New York – Rabbi Simon Jacobson of Brooklyn NY is a sought-after scholar and lecturer on Jewish thought and its contemporary application, speaking to diverse audiences worldwide, he has also undertaken a strong approach on the issue of child abuse in the frum community. VIN News recently exchanged email and phone conversations with the good rabbi to get his opinion on the issue of exposing child molesters in the frum world.
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Dear Rabbi,
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As chief-editor of a news website I commend you for courageously addressing one of the worst curses plaguing our community: child abuse.
I receive many submissions exposing child molesters and various forms of abuse in our communities. I would like you to discuss the issue of publicizing this information. On one hand, many argue that we are prohibited from “loshon hora,” speaking ill of others, even if it may be true. On the other hand how can any responsible person ignore the issue that has such devastating effects and just “push it under the rug”?
I believe that you have the power to spearhead a major campaign, headed by real Rabbis and activists, to address this issue for the benefit of the larger community. The gravity of abuse and its terrible consequences requires that we do nothing less than wake up, shake up and turn the community upside down.
Thank you,
Dear Editors:
Thank you for your supporting words and confidence. I am not really sure whether I can live up to your expectations to spearhead any major effort, but I can try adding my small contribution to this vital topic.
The only reason I have for the last few weeks been writing about abuse is precisely due to its far-reaching and devastating effects on so many lives. And not just for now, but for generations to come. Everything we build and teach our children, all our investments and dedication to good, all our moral standards, our entire education system, can be wiped out in one fell swoop when we or our children are violated.
I have been trained in the Torah way of thinking that any question we have must be framed in objective context, and weighed by various moral criteria that help us achieve some clarity. This is especially true for controversial and emotionally charged issues, due to their subjective effect on all of us – fear, anger, vengeance, shock, disbelief, and all the other complex feelings evoked by abuse.
The first of all ethical and Torah axioms must be stated at the outset: No one has a right to in any way violate in any way the body or soul of another human being. Indeed, we don’t even have the right to mutilate our own bodies, because your body does not belong to you; it is “Divine property.” Let alone someone else’s property. No crime is worse that assaulting another’s dignity – which is compared to the dignity of G-d Himself, being that every person was created in the Divine Image. Even a hanged murderer must not be defiled and his body not left to hang overnight because it reflects the Divine Image. How much more so – infinitely more so – regarding a live person and innocent child…
Abuse, in any form or shape, physical, psychological, verbal, emotional or sexual, is above all a violent crime – a terrible crime. Abusing another (even if it’s intangible) is no different than taking a weapon and beating someone to a pulp. And because of its terrible long-term effects, the crime is that much worse.
What do we do with violent criminals? We punish them. Once it has been determined that abuse was perpetrated, there should be consequences, both for the perpetrator and as a deterrent to other potential violators. The actual consequences need to be determined by local legal and Torah standards by the authorities on location. If for any reason the Torah authorities cannot deal with the situation, the only recourse is the same one employ for murderers, thieves and other criminals: legal action.
The next question is this: What are our obligations as parents, teachers, writers, website editors, or just plain adult citizens, when it comes to abuse?
On one hand we are talking about protecting innocent people from criminal predators, which clearly is a major obligation and priority concern. On the other hand, we do have laws prohibiting embarrassing people (even criminals) in public, always hopeful, allowing people to correct their ways. We have laws about avoiding gossip and speaking ill about others (loshon hora), and not feeding into the base instinct of “talking about others” or “mob mentality” witch-hunting expeditions.
We have several obligations when we see or know about a crime, as well as obligations to prevent further crimes:
1) A witness to a crime who does not testify “must bear his guilt” (Leviticus 5:1).
2) “Do not place a stumbling block before the blind” (Leviticus 19:14), which includes the obligation to warn someone from a danger we are aware of. If you see someone walking down the street and you know that further down the block there is an uncovered pit in the ground or a man with a gun, you are obligated to warn him.
If we are aware of a predator we must do everything possible to protect people from him.
3) “Do not stand still over your neighbor’s blood (when your neighbor’s life is in danger)” (Leviticus 19:16). It’s interesting to note that this commandment follows (in the same verse) “do not go around as a gossiper among your people,” suggesting that gossip is an issue only when no life is in danger. But if a life is in danger then “do not stand still” even if means speaking about it in public.
