New York – This week I turn my attention to one of the most important stages before marriage: the engagement period.
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It’s a fact of life that many young couples are unprepared for marriage. It’s true that couples learn about matters of Jewish law with their chassan teachers or kallah teachers before they get married. Yet there is a lack of knowledge of the effective communication skills and relationship-building tools that can enhance the feelings of love and camaraderie needed for a successful marriage.
Couples now face more demands than ever before. The typical complex marriage—managing two careers while rearing children—requires strong, well-established abilities to communicate, resolve issues, maintain mutuality, and set goals. Without this foundation, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by stress and time pressures. Problems intrude much more easily than most couples realize. Marriage preparation can function as an immunization that boosts a couple’s capacity to handle potential difficulties.
Overall, we need to give our young couples better skills to become successful in their marriages. Unfortunately, couples spend very little time learning about the art of shalom bayis before they get married. And, unlike professions such as law and medicine that test and certify their practitioners, marriage—the most important and longest profession anyone can enter into—doesn’t require any specific training or certification. Couples may start a marriage unprepared to meet the challenges that occur on a daily basis, such as child rearing, financial pressures, and spending quality time together.
A person spends around 12 years in school preparing to enter college, which takes four years to complete. Yet, how many years do people train to get married, which is supposed to last a lifetime?
To take the analogy one step further, if marriage would be placed side by side with other professions, how would it rank? Today, the national statistics are telling us that the success rates are only around 50 percent. Imagine a doctor who was successful only 50 percent of the time or a lawyer who successfully resolved only half of his cases. At some point, there would be a national upheaval and a public call to evaluate if our doctors and lawyers are truly prepared to enter into their professions.
I am aware that our community does not share these discouraging statistics. Yet, many believe that the divorce rate seems to be rising in the Orthodox world, and divorce appears to be more common than ever before.
All of this points to the need to respond to the challenges facing young couples, to begin the process of premarital education. Couples need to learn marital skills and develop realistic expectations before the marriage takes place. Only then will they be prepared to cope successfully with the inevitable ups and downs of marriage.
Recently, a new program called the SHALOM (Starting Healthy and Long-lasting Marriages) Workshop has begun to teach engaged couples the skills needed to have a successful marriage. Run by the Shalom Task Force, the workshop teaches engaged couples practical tools to achieve a healthy marriage and to effectively meet each other’s emotional needs.
In just one or two sessions, the chassan and kallah cover important issues such as:
• Increased understanding and sensitivity to each other’s feelings;
• Communicating effectively through a sense of mutual respect;
• Promoting self-confidence in each other; and
• Financial management.
As our literature describes, “The SHALOM Workshop teaches specific, easily learned methods for successful communication and effective problem-solving.” The goal is that participants will emerge with a deeper self-knowledge and the tools to build a happy, successful, and long-lasting marriage.
It’s important to note that this workshop in no way replaces traditional chassan and kallah classes; rather, it enhances the knowledge learned by practicing easy-to-use and practical tools that can make marriage more enjoyable.
During the workshop, a couple will learn how to actively listen to one another, express their feelings in a healthy way, and negotiate a power structure for making key decisions in their lives.
One participant from New York who took the workshop commented, “As I am getting married very soon, I think that my future husband and I will greatly benefit from the workshop. Taking the time to listen and let the other person know you are listening felt very validating, and actually enabled us to do something we both were too subjective to suggest doing with each other on our own.”
It’s time to expand the scope of educational programs offered to engaged couples to improve their chances of having a successful marriage and building a binyan adei ad. A pre-marriage program like the SHALOM Workshop is the place to begin.
Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, is the executive director of Shalom Task Force. For more information, visit www.shalomtaskforce.org. You can e-mail questions to him at
[email protected].
This is true that young gentlemen and the women have to be well prepared.
but, why does this heading say “frum community”??? are you aware that the divorce rate and the domestic violence rate is a thousand times worse by non jewish?? and also a much higher rate by non frum jews.
Just as important is teaching your child a way to EARN A LIVING. How will these kids be able to support themselves? Who is going to support them when they are (1) unemployable and (2) do not know how to work for a living.
This article was so to the point. But what the author didn’t bring out and may not realize, is that there should be two types of pre-marital instructions. The basic cultures of litvish yeshivish boys and girls and the rituals of meeting and getting married are so much different than in the chasidic communities. Different enough so that one single solution or education program cannot fit for these two diverse cultures, even though both are seemingly ultra-orthodox in their religious beliefs and practices.
