?
The whole tone of the article is anti semitic.
To Anon 10:35
I am afraid you are naive and/or kidding yourself. I know plenty of older Chasidishe boys (and girls) who are also not married, and plenty (if not more) chasidishe divorcees. (whether that is because they get married when they are too young… who knows.)
The problem today IMHO is that everyone is too picky, and “the system” doesnt make it easier.
I went to college in the 70s, and just about all my friends met their spouses in college. On top of an education, we learned social skills, and we matured into responsible adults. Why is the divorce rate so high? 2 reasons right there. The boys are a bunch of spoiled immature babies and both girls and boys have no social skills. They get married because everything “looks good on paper”. He’s learning? check; He’s handsome? check? She’s rich? check; She’s a size 2? check; etc.
30% divorce rate? No way.
Here’s a test for everyone readng this post. Think of your entire extended family – brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, and first cousins. (Married people, include your wife’s family.) How many got married? How many of those are divorced? My best is most folks will see 5%-10%.
I’ve got three divorces among 4 siblings, and 22 first cousins.
“The whole tone of the article is anti semitic.”
You’re aware that the article was written by a frum woman, right?
In any event, I thank Heaven all the time that I met my wife on my own and that I didn’t have to go through all this shidduch madness.
The Wolf
What about the “old way” of just meeting thur freinds/family and falling in love, then maybe the divorce won’t be 30%!!!
11:12, what anti semitic? it was written by a tamar snyder. what you think she is? greek catholic?
I think who ever invented marriage didn’t intened for it to last that long. In the old days ppl didn’t live that long, so being married for 10-20 years was no big deal. Being married with the same person for decades isn’t easy, no matter how good a person the both of them are, or how good they look.
I agree whos needs shadchan if the guy is old enough to get married he’s old enough to meet a woman on his own and also some guys should be taught how to communicate with woman. they seem to forget YOU CANT TALK TO A WOMAN THE SAME WAY YOU TALK TO YOUR GUY FRIENDS.
I was just wondering if any one did a study on couple who met on their own or via a shadchan who’s better off in the long ran.
i’m sure both have their positive and Neg.
Its very sad sometimes, the shadchan doesnt always tell the truth to either party . she has a goal that is trying to marry off the couple..
a few months ago, i met a couple that were getting divorced after a few months b/c the shadchan failed to diclose some info to the grls side and if they know this info before they wouldnt have gotten married.
Did falling in love getting to know your spouse fall to the waste side??
another interesting problem is we live in a throw away society ???
if the first one is not Good get a new one !!!
The article doesn’t say that the divorce rate in the frum community is 30%. It says that there has been an increase of 30%. So if the divorce rate in prior years was 10%, it is now 30% more of 10% which now equals 13%.
Yitzchok,
I’m afraid you’re wrong. The quote says:
“who estimates that the divorce rate among the Orthodox has risen to an alarming 30% in the past five to 10 years.”
The word “to” indicates that the rate is 30%. If it was merely an increase of 30%, it would have said that the rate “has risen an alarming 30%.”
The Wolf
“You’re aware that the article was written by a frum woman, right?”
I think this article was written by an angry feminist who is frustrated that she has not found “Mr. Perfect,” even though she thinks that she is “Ms. Perfect.”
For those that met their spouses themselves, can you please let us know how you met them?
While I realized early on that my bashert wouldn’t come from a professional shadchan I also knew that I probably wouldn’t meet her on the street myself.
Eventually a neighbor called to set me up with her friends daughter…
In yeshiva we were told that if you don’t want to deal with professional shadchanim you have to get your name out some other way. Make sure your friends spouses’ know who you are and have them try to set you up with their friends. They’re less likely to hide anything from you since they’re not in it for the money and they don’t want to lose a friend. (And they just went through this themselves.)
Good luck to you all, may you all find your bashert soon. (And live happily ever after.)
Gut Shabbos
I hate to think so close to Elul that people are foolish enough to bandy about accusations of anti semitism. I believe the author used her journalistic skills to highlight and explain the complex issue of dating in the orthodox community. She should be commended for her non judgemental approach. Perhaps it is time for all of us, parents of sons and daughters alike to reevaluate this system. Yasher Koach to Tamar Snyder for an excellent article and may every child find their beshert, and keep their beshert, soon. Shabbat Shalom.
Folks: The article did quote a 30% divorce rate; which is wrong. I even doubt a 10% divorce rate, even 5% is high (IMO). Just think, a 5% rate equals one in twenty couples; can’t be. I know plenty of folks and been to 100s of weddings in the last 35+ years and the break-up rate is b”h minimal.
