Dear Rabbi,
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I’m a father and I have no idea how to bring up a Jewish boy. All I know is not to do as my father did. Although that’s generally exactly what I end up doing. I want my son to grow up strong in his Jewishness and confident about his own self.
A. Dad
Shalom Dad,
There’s only two short lines you need to know. In the entire written Torah, it’s the only dialog there is between a father and his son. Just so happens it’s between the first Jewish father and the first Jewish son:
Then Isaac said to his father, “My father?”
And Abraham said, “Here I am, my son.”
There’s more, but we need to stop here first, so you can see the forest.
We’ve had those words before—only once before—at the beginning of this same tale. Abraham is answering his son with the same words he used earlier to answer G‑d:
So it was, after all these things, that G‑d tested Abraham, and He said to him, “Abraham!” And Abraham answered, “Here I am!”
And then G‑d asks Abraham to do something that goes against every cell of his body and soul: To harden his heart, turn off his mind, take his son and “raise him up for a sacrifice on one of the mountains I will show you..”
Men know the modality. Numbness. “Gotta do what I gotta do.” We do it when we go to war and when we go to work, when we fire an employee and when we discipline a child. There’s a small voice inside, screaming, “This is not who I am! How can I do this?” And we just tell it to shut up so we can get the job done.
We’ve all been there. You’ve got a deadline at work. A major meeting about a big contract. Nudniks to deal with, driving you nuts. Rush hour traffic stuns your nerves. 7:30 AM the next morning, and you don’t want to go. Not a cell in your body wants to go. But you have to.
Okay, it’s not who you are—you’re a family man with family priorities. But to feed a family, a man’s got to make sacrifices. Don’t feel what you feel, don’t think what you think. To do so would be to drive yourself insane. Smother that voice inside. Be a man, as men have been ever since their feet met the cold, hard earth. Just do.
The dad inside gets turned off. And along with him, so do his kids.
“Dad?”
“Dad?”
“I’m busy now.”
“Dad?”
“Sorry, son, I’m busy. Go talk to Mom.”
That’s what this bizarre world can do to a man: On the way to provide for his family, he sacrifices them on their own altar.
So here is Abraham, in the midst of his greatest test. He can only have one focus: To do what he was told. And that’s where he is, 100%. After all, this isn’t just about making a living. This is about hearing G_d’s voice. And so, Isaac calls out to him, not certain that his father is really there.
“My father?”
“Here I am, my son. All of me. For all of you What’s up?”
Perhaps that was the whole test. Perhaps with that alone, Abraham proved that he was fit to be the father of the nation that would bring G‑d’s compassion into the world.
Perhaps. But this I know for certain: With those words, Abraham passed on the torch to the next generation. Because when Isaac saw that his father was all there for him, in the same way and to the same degree as he was there for G_d when G_d spoke to him, then he was ready to be all there for his father and for his father’s G_d.
Those words are all you need to know to be a real Jewish dad. The rest will follow.
“Here I am, my son. All of me.”
Excellent point easier said than done
The reward for being a dad who says
” I am here son”, is having a child that will also say “I am here Dad.
Wow! Thanx. I’m inspired…….all of me!
very nice!
Very well said.
It’s not the only father-son dialogue in the Torah, however.
Great point if only we would have the clear mind to understand what’s going on around us every minute in the day we would be much better parents & our kids would be better kids
thanks for posting this!
Beautiful – Yasher Koach
I am not Abrham!
Think of it this way: There is a reason Kibud Av v’Em is one of the 10 Commandments. If not for that, many would love to have the oppurtunity to show their fathers what it was like being their son (and that’s saying it nicely).
If only parents would 5 minuts per day to devote on ondivided attention to each child we wouldn’t see so many of at risk teens, school dropouts E.T.C. If parent & child have a loving bond & the parent is up to par as per what’s going on in their childs daily life they would pick up on potential problems which ultimatly causes the child to go adrift.