I am in a very frum family, born and raised in Williamsburg and still live here, I went to many classes before my wedding as most chasanim do, and B”H years later now, and the results are gevaldig!
Yes there are shiurim and workshops for chasanim and kalah’s, but it has much more to do with the natures and attitude of the individuals…
As a matter of fact, I think the heimish rate of divorces is very low in comparison to the secular and non jewish world, it clearly gives some statement.
I think it should start even before one meets a shidduch.
I dont know exactly which young couples they’re referring to, but in my community there is a big variety of choson kallah lessons before and for after marriage, and a lot of private counselors as well.
What a wonderful article..I just married off my son and he went for those lessons..
The best $$$$ i ever spent…
As long as our rabbeim and teachers are brain washing our children that english education is a no-no and that marrying rich is the way to go and that kollel is it and nothing else works then thisarticle is a waste of time . Perhaps we need a depression to show the orthodox that god actually does want us to earn a living . Of course we have a shidduch crisis if our rabbeim are telling us to only mary rich .
We prepare them very well. Boys may never speak to girls and after they are married they have separate seating and the women keep house, raise the children and work. Why ruin this with courses?
I’m aware of this workshop and it’s the best thing ever for the ‘heimish’ community. If only all choson – kallah’s would do these workshops before jumping into marriage, blissfully ignorant, the frum world would have a lot more marital peace and harmony. By the way, these workshop are totally free of charge and done as a service to the community…if you wish to donate, you may do so, but the workshop IS FREE.
There are existing workshops and classes in all heimishe areas, i have no idea what this writer is aiming at.
This article is GREAT!!!
However we all know the chances of this ever getting into Williamsburg… It will be publicaly banned by all RA____
We need to respond to the challenges facing young couples, and we have been doing so for three thousand years. why change all of a sudden.
Most Chosonim and Kallas do go to special classes, whats wrong with this kind of education, why change the system all of a sudden? why not include the effective communication skills and relationship-building tools that can enhance the feelings of love and camaraderie needed for a successful marriage with the Choson and Kallah classes.
In some rare occasion when you notice funny behavior during the engagement period , its understandable to have some extra pre Maritial classes.
*The most important point to teach is something that the parents should have taught their child since they where born, and thats “MIDOS TOVOS,” when one is nice to their spouse MOST problems are dissolved in no time, and most problems dont develope in the first place.
I fully agree with this but i also think couples should go to sessions after marriage even when there are no problems. It will be so much easier for them to clarify things.
Big Masmid…..this is NOT change….obviously, the teachings we’ve had until now are not enough. The shalom workshop is IN ADDITION to what we already have!
Why is the husband walking ahead of his wife, in the picture? Part of a good, respecting relationship, is to walk side by side.
while money dose not buy happyness. not having money certinly dose not buy happyness. the problame with yeshivas today is in order to find a good shidduch you have to sit there till you get married. because if you go to collage at night to plan for your future you will not find a good shidduch.
Does anybody know if there are workshops set up to help boys and girls in the dating process? (ie teaching boys and girls how to speak to other ,look at each other bekovid and what to expect on dates)If so please provide information about such programs.
AS A single bochur learning in yeshiva I find that Yeshivas are not doing enough to educate the boys as to what type of kallah o look for.
this argument will never end. those who believe in boys sitting and learning will say so until they are blue in the face. the fact remains that soon enough, harldy anyone will be able to support. jobs are becoming scarce enough as it is and that is for educated people. those who are supporting kids have seen their savings depleted by the market crash. yet we still have people who say that every boy should sit and learn, even going so far as calling working boys “second class citizens”. To me, a boy that works and sets aside time to learn is far more a first class citizen than the 1000’s of fakers warming benches in lakewood and in israel. Spare me your ridiculous denials. we all know its true. then there are those who always answer that the secular divorce rate is higher. who cares?? Our divorce rate is soaring. Education is very important. These young people getting married have zero social skills. ZERO. Its 4 dates and mazel tov. Because the seminary teachers said they will go to gan eden if they have a kollel husband. How do they know? were they there?
This sounds like a wonderful plan. The thing is; while this workshop is targeting the new generation, there are no workshops for people that may have started out on the wrong foot, and continue down their path, with heart-wrenching results.
Question is who are those teachers?
Are they married happily so they can teach about it, or are they unhappily married people who are talking of their own experiences?
Actually this should start not when they are already engaged or even before they are of shiduchim age. Teaching of midos etc should start when they are small children. Teach them how not to step on someone elses toes. How not to hurt the feelings of others. How to not be an “achshen”. How not to always have it your own way.
If this will happen we won’t ever need these classes.
Besides, this won’t be acceptable in the heimishe community for chusen and kallah to go together to such courses when hardly meeting at the marriage license office is acceptable.
The ones that need this workshop bacause they talk alot during the engagement should go and take the curse because if not it can ch”v end with a devorce. But the chasidim because they do not talk till the wedding, they use the first year telling each other there lifetime stories till they get the first baby then they are busy and happy with the new arrivel. They have no problem and don’t need it. Burech hashem in the chasidishe circles there is alot less devorces then in the non chasidish lifestyle. So chasidshe neighborhoods like willi is off the hook.
#3 keep sticking your head in the sand and ALL your problems will go away!!!!!!! What you’re saying is “our kids don’t an education”. I bet your marriage could use some lessons, if this is what you think how a marriage should run. Poor wife!
Jonathan M. Lasson Psy.D. in Baltimore has a program with same type of goals in mind.
it is well done and very helpful for those soon to be married.
#27 … seriously who do you think you are?
The amount of Gayvah you put into your posts is awe inspiring. B”H our Gedolim (who have the RIGHT to talk like you do) have the middos and seichel not to.
You’re the one who needs to do Teshuva for your horrendous attitude.
Courses like this address several areas. Basic MIDOS TOVOS is only one facet that is essential for a successful marriage. In most cases, boys and girls have little understanding of the opposite gender before marriage. Oh, maybe the girl has brothers and the boy has sisters, but the capacity to truly understand them and communicate with them effectively is limited. One cannot converse with the opposite gender without some guidance on how to manage the challenge. Some figure out things on their own because they have been imbued with appropriate midos and sensitivity to others. But this is not part of the curriculum in any of the yeshivos or girls’ schools. There are also scarcely few role models – our gedolim and leaders do not have their homes open to young bochurim or bachuros to observe their interactions with their rebbetzins.
Working in the field of counseling to couples, I have watched such poor training and preparation rob a young couple of the companionship and shleimus they need and expect. It is not the kollel or seminary. It is the skills that each bring to the home.
There has been much discussion in the past about ways to train kallah teachers to better prepare the girls for marriage. Too little attention has been given to chosson teachers. There are some truly spectacular ones, but they remain precious exceptions. I know. I get calls and consultations from those whom they have failed. I hear that some of these teachers have become the counselors for the marital difficulties that follow. That makes me cringe. I also hear of some really bad and dangerous advice that some of these untrained people are giving.
I am glad that there is something reputable and effective available that can help provide adequate preparation for the venture that will be the most important one that one takes in his/her entire life.
I don’t understand these classes – Is it to replace the parental responsibility to teach children these things as they grow older towards marriage? If it is I really don’t think it will help that much. Children are molded for 18-20-22 years, that won’t break in a few classes.
# 20 23 30 let me try explaining, when one is engaged there are many new tasks to for fill, Chazal tell us all beginnings are difficult, being engaged includes, huge amount of wedding plans, finding an apartment, painting-carpeting-fixing-wedding invitations, flowers, pictures, (NO video Chas Vesholom) gifts, loads and loads of shopping-clothing-housewares-furniture-appliances-light fixtures, shoes, Seforim, Silver store items, birthday gift, some Streimel, some Wigs, some Spitzel, jewelery, Diamonds so on and on.
Now do you know that for many Chosanim and Kllas find it to be a very big strain to go to learn the Halocos, but they have no choice in the matter, why burden them to take additional class? incorporate all of the above in one place.
BTW any good Chosson or Kallah teacher wont just teach the plain dry Halochos,Haskofos and basic advice is usually included, I have been around the block, and there are the professionals and the beginners like in any other field.
Very soon Moshiach will be teaching us everything we have to know.
If the boys and girls would learn mussar – is Yeshivas and Girls schools – this would be much less of an issue.
Rabbossai,
everyone seems to be missing 1 thing: While chsson/kallah classes teach the halachic element of intimacy, they often neglect the hashkafic element. It is NEVER OK for a husband to neglect his wife it this area. It is NEVER OK for a wife to refuse to go to the mikva (R”L), or use it as a bargaining tool.
we shouldn’t be encouraging people to get married so young. They are not mature enough to get married yet. the best prep for marriage is maturity. Yitzchok avinu only got married when he was 40.
I was always wondering, are we giving our children the right meaning of marriage? R we brought up our self’s in the chasiddisher community what marriage is al about? I think that we are thought that marriage is basically getting along ,being nice to each other , and bringing up and being M”chanich our kinderlich. Is this not wrong? Is marriage supposed to be falling in love?
If it’s not broken don’t fix it!!
to 51 education isn’t the problem its what they are taught
The rebbi zichiso yugen oilini did not approve of this..This is not unzer derech. My us in Belz you call a wife ” A HOUSE ” you dont call her by her real name because ” Es past nisht” what ever that means. Working? Man dechar shemie. You take from Mechel and you give to rechel. Eating? cholent ,over night kugel . by the time you reach 50 Your an old man with high blood pressure and ready to die. Bottom line THIS SYSTEM IS BANKRUPT . I wish there would be a rosh yeshiva or rebbi that really cares for the community and send the boys to work and demand the people to exersize daily like the Rambam says .How about a Mandat that everyone should drive a bike instead of a car.You would aslo save money by not having to own a car.. Yasher koach
Hey great looking hall where is that Boro Park, Williamsburg????
If all the learning boys marry the rich, who will support their children?????? Us working boys???
Wow, 59 posts and no one mentioned it. It should be mandatory for both guys and girls to read MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS.
Further, shouldn’t children be learning the content of these “classes” at home, from their parents? This assumes that they learn what works if their parents have a good relationship, and learn what not to do if their parents are the opposite.
#3- I hope you are joking.
#5 is on the money
#18, there is some truth to what you say, but it needs to be qualified.
What terrible analogies!
Marriage is a “profession”??!
Maybe for certain actresses, who marry old wealthy oil tycoons to inherit their money.
Great article, however I don’t find the answer for the following question the author asks “A person spends around 12 years in school preparing to enter college, which takes four years to complete. Yet, how many years do people train to get married, which is supposed to last a lifetime?
Yes, you mention a new program that was recently .. yara yara.. still not the answer to your question.
pleae allow me to put in my 2 cents. There is no way you can teach anyone in couple lessons how to spend the next 50-70 years growing a family, I say “THE LESSON MUST BEGIN THE DAY THE CHILD IS BORN, WHAT THEY SEE, WHAT THEY ARE USED TO, THAT’S HOW THEY WILL BEHAVE” that’s 20-30 years of physical 1 on 1 class lecturing and it MIGHT work (if everyone’s lucky). if you send your children to classes, Yes, you trained him right, NOW YOU TRAINED THE SEND THEIR KID FOR LESSONS. but how to make life comfortable and successful they had to see it live for years observing their parents SHOLOM BAYIS.
Lots of yiddish nachas
A good marriage comes with sacrificing for each other. Unconditional love. Friendship, Content with what you do not have. I could go on but I will not bore you.
That is why the divorce rate was lower years ago in our community.
The divorce rate by the orthodox Jews is between 10-20 percent
By the non Jewish its about 70-80 percent
We don’t need an education where doing just fine thank you very much
Take your education and shove it
I totally disagree. marriage is not the hardest profession. RAISING CHOLDREN is. No training, no chasan classes, no kalah classes. just get preganat and havethem. no license – like marriage. no schooling. just be a parent.
To Pincas. You are sooooooo wrong. Training for raising children begins the day you are born. Learning from ones parents. Let us not forget. Zechus Avos and Siyata Dishmaya.
it’s easy to show, in this partnership, that you give money, but harder to show that you deserve the money and are not shmoozing or taking coffee breaks. on the whole, learning is not the same it used to be.
I will agree not agree that there are more men being abused by women, as that’s completely incorrect, but i will say that yes there are some cruel women out there and it’s their sons that end up this way and end up abusing their wives.
So let me make following ridiculous suggestion. If you watch your parents and there happily married despite certain disagreements, and they speak to each other respectfully. (Like the israeli husband that says his wife always calling a shmattah. Shmattah? Shmattah?) They help each other with household chores and raising the kids and you feel you’re a relatively happy well adjusted kid, why not emulate them? DUH! The 20 years observation of ones frum parents should put any 3 hour “relationship course” to shame.