Brooklyn, NY – How the frum community should react when some of our most scandalous problem comes to light
Subscribe to our Daily Roundup Email
Tonight a major media report by CBS TV on Orthodox-community impropriety of the most sordid sort has our entire world talking.
For this reason alone, VIN News cannot simply ignore it; we must say something.
But it is the subject of the report that had our editorial board cogitating late into the night: How indeed are we to react to this?
If we say nothing at all, we merely keep our heads in the sand. The facts are out there, and to say nothing is to be complicit in charges of denial.
But if we say the wrong thing, we risk raising the righteous and justified wrath of our readers and spiritual brethren.
VIN News tried to contact at least one frum authority on the subject of relationships and is working on getting a guest editorial from several others. But in the meantime, we are convinced of one thing: This problem is a symptom—and to truly address the symptom, one must address the cause.
In other words, the outside world in general, and the Internet in particular, are not the problem—just like 75 years ago, when the equivalent of these things happened, the problem was not the automobile or the telephone which facilitated these things.
VIN News will address the root causes in the near future, whether they are lack of personal identification with one’s birth frum community and its beliefs and values, abuse and/or resentment of an endless variety of forms, unhappiness—or any combination of the above. [perhaps in the mean time to read an article posted by VIN News on the issue of marriage]
But in the meantime, VIN News fears an avalanche-like, wild and hysterical emotional reaction on the part of frum leaders and grassroots alike. We therefore urge calm level-headedness and acceptance of the fact that historically, tragically, this is really nothing all too new at all.
Secondly, VIN News calls for an organized, rational community-wide response by our finest mental-health minds. While this is not the first media report of its type and may not be the last, it certainly is one of the biggest, most extensive and most impactful—and therefore, hopefully, may very well be frum-community denial’s last hurrah.
As Rabbi Moshe Tendler, a professor at Yeshiva University, told CBS 2 HD in a response to their report while the isolation in Hasidic life actually works to preserve traditions, there is a downside.
“You can’t put up a wall. You can put up a wall for one generation, two generations. But the wall is always breached. It is not a permanent solution to anything. Education is a permanent solution,” Tendler said.
His advice, “Take the best of the outside world and spit out what is unfit.”
Due to the highly sensitive nature of the subject, if you’d like to comment, VIN News most respectfully requests of our readers to please respond thoughtfully, respectfully and with due deliberation. Inflammatory and/or inappropriate comments will not be published.
Gun to my head, I could be a witness how true and how right they are…
Wile I think all what they said is true. I’m sure it’s the same all over, seiks, hidu, Muslim, etc. why did this even hit the news. Is CBS2 running out of stories?
its again the same pepole -they have a problem with thre merige so yhey go to the media – to make us all the look bed
This is same old recycled propoganda story that is aired or published from time to time. The best way to deal with it is to ignore it and let it pass.
Thats not to say their community has no problems. ALL communities have their own issues.
Last week thier was a poll in the news ny post etc. that 60 – 70 % of men say they had an affair so i’m still proud to be a cussid even if we have 5% bad appels becuse i can assure you this problem is maybe by 5% of merriges in willy anyways
How beautiful! Yossi is ok with his kids remaining in the ultra orthodox community.
Isn’t that ironic!
A poshiter yiddene!
SE’YUG LECHUCHMU….SHTIKA!!
Dog bites man is no news; man bites dog is news – that’s why it’s so newsworthy. Nevertheless, this is unfortunately a very real problem that we in the frum world have to tackle with absolute seriousness. Unless we face up to this growing problem, we will certainly be faced with an explosion of similar shocking stories. Hashem Yerachem.
no one understands the people who go of the way they were raised until they are in there shoes. no one should judge them. for cbs to do this story is pathetic. they could of as much done a story on the arabs and muslims who are also very strict in there religion. i just wish everyone will watch what they writes as to make sure this post wont turn into a big chillul hashem since not only jews read this site. one note if i can: can people please spell check before writing . i am sometimes so embarrased by the spelling mistakes people make its pathetic.
Why don’t they do a story on how 95 % or more of the hasidic community do have a happy family life in contrast to the secular “open” world who are supposed to be the happy ones around.
70% commit adultry in their liftime .
murders and crime .
married and divorced , married and divorced ,married and divorced and are never happy .
I’m not saying that our community is problem free but just because two unhappy neshomos which by the way are still not happy went to get some attention from the media which loves such stories doesn’t mean we should downplay and bashmutz our beautiful community.
don’t be ashamed of being a yid with traditions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vos iz neias: why do u need to to pull our eyes in that direction?!
do you take it on your shoulders that because you brought this news to our attention, that some yiden might get “ungeshtekt” with “feigelech” in kop?!
think about it!