And how many times does a child try to talk to his/her parents and the parent is yapping on the phone and not giving attention because the phone call is more important? This is a very big problem in todays world.
Someone mentioned give 5 minutes? Almost all yiddishe parents have the opportunity to be with their kids or are with their kids alot but do not care about them. This is the reason why so many kids are off the derech. Stop blaming yeshivos, neighbors, society and everyone else for the “kids at risk problem”.
This is no easy task but it can be done. Daven alot and try to do the best and everything will work out imy”h.
Ha.
Gotta think, tho.
God, the world’s first parent, had two kids in his house (the Eden Garden) – Adam and Eve. Gave them one rule – Don’t eat from THAT tree. They didn’t listen (Duh. Since when do kids listen?). And the great creator… kicked them out of his house.
Some parent.
So don’t despair. It was tough for Him too.
Breaat vort about Avraham Aveenu and Yitzchok Aveenu!
This problem is very noticeable especially by people with a lot of money. Generally, you will find them hiring a maid. Once that happens, that child will lose parental attention almst immediately. That maid will wind up substituting for many important moments. The maid will often cook, feed , dress, wait at the bus stop, pick up the child from the bus stop and sometimes do a little homework with the child. Eventually, after a year or two, that child will begin to rebel against the “missin” and the “constantly-busy-doing-other-things” parents. The parents will say they “can’t help it and I wish I could give more time.” This is not what always happens but it happens far too often.
Later, the child will start to get lower marks in school and soon there will be the tutor or the tutors. THen there will be summer camp and again the child is away.
Solution? Get rid of all the or most of the helpers, Make a little less money and devote more time to greatest treasures Hashem will ever give you.
Rav Gamliel Rabinowitz says in his sefer on Chumash (Tiv HaTorah on Parshas Lech Lecha I think) that today ‘kabeid es bincha ‘ is a mitzvah and his mother already used to say that this is so important in todays world that if the Torah was given nowadays this would have been included in the aseres hadibrois! The idea that is that it is the parents responsibility to ensure the childs happiness and not vice versa – our kids are not nachas machines brought here to make us feel good -though of course if we take care of them properly and they are happy kids inevitably they WILL make us feel good as a result. All the comments about the role parenting plays in so called “at risk” kids are 100% correct – we need to stop blaming the schools and rabbeim and start taking responsibility for our parenting!
Good vort! Love it.
Our problem is “Becoming a Dad when the mind and brains aren’t yet ready and mentally prepared for that”.
I find that by Woman, they are at the complete ready and prepared to take on full responsibility of raising a family while their spouses are like, Mmmmmm I just got out of yeshiva ain’t I supposed to have some years off now??
Many of the people I know that became dads at age 30 and up turn out to be much greater Dads then those who became dads at age 18 and that’s a fact.
Giving a Men 5-7 Years after marriage to mature his brains and letting him develop the positive feelings to children is a must, and we fail doing so and this resulting in a catastrophic Dad Child relationship which will usually take years to fix, (if possible at all).
I find this rushing young Chasidic men into fatherhood at such young age is bed not only for their kids, but also suffering are their wives, and most of all the Men THEMSELVES. due to them being torn between trying to be the father they really want to be and at the same time not having the God given strength and love to their Kids yet.
I got married at 18, and had my first child at 19, my second at 21. I really loved my kids from birth up to today, (my eldest is 18 now).
when I left for a business trip for only 2-3 days, my kids called me crying when i come home, they couldn’t wait for me to get home, they missed me, even though I was only the father.. and they had their mother around.
my biggest secret is the smile, the warmth they feel when they’re surrounded by their father’s prsence. even though I can be very strict and stern when somethin g wrong happened, they were always close to pop.
regarding the issue of marrying young, chazal say “ben shmoneh esrei lechupah” , and as a matter of fact, some people that don’t have children up to the thirties are sometimes much more abusive and too nervous to their kids, than those who have kids at a younger age.