4) “You must admonish your neighbor, and not bear sin because of him” (ibid 17).
If one does not admonish, then he is responsible for the other’s sin (Sefer HaMitzvot, Positive 205; see Shabbat 54b. 119b). Though at the outset rebuke must be done “in private, kindly and gently,” not to embarrass him publicly (Arkhin 16b; Sefer HaMitzvoth, Negative 305), but if it doesn’t help, the obligation is to admonish him in pubic (Rambam Deos 6:8. Shulchan Aruch HaRav Hilchos Onaah v’Gneivas Daas 30).
This is true even about a crime that does not affect other people. All the care taken about public shame is because the crime does not affect the public. And even then, there are situations where the admonishment must be done publicly. By contrast, in our discussion about abuse, which affects others, all these restrictions do not apply: Embarrassment of a criminal is never an excuse a reason to put anyone else in potential danger.
Based on the above, I would submit that the following criteria to determine whether to publish and publicize the name of a molester:
1) The abuse must be established without a shred of doubt. Because just as we must protect the potential victims of abuse, we also are obligated to protect the reputations of the innocent, and not wrongly accuse anyone without evidence or witnesses.
2) Publicizing the fact will serve as a deterrent or even possible deterrent of further crimes, or will warn and protect possible future victims. If that is true, than “loshon hora” (speaking ill about someone) does not apply. It would be the equivalent of saying that it is “loshan hora” to warn someone of a weapon-wielding criminal who may cause harm!
If however publicity will not serve any benefit to the public, then there would be no reason to mention an individual’s name. For instance, if abuse took place years ago, and the crime has recently surfaced, unless publicizing the name could potentially protect future incidents, what point would there be to exposing the identity of the abuser? He may even have done teshuvah and been rehabilitated.
Even if he caused great damage to those he abused, and his victims want to get even and publicize his name, that alone may not be enough reason, unless it may help prevent future abuse. What may require further research is whether public shame in this instance is a legitimate form of punishment. This also touches upon the laws of forgiveness, which include the exception that one need not forgive if the perpetrator still needs to be humbled or if in the process the victim is being hurt.
3) Even if a name is not publicized, the issue of abuse itself must be addressed for the same reasons stated: To make the public aware of the dangers, to protect innocent children.
The argument that publicity will give the community a “bad name” and “why wash our dirty laundry in public?” does not supersede the obligation to protect the innocent from being hurt.
Anyone who suggests that abuse must be overlooked, because (as one person told me) it “happens all the time” and “by many people, including our leaders,” or for any other reasons – is not different than ignoring any other crime, and is in itself a grave crime.
One could even argue, that the greatest “Kiddush Hashem” (sanctifying G-d’s name) is when a Torah based community demonstrates that it doesn’t just mechanically follow the laws or isn’t merely concerned with reputations and shidduchim, but that it sets and demands the highest standard of accountability amongst its citizens, and invest the greatest possible measures to protect its children from predators, create trust and absolutely will not tolerate any breach or abuse. That the greatest sin of all is ignoring or minimizing crimes being perpetrated against our most innocent and vulnerable members: our children.
In conclusion: The bottom line in all matters regarding abuse is one and only one thing: Protecting the innocent. Not the reputation of an individual, not the reputation of the community, not anything but the welfare of our children. In every given case, whether to publicize or not, whether to take any other action or not, the question that must be asked is this: What is best for the potential victims? Will or can this action help prevent someone from being hurt or not? If the answer is yes or even maybe yes, then the action should be taken.
Obviously, this has to be looked at on a case-by-case basis, due to the different nuances in every given situation. And of course, there will be instances when there are exceptions due to unique circumstances. Therefore, it is vital that competent, sensitive and educated authorities be consulted when a question arises.
My writing is not meant to serve as a “psak halacha,” a legal ruling. Rather, simply an attempt to frame the issues in terms that can help us discuss the issues and come away with some measure of clarity.
Legal rulings require more in-depth review and analysis by experts, preferably by more than one, to establish a consensus.