In all fairness, the reporters went out of thier way several times to point out that the vast majority of chassidim are pious and loyal spouses.
its a fact it happens. what Chanel 2 has to do is bring these such stories out to gain an audience. i personally set my timer and taped it and was unimpressed, i thought it would be better more factual! what they said about us they could have said about ANY religion. i am not mareid and i would love to get something!!
VIN -I have to say Im really impressed that youre addressing these issues .Unlike other frum news outlets(Yated,Hamodia). Youve made me think all is not lost with our community…………
R.B. You are living your life. Please let us live ours. Nobody has been looking your way, so you bring yourself into the limelight by going public. Nobody cares about your issues. Have your life the way you want it. But Please, ‘STOP BLAMING’. Time to move on. Live and let live.
I don’t think its pathetic for cbs to do a story on this. It’s a human interest story. I find it very interesting, and I’m part of the community. To goyim or outsiders who wonder what goes on in such a different, closed community this is very interesting. CBS is just doing what they do best- writing interesting stories that ppl. want to read. don’t be mad at them.
Yossi’s english is remarkably accent-free for someone who was supposedly raised Hassiddic. It sure sounds that English (and not Yiddish) was his first language — and a midwestern English at that.
As for the special report, I’m surprised to know that two individuals constitute a trend.
Al tudin es chavarcha ad shtagia limkomo
Here we go with rabbi tendler again starting up with the heimishe community thats old news as far as vin don’t get so carry’d away with this article you make it sound like you have bring down the heavens for what ??? For some board journalist that didnt have what to write for a while as far as the truth yes 100% true but don’t forget that most people are happy & lead productive lives & bring up beautiful family’s unlike the secular world that cheating & changing marriges like I change my socks
I think that there is no need to make a big deal out of a non-issue. The reporter did not find these things out on his own, but rather was fed garbage by someone that went off the derech and wants to malign us. In fact, I think that the girl is the same one that was in the New York magazine a while ago. There is no need to fall into the trap set up for us. Just move on.
Its always great to see Tendler throwing stones from his haughty perch in his glass house.
Can u please say what the report was about? I dont watch television & I know nothing about it! You really spiked my curiousity!!
Maybe the problem is us, not CBS.
We need to stop giving them things to report.
This just shows how important it is to education children to the outside world. Stop building walls and instead strengthen the foundation for children.
I am a kollel guy and although i don’t know to which extent this actually exists what i do know is that this problem is there in potential.Of the conversations i had with so many friends who don’t have internet access and they tell a story so similar to that of Yossi’s and leah’s tells me that we could be having many more of these stories in the future heaven forbid.The way we handle shiduchim is definitely part of the problem even if we were to agree that the chasidish way is correct.How many people do we know that make their childrens shiduchim to benefit themselves more than their kids?! for honor,for money and so forth.Our tradition never had it to force our kids into unhappy marriages that benefit ourselves! Another factor is sadly some of the leaders who we follow,how can our children be happy with the spouses they get when they know that the rebbe or roshyeshiva is looking for his son the most beautiful girl and from the richest family?! Perhaps if they would set the guidelines of qualities to look for in a spouse our children would be happy with what we found them!And all the above goes with saying that we are causing our own problems to a certain degree,if our daughters go out in the streets dressed the way we are sadly getting accustomed to how is possible for yungeleit to stay happy with their wives?! This article hits us full force and is a bleeding cry to wake up and be aware of our wrong actions and attitutes that are taking their toll on the community with interest. May Hashem have mercy and give up another chance…
Oi Shoin Veiter with Tendler!!! wasn’t Metzitza B’Pah enough to fight Yiddishkeit???
& regarding this issue: there are DROP-OUTS in every community!!! B”H we don’t have a lot of them! it was always bad apples & it’ll always be!!!
we have to pray to G-D for a good future & Nachas of our Kinderlach.
Look, I personally know many chasidic people who cheat on their wives, although not with other chasidim, but it’s cheating nevertheless. Some do it becuase they’re not satisfied at home, some because they can and simply won’t bother to resist, some because they need it more than others. The point is, there will always be people who do this sort of thing and I don’t think there’s a damn thing you can do about this. Based on our tradition, there IS no other way but for arranged marriages. And what if it wasn’t arranged, do you seriouslly think people would be that much happier? How much can you really know about a person by “formally” meeting with them I don’t care how many times? Yes, arranged marriage has a big downside becuase you pair two people who more than often have zero in common, and are not atracted to each other, but really, what is the solution? I don’t think there is a realistic one. Rabbi Tendler can say what he wants, do you want to tell me that non-chasidic don’t do this sort of stuff? Of course they do! This happens everywhere there are humans. As far as I’m concerned, all this report shows is that yes, we are humans, too, and some of us have temptations and choose not to resist. No biggie.