On the other hand; much of the article is corrent (sadly so). Especially with the more ‘modern’ or ‘litvishe’ crowd, where the majority of frum boys park themselves in Lakewood and alike and can’t wait to be ‘defrosted’ (you all know of the so-called freezer there)and anxiously await to be rescued (‘geratwet’) by a wealthy ‘shver’ who will support them forever. They forgot that the best and most honest way to make a living is to work and earn it. The Litvishe Rosh Yeshivas promote this insanity. The Torah advises just the opposite (see Gemoroh Sotah, was this week in Daf Yomi; 1st build house, then plant vineyard = make living, thereafter get married!).
All those yeshivish boys are talking about is the search for a wealthy girl; the rest is unimportant. They kiss up to any one with money. “Pney Doyr Ke’pney Kelev” >> see the last Blatt in Sotah which is this coming Shabbos’ Daf Yomi; it explains it all.
The Chassidishe community is much more realistic and normal in this regard!
why cant it be anti semetic just because it was written by a jew? half the comments on this website are anti semetic
What about the “old way” of just meeting thur friends/family and falling in love, then maybe the divorce won’t be 30%!!!
07-11-2008 – 12:30 PM
It wont be 30% It’l be 70%
the very fact people are considered “bitter” or “jaded” at 23 is exactly what’s wrong with the system.
Oy oy oy – so many opinions by so many who know nothing
Women come back from seminaries thinking the guy must learn full time – and even ten or twenty years later they don’t change that opinion or drop the stupid qualifications list. Also too many women feel fulfilled without a man they just want their girlfriends.
Men mostly afraid of a gold digger wife if they are already successful; who can get all his assets in a divorce,
Thus older unmarried man and increased divorce and unmarried women.
I think that the problem is with the women more than the men. A complaint that I have heard many times is that it’s the girls that have unrealistic expectations. Many girls believe that their bashert (soul mate) is a guy who is the best at everything;work, learning Torah, chesed and so on. The expectations of the girls today are impossible to be met. I think that a reality check is in need.
Now the goyim will blame the economy problems on the shiduchim crisis!
And the price of oil just went up another 10.00 per barrel after the article came out.
Gevalt !
for the chasid who said the chasidim marry young so this doesnt pertain to them, think again. sadly i know a few young folks that are satmar who are divorced. some with kids, some without.
so come out of your bubble and live in the real world folks.
The best boys are the serious right winged Y.U.
boys… They work, and every spare moment they have they are learning..no fakers, hockers, or
“tutsachs” here.THEY ARE THE REAL DEAL.
I know because I’M the mother of one such boy;
he’s a proffesional, to him that is the tafel
and always sefarim with him wherever he goes and that is the ikar.
ALL The boys these days, CHASIDISH or LITVAK, or anything, are raised as irresponsible immature babies, who expect to put their brains to sleep, as they wait in bais medrash for a wealthy girl.
THE PARENTS of all these boys WENT TO COLLEGE, worked hard, had real jobs, AND STILL MANAGED TO BE VERY FRUM AND RAISE FRUM KIDS,..
Yet these same parents pay for more jewish education for their kids than any previous generation. but allow the Rabbis to BRAINWASH them into thinking that these boys today can’t go to college and get real jobs. THESE RABBIS SHOULD BE PAYING THE RENT AND INSURANCE FOR ALL THESE WASTED LEARNING BOYS, WITH WASTED BRAINS.
This is the first generation where the GIRLS go to college and get real jobs (yet they manage to stay frum), but the boys just learn, sit on their b—s all day waiting for handouts from HARD WORKING FRUM FATHERS IN LAW and hard working wives who are like shmattahs working all day, cleaning, cooking, parenting, shopping for groceries, and GOING to COLLEGE.
This experiment in the New Jewish “Learning Boy” by Yeshiva Rabbis of today will prove disastrous, as these “learning boys” unemployed bums soon have their 10 kids (using the one part of the body they are allowed to use- no not their brains for Degrees or Hands for work,- the other part). and these kids need tuition, weddings, WHO WILL PAY FOR THAT?? The great grand parents who are retired??
The Rabbis should be SUED for creating this new generation of “hand it to me” boys.
The MEN are supposed to support women and families. There is no Jewish Halacha of men doing nothing but learn and sending girls out to work while kids are with day care.
The girls parents should, MUST, stop their girls from being BRAINWASHED in Seminary to expect nothing from a boy, while she is expected to take on the MAN’s ROLE.