But one thing is clear: The crisis has reached a boiling point where is must be addressed and brought to the attention of the public, if nothing else, to make everyone aware of the dangers, the long-term consequences and the zero-tolerance policy that needs to be applied to every form of abuse.
Anything less would be irresponsible, immoral, and, yes, is some way complicit.
* * *
This week’s Haftorah, the fourth of the seven weeks of comfort, accelerates the healing process from all forms of abuse against our children. It describes how G-d Himself – I, I (anochi, anochi) – comforts His people.
I, I am He who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, and the son of man, who will be made like grass. And have forgotten G-d, your Maker, who stretched out the heavens, and laid the foundations of the earth; so that you are constantly afraid of the oppressor’s fury as he prepares to destroy? And where is the oppressor’s fury?
Despite the impeccable logic, that we should not fear mere mortals in the face of a formidable G-d, the fact remains that we do fear them. As Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakkai told his students at his deathbed: “May you fear G-d as much as you fear man.”
Oh, how life would be different if we did not fear, and could not be hurt by, people of flesh and blood. If we could only transcend the oppressor’s fury.
Yet, despite our short-sightedness, the Haftorah comforts us with the knowledge that our fears are unfounded and unnecessary. By meditating on the extreme contrast between transient oppressors and an immortal G-d, that very awareness can help lift us to a greater place, which cushions, if not immunizes us against, the harsher impact of abuse.
Ask people who have learned to heal from their wounds and virtually every one of them will tell you that a major step – indeed, the first of the twelve steps – toward healing consisted of recognizing that you, the human, are powerless. You must surrender to a Higher force, to G-d, and recognize that G-d protects us against predators. As long as you hold on to the illusion – one that holds us trapped in its iron-clad tentacles – of earthly power (“one world and many gods”), you remain a victim to your own beliefs. When you discover that there is “only one G-d but many worlds,” you become free of the fear of losing one world, because there is always another that can fill its place.
I have put My words in your mouth, and covered you in the shadow of My hand, planting the heavens, laying the earth’s foundation, and saying to Zion: ‘You are My people.’
But this discovery does not come without a price. Often we need to hit rock bottom before we awake. To achieve this level of cognizance requires a wake up call.
Awake, awake, stand up, Jerusalem! You have drunk from G-d’s hand the cup of His fury. You have drunk and drained the cup of the bowl of staggering.
Of all the sons she has borne, there is no one to guide her; nor is there any, of all the sons she brought up, who takes her by the hand. Your sons fainted; they lie at the head of every street like an antelope in a net. They are full of G-d’s fury, the rebuke of your Lord.
Awake, awake, put on your strength, O Zion. Shake yourself from the dust, arise, and sit down, O Jerusalem. Free yourself from the bonds around your neck, O captive daughter of Zion.
Depart, depart, go out from there, touch no unclean thing. Go out from her midst, purify yourselves, you bearers of G-d’s vessels.
Your sons fainted… Captive daughter…
It is quite unnerving to read the Haftorah with child abuse in mind and see its uncanny relevance (I didn’t even quote the rawer verses).
But above all is the overriding message of deep hope:
I, I am He who comforts you. I, who planted the heavens, laid the earth’s foundation, say to you: ‘You are My people.’
what a kiddush hashem
Lock & Load
Beautiful! This peice should be required reading for all those individuals who would ignore the issues of molestation and domestic violence in our Community and fool themselves into believing they are justified because of Loshon Hara. Well said Rabbi. I am currently persuing my black belt in karate and have a gun license. I pity anybody that ever molests my children!
“Therefore, it is vital that competent, sensitive and educated authorities be consulted when a question arises.” – It sounds like this would exclude an incompetent, insensitive, and uneducated POLITICIAN.
shina toros, somthing has to be done in action we may spend time seeing results.
finally a sane Rabbinic voice, using halache to protect children from future abuse.
The community should thank Rabbi Simon Jacobson
The community needs to stand publicly behind Rabbi Simon Jacobson, and not just in private or the amenity of the web for for his word to be heard, and real action taken to protect the children.
Very thought out and profound thoughts, by Rabbi Jacobson.
I hope the “rabbis” and “others” won’t make him resign or run for his life!!! These mamzeririm should be held liable just like the molesters if not more!!
But we as individual people have to get up and fight them!! Where are all the Nachshon Ben Aminadavs???
We can’t expect Rabbi Jacobson or Dov Hikind to do all the work for us!!
Thank you for a thoughtfully written piece. However, I have experienced abuse in many ways: as a wife of an abuser, as a mother of children abused by their father, and as a teacher made aware of abuse, and I find that more information and help is needed.
The person I was married to was at first verbally and psychologically abusive, but I did not know there was such thing; I just thought he was not a nice person and could not figure out how that could happen in a person supposedly so committed to Torah life, learning all day, so careful checking his tzitzit each morning, wearing a yarmulke under his hat, laining 2 sets of tefillin. I could not figure out how a person so careful with these, could have such terrible midot. He told me it was me, my midot or actions, that drove him to drink, to speak so unkindly, to insult, to control, to keep me from friends and family. Although pretty sure I was a pretty good person and not inviting his wrath, I thought about consulting a Rav or at least mashpia to see what I could do, but was afraid it would constitute lashon hara. Even when he became physically abusive, even when he threatened to kill me, even when he tried to kill me, I did not know what to do that would not entail lashon hara. It was only when he became physically abusive to my babies, who were only 1, 2, and 3 at the time, that I sought to escape, and even then did not have the resources; he controlled everything and had moved us far away from anyone who could help. BH, I did get help, but have always been aware of those nagging questions: how could a person so apparently committed to Torah be abusive? How can one get help without talking lashon hara? HOw do we know when someone claims abuse that it really happened, that it is not vandetta, trying to get someone innocent into trouble? This last question arose because my older daughter, at age 7, did not want to continue wtih overnights to her father (why the courts allowed any visits is another question!!!). It only came out in a totally odd and separate conversation that her father was having her ‘snuggle’ with him in bed, showering with her, etc, and she did not like it but was afraid to say no to him. Sadly it was true, but how do we know each time a child says something happens, that it IS true? One year, a student of mine was out for a few days; he came back saying he fell and had stitches in his head. His younger brother was also a student, and was often sad; one day when talking with him he said, “You know what really happened to B (his brother)? My father got mad that he didnt take the garbage out and so took the garbage can and crashed it over his head.”
I went right away to the minahel, who said, “What can we do about it? You want to report it and break up the family? ANd how do you know this child is telling the truth, anyway?”
Please forgive me for writing so much; I write all of this not to be tedious, but rather to make people aware that not only are there many kinds of abuse, but that there is often not a way out, and we often do not know with whom to speak, and are often yelled at when we do, and the fine line between lashon hara or possible motzi shem ra, and helping an innocent, is confused and confusing. Somehow, we have to clearly define for everyone what the signs and parameters of abuse are, to whom to speak and how and when.
it was me formely who said this
The community needs to stand publicly behind Rabbi Simon Jacobson, and not just in private or the amenity of the web for for his word to be heard, and real action taken to protect the children.
FINALLY!!
For all those who claim that Torah is not relevant in our times, this piece proves that it still is.
We finally have someone who understands that as god fearing jews we must use the Torah to guide us, and not some attention seeking headlines.
While I commend the loud POLITICIAN for bringing this to the forefront, it is leaders such as Rabbi Jacobson, who uses Torah and thinks calmly, that will ultimately prevail in providing a solution.
For those who claimed I never have a good word to say about the frum community. The previous posts that say fomerly is the same person as formerlyfrum
This article was one of the most meaningful ones I read about the subject. Thank you for publishing it.
were does he live this rabbi? i am with him all the way!
So bottom line? When and where will we hang these molesters?
I’m all with you Rabbi! when there is some sort of evidence or outright indication (clear enough to be justified by the Torah) that some form of abuse did take place, in such a case it has to be dealt with the most uncompromised form of justice. but, there is one major mistake happening at the same time, its the issue of fingrer pointing that’s very “famous” in our midst, whenever someone has an issue with someone, he/she has no problem to go to the DA’s office, and at no charge file a complaint against any innocent person, and then that “chosen scape goat” has to deal with it..
this is especially popular in domestic disputes and in a lot of custody cases, where the lawyers push such actions, and the accused has to deal with “righteous” people and activists to clean their name and hire lawyers for hundreds of thousands dollars to avoid false prosecution.
its a great mitzva to fight abuse with all might, as well as its atleast as important to get the evidence and facts 100 percent clear before ruining a person and his family forever.
תלמוד ירושלמי מסכת סוטה פרק ג דף יט טור א /ה”ד
אי זהו חסיד שוטה?
…
3. ראה נערה מאורסה והיה רץ אחריה הדא היא דתנינן הרודף אחר חבירו להורגו אחר הזכור אחר נערה מאורסה (sees a man about to rape an engaged woman and does not save her)
I agree with Lock & Load
Lock & Load Says:
what a kiddush levuna
Lock & Load
09-18-2008 – 2:20 PM
That is part of the problem, Esther; people making up stories not only ruin innocent people, but they also make the telling of true situations suspect. Another part of the problem, as we saw, is the threat factor, where people are bullied into not saying anything and not doing anything to help. How do we, as the abused, and most especially abused children, know whom to trust, in whom to confide?
well said, now chashuva rav please speak out, join dov hikind, dont be pushed by the empty suits askanim or rabbonim.
Beautifuly said and done with, however lets get to the point. Who will have the “guts” to take on our community, put together an organization of neutral people who have a say in the community and we will have a data base of all the abusers in our community and we will be able to report to the community in a responsible manner without fear of reprucuccions? Who will not fear being bullied into not being an “asken?” There has been lots of talk but “no action??” So lets get moving..and have this done before the Yom Hadin!
I notice the good Rabbi clearly states the following:
“But one thing is clear: The crisis has reached a boiling point where is must be addressed and brought to the attention of the public, if nothing else, to make everyone aware of the dangers, the long-term consequences and the zero-tolerance policy that needs to be applied to every form of abuse.
Anything less would be irresponsible, immoral, and, yes, is some way complicit.”
This seems to validate what Rabbi Nuchem Rosenberg has done and that all parents and yeshivas should publicize the dangers of child abuse. Seems also to invalidate the Kol Korah against him as well.
Rabbi Simon-
I applaud your straight-forward attention this painful and, unfortunately prevalent topic.
But I do NOT agree with:
“If however publicity will not serve any benefit to the public…..For instance, if abuse took place years ago, and the crime has recently surfaced, … what point would there be to exposing the identity of the abuser? He may even have done teshuvah and been rehabilitated.
No, Rabbi Jacobson. People that molest children DO not get rehabilitated. And done Teshuva? This is not a “religious” (or lack of) issue. This is a sickness. And to anyone’s knowledge, it is not curable.
We must expose perpetrators even if the deeds were long ago…..
Lock & Load Says:
what a kiddush hashem
Lock & Load
09-18-2008 – 10:35 AM
———————
You see most readers here know
that the REAL LOCK & LOAD would not say that
stop stealing other peoples names
Its PATHETIC to see how Uncreative you are
AS all you know when it come to this Matter what I Hold
You take care of business first and then Deal with the Law
LOCK & LOAD………..
Nechamah, Thanks for your post re your personal experience with abuse. To be frank, to stop hiding the truth, is one step toward helping a community to deal with abuse. Most of us underestimate how hard it is to come forward and say: I was a victim. So, thanks for sharing.
why is sthis one area so specifically delicate? sure there need to be safegaurds against false accusations which can also ruin good people
but why as opposed to exposing any other crimes – petty sever or otherwise do we have no problem naming names and telliong stories but this one everyone is so dainty about?
As a fellow Lubab, I commend you Rabbi Simon! (I am one of the first people who come running when I have an opportunity to hear Rabbi J speak.) I would love to see Noach Dear take Rabbi Jacobson into his project. Rabbi J does not have to worry about what people will say when it comes to his kids shidduchim! It would be an honor for anyone to be meshadech with his family. This is the highest form of Ahavas Yisrael. He is not afraid to stick up for the week. May the Eibishter bentch you and your family with only wonderful things and all the Rebbe’s Brochas in the coming year with the ultimate brocha of Moshiach NOW!
A Gut Gebentched Yuhr to all of us!