There are many ultra orthodox/ and chasidish men women and children who fantisize about what the outside secular world has to offer from which they’ve been sheltered from – Thank G-d! I’ve never left my orthodox life but I did have a chance to get very close to the secular world during a period of my life where I was working as an actress for television. I will tell you all – IT IS A WORLD OF LIES, FILTH, IMMORALALITY AND SADNESS. ALL THOSE GLITZY, FAMOUS, JEWELED HOLLYWOOD MILLIONAIRES ARE THE BIGGEST LIE EVER. THEY ARE ACTUALLY MISERABLE, DEPRESSED ALCHOHOLICS AND SUICIDAL. i’VE MET MANY OF THEM AND I WAS NOT IMPRESSED WITH EVEN ONE. IF YOU ARE CHASIDIC/ ORTHODOX THANK HASHEM EVERY DAY THAT YOU WERE FORTUNATE TO BE BORN OR BROUGHT UP AS A PRACTICING JEW. ASK HASHEM TO HELP YOU THROUGH DIFFICULT TIMES OR PAINFUL CHALLANGES IN YOUR LIFE. GOING OUT TO THE SECULAR WORLD WILL NEVER BRING YOU TRUE HAPPINES. REACHING OUT TO HELP OTHERS DURING YOUR OWN PAINFUL EXPERIENCES CAN ACTULALLY HELP YOU GET THROUGH YOUR OWN ISSUES. WHEN A TEENAGER OR GROWNUP MAKES A DECISION TO LEAVE HIS TORAH VALUES TO GET EVEN WITH
G-D, IT’S ALMOST AS IF A LITTLE CHILD THROWS A LITTLE PLUSH TOY AT HIS MOMMY OR TATTY AND SAYS ” I’M POTCHING YOU!” HASHEM IS SO SO SO SO SO BIG THAT HE IS ABLE TO CARRY THE PAIN AND THE PROBLEMS OF THE BILLIONS AND BILLIONS OF ALL PEOOPLE IN THE WORLD. IF ONLY WE TURN TO HASHEM AND ASK HIM IF WE COULD CRY ON HIS SHOULDER AND ASK HIM TO CARRY US EVEN THOUGH WE ARE CRYING FROM HIS PUNISHMENTS AND SCOLDINGS. JUST HOLD UP YOUR HANDS AND CRY, HASHEM, I DON’T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO HELP ME. I ONLY WANT MY TATTY/MOMMY – OF COURSE MEANING HASHEM! IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO FIX THINGS. DO YOU REALLY THNK THAT YOUR AVAIRA ( SIN ) IS TOO BIG FOR HASHEM? YOU COULD HAVE DONE THE WORST AVAIRA IN THE WORLD BUT OUR WONDERFUL KING OF KINGS IS WAITING PATIENTLY FOR US TO COME TO COME BACK TO HIM. WHY DO SO MANY SINNERS COME BACK TO HASHEM? BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW HOW THE TORAH SAYS THAT THE JEWS THAT HASHEM LOVES DEARLY ARE THE ONES WHO MADE A MISTAKE AND THEN CAME BACK. THEY ARE CONSIDERED OUR GREATEST TZADIKIM. DON’T BE AFRAID- MEN WOMEN, TEENAGERS, PLEASE COME HOME!!!!!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!!! REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!! BEYIDIDUS, JUST A REGULAR MOTHER IN THE JEWISH NATION. P.S. IF YOU COME BACK TO TORAH AND THEN, BECAUSE OF YOUR ACTIONS, SOMEONE ELSE FOLLOWS Y OUR PATH AS WELL, YOU CAN NOT IMAGINE YOUR LEVEL OF GREATNESS IN THE EYES OF HASHEM. SEE YOU IN YERUSHALAYIM AT THE GEULAH- VERY SOON IY”H.
i think alot of this should wake us up, and see our problems not stay blindfolded. we gota do somthing. most people will blame the rabbonem, the society, the structure. listen guy’s, you are a man for your self, you are sopoosed to put your roots better, when it comes to chiniuch and ysodos and shitos. if you dont know there are smart people that could help, our frum comunity has lot of organizations and psycholigists that could put you on track. dont live in denial.
Please don’t attack me I have no interest in defending what is pure truth.