This is a disaster for the Jewish Family who will be IMPOVERISHED if this keeps up into the next generation.
to all parents who have boys or girls at home over the age of 23-25 should start thinking “out of the box”…..
to all divorced men/woman do the same…
give things a chance to develope, dont say no to a shidach thats the easy way out….
trust me i am a living proof of this matter
This is a GREAT way to get yourself a shidduch. Put your name in the Wall Street Journal and trash the entire Orthodox community. Nice.
Also, does anyone else think this is poorly written? Too; many; semicolons. This gets a B- even by Touro’s low standards.
The shidduch crisis will onlky get worse because those guys who are learning all day will not be rich when they become parents and their daughters will have a hard time marrying guys who learn all days, because learners want inlaws who have a PHD, (Pappa has dough) The Chumras of the Orthodox Jewish community is causing the shidduch crisis. There needs to be more openess to finding a shidduch and not expect so much. Why are we allowing male and female singles to socialize when they reach 40 and older? When they get to this age they are hopeless. They need to start meeting when they are 18, shemonah esrei lechupa not arbaim lechupa. Religion makes very frum people with a low sex drive and they do not know about sexuality, If they know about sexuality, they think its a bad thing. Stop relying on shadchanim only and resumes, pictures, interviews, applications, this is not halacha, this is mamash stupidity that is just plain wrong. Shadchanim are the cause of the shidduch crisis, men and women need to be more open with each other and start talking and stop thinking that the opposite gender is just meant for sex. We are all Jews and we are all in it together.
All this anger and aggrevation, lets call it as it is. There is more “Hester Panim” than previous times thefore things sre much more difficult. The only eitza is to daven to Hashem for a Yishua, because no matter how much Hester Panim there is, Hashem is always close and waiting for out tefillos. They say over a story about the Bais Yisroel ( The previous Gerer Rebbe) that a Yid came to him and said that his wife is very sick and she needs a yeshua. The Rebbe told him that he should daven. The individual replied that he dosent know how to, to which the Rebbe replied “Now that’s the real problem”. One cannot make light of peoples Tzaros but the only one that one can have a yeshua is through Hashem
I read and re-read this article many times and saved it for moments when I feel frustration. My daughter now 26, who is well educated both in Bais Yaakov, and then secular university, warm, well spoken, well adjusted, was not pushed into a marriage after seminary-(better known as a psychiatric camp in Israel).She was told by shadchanam that she was “too smart, too educated, too this, too that, until she lost all confidence. Then a friend of mine’s child married someone from a great “yichus” family. The great “yichus” family knew nothing of the family their daughter was marrying into, nor did they know of the chosson-they didn’t delve at all. I looked at the article again, and decided right then and there, that she would go to no more “shadchanam” who themselves turned out to be simple, undeducated, self-centred people who see the world through their own blinders.These women, instead of selling schmattas from their cellars or front rooms, are now in the new business of “shadchanan.”I looked at the article again and said “No more shadchanan.” Thank you so much for such simple honesty and rare insight to the realities.
fascinating and communicative, but would participate in something more on this topic?
The author labels guys who meety a lot of girls just once or twice as ‘shopping for perfection’. Guys who meet 5 or 6 times before deciding it is wrong are labelled ‘commitment shy’. The world is a very tough place for the single man looking for his basherte. He either gets dumped a fair amount or does the dumping and gets maligned for being commitment phobic or looking for the impossibly perfect.
Can’t we just accept that some people have not yet found the right one. After all, the system demands that a guy ‘describe’ what he is looking for. That assumes that the guy has a clear picture of what that is (and if he does have a clear picture he gets blamed for being too specific and not flexible enough) and that the shadchan actually gets what he is describing. In such an imperfect system I think it is a miracle that almost anyone gets engaged.
I was raised very secular and I was married two times for a total of 9 years before I came to faith in G-d at age 32 and I have remained single sence I met G-d in 1993 , I was married twice to gentile’s one for 2 years and one for 7 years and I think it was a mistake for me a Jew to marry a gentile . I the Jew age 52 without a wife living alone ! . I married young at age 20 and at 25 and I was not ready for marriage, I was not trained in Torah . Both my wifes wanted power over me and I resisted . So power struggles , lack of money and us getting board and wanting more out of life led us to the divorces. And on support ; I never thought that my wifes should support me , I thought I was supposed to provide for them , that was how I saw things. My family is secular but we are Jewish Levite Priestly Desendant’s from the first Temple in Jerusalem. G-d explained it to me in detail when I was studying Leviticus that my desendant was taken captive to Babylon and that He was married there to a woman from Yissachar in 538 BC and that He later moved to Russia then we went to Chekoslovakia, Austria and finally to the USA in 1888. My life is not as I planned it .