My heart went out to Nechama, reading her terrible story of abuse, but I must express my frustration at the total misunderstanding that exists today regarding the laws of loshon hora. It is great that the community has become so careful in avoiding gossip. HOWEVER, again and again I see ppl who don’t seem to understand that speaking ill of a person FOR A CONSTRUCTIVE PURPOSE is not only permitted, but often an OBLIGATION!! How can anyone think that the Torah would prohibit a woman stuck in an abusive marriage, or a child who has been molested, not to seek help because it would be “loshon hora”!? And whatever happened to the mitzvah of “venishmartem me’od lenafshoseichem”?? PLEASE, if there is anyone out there in a similar situation, speaking ill of someone in such a situation is NOT loshon hora! Please don’t be a chosid shoite.
May Hashem protect us all.
Done teshuvah? Would that not have entailed asking mechila from his victims? If he has not and will not he does not have true chrotah.
The discussion about teshuvah here is completely out of place. Shlomo Hamelech phrased it appropriately when he referred to “Me’uvas lo yuchal liskon”, a wrong doing that cannot be corrected. When one has committed a murder, can he say, “Whoops, I’m sorry”? Will that help revive the corpse? We are dealing with an offense that has long term effects, and these cannot be removed or even reduced by apologies.
The issue of teshuvah is relevant to the individual’s standing with Hashem. Frankly, that is no business of anyone mortal involved. Not the victim, not any Rav, not a Beis Din, not an employer, yeshiva, or school. Hashem can forgive anyone that He feels merits it. A victim cannot simply forgive without having undergone the growth it takes to reach such a pinnacle. Forgiveness is so difficult since there is zero trust in the perpetrator, the damage continues to haunt the victim nearly at the initial intensity up to the present, and there is seldom to ever any interest on the part of the violator to seek it.
Yes, old incidents deserve to be addressed as if they occurred yesterday. And whether teshuvah was done can never be a factor in how the community deals with it.
The idea that old offenses do not deserve investigation wipes out any faith I had in the man.
he never said “old offenses do not deserve investigation wipes out any faith I had in the man”
READ!!!! he said that not necessarily will the information protect the public.You need to do research and find out if the information will protect anyone.Has he done teshuvah? is teshuvah possible in his offence?
In a sexual abuse case there might not be a teshuvah,but in physical abuse there might be.
EVERYTHING HAS TO BE SPELLED OUT FOR CHILDREN HERE? READ CAREFULLY !!
and yasher koach to reb twerski’s words, too: “Yes, old incidents deserve to be addressed as if they occurred yesterday. And whether teshuvah was done can never be a factor in how the community deals with it.” 09-18-2008 – 8:35 PM
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My mother was molested by her father; it still affects her, to this day, her sisters, too, and they are affected, as well.
For my grandfather, z”l, who committed these horrors against his own children, apparently at some point there was some sort of teshuvah, as his younger children were not abused, and neither was I, nor were my cousins, by him.
As far as people finding out goes, it’s clear that my grandmother never had any idea what he did. Nothing good could come from her knowing what he did, and hopefully she will never know. He wasn’t always the nicest person to her, either. But he was very kind to me.
My grandfather didn’t work with children; he may himself have been molested, as a child (which doesn’t make what he did right, by any means).
If he had been a teacher or worked in any sort of profession that involved children, I certainly hope that he would have had the sense to resign when he did finally change.
There are a few issues here:
1. Children need to be taught what is not appropriate touch and that they can talk to both their parents and their teachers/rebbes about it, if someone does anything to hurt them.
2. Yes, someone can do terrible things and do teshuva, but that doesn’t mean that what the did doesn’t still affect their victims.
3. A lot of comments over the past few weeks have expressed concerns re: shidduchim. For those victims who are now married, please consider checking if whoever hurt you still works with children. If they do, please either call the hotline or your rav or confront them, let them know you know they did you wrong and that they should not be working with children, if they still are.
For every person that “comes out” in comments, there are probably 10 more who don’t. Victimizers should know that they are being watched, and that if so much as a hair is out of place on the neck of a child they have contact with, all eyes and the threat of legal action will be on them, first.
I’m not telling anyone what to do (even if it reads that way). Just my two cents.