As far as CBS and others of their ilk are concerned, food for thought: At any given time, there are tens of thousands of aircraft flying. Rarely does one crash. You only hear of the latter. Result? People are afraid of flying. Also, all the rules of piloting and air traffic control center on the obvious: don’t be one of the rare cases that make the news. The same is true of Orthodox Judaism. Not much elaboration neccessary here.
For the rest of us: The giants of our past, may they rest in peace, NEVER would have dreamt that, although well intended, frumkeit would have evolved into something that so many disaffected youngsters view as the problem instead of the solution. Not all, but so much of what my generation was taught amounted to restrictiveness, pressure, docility, guilt and shame.
It’s logical that when children learn by example that our lifestyle is one of joy and serenity, they would never consider the alternative. Mitzva Gedola li’hiyos besimcha tomid. Why because absent simcha, Torah just doesn’t sell. A life of tum’ah and ta’avah appears like a veritable eden to our sad, depressed and bored youth.
How does our Shabbos table look? In what tone of voice do we talk to our kids about yeshiva/cheider/learning/rebbe/morah? How do we teach our children to daven and how do we react if they aren’t doing so the way we’d like them to? How do we present tznius: “wear that and I’ll kill you!” or “a special package comes in a special wrapper”? Don’t like the second option? Don’t cry when she becomes a shanda once she’s no longer scared of you.
Speaking of shandas (only as a few of us call them); the most effective way to drive a girl into a boyfriends arms is to deny her affection and happiness at home. Its a no-brainer, wouldn’t you say? I won’t say much more about the matter in the spirit of good taste, other than that its too easy for predators to sniff out an easy mark. Why? Because no matter how modest her clothes are, they cannot conceal her obvious misery.
NEWSFLASH: your sheltered child knows more about male-female realities than you did at his/her age. NOW DEAL WITH IT. But by all means, throw that stoopud TV out of your home.
What about the successful marriages you se me and my friends only dated girls like leah back in the day most of my friends who married girls like that are single today and empty I think the successful ones which is by far a higher percentage live more meaningfull lives
Let just put things in perspective .
If you go back even hundreds of years age there were always a few bad apples doing what they’re not supposed to(look in all the tesheeva seforim what type of shalos there are)maybe the problem is little more wide spread today because of the internet and the enviorment we live in but overall i think our way of life has succeeded by far more than any other the only difference is that today there’s a thing called the drive by media and they pick and choose whatshould be reported so don’t panic the world is not ending because of two lowlifes made headlines.
Be proud we have nothing to be ashamed of.
I’ll bet you anything and everything try the other way around the openminded free world you’ll never be satisfied there’s a reason we yiden have highest success rate in every aspect of life for the past 3000 plus years. We never did and never will give up our way of life even if it means giving up our lives!! And cbs we’ll surely not change that
More likely extra-marrital affairs are likely to be with someone outside the community or even with a non-Jew, from experiences I encountered with colleagues. Chizuk of our beautiful family values is the most powerful educational tool!
the whole story is bouges!!!!!!! Y don’t they have a Yossi who is still in the community?????? they only quote a yossi a DropOut a Bum!!!!!! who in any case does what he wants !!!! don’t get onfused
F A C T !!!!!!
in ONE and ONLY community with the least Devorses in the Chasidic community
Please complain to CBSTV ITS A CHUTZPAH THAT THEY HAVE TO AIR THIS.
The amount of frum yidden involved in this depraved behavior is so small. Why do they have to air this. http://wcbstv.com/contact
in every community there are those that just don’t fit in to the mold or those that are not able to stick to the standards…. each to his own… they’re entitled…..let them leave and find a place where they do feel comfortable… there is no reason for them to be miserable…. but let them do it either prior to marriage or if they are stuck in an unhappy marriage there is the option of divorce. there is no reason to commit adultery.
as far as running to the secular world to report their unhappiness and need for change…that’s just people trying to get their 15 minutes of fame… what they don’t realize is that aside from abandoning certain halachos.. they are also causing a tremendous chilul Hashem. they probably don’t realize that the tiny sliver of attention they might get is truly not worth the slander of an entire community. but i geuss thats between them and Hashem. May they (and all of us) do teshuva and serve him in their (our) own unique way.
as for the community on a whole i would suggest that cbs do a report on all the chessed and tzeddakah that the chassidic and frum communities do…. i don’t think any other community outside of the frum world has as many chessed organizations as we do.
and that’s what we all should focus on…
aside for some of the issues.. (which you will find anywhere) we truly have what to be proud of.
You write: “Let’s not judge them. Try to imagine the pain of being locked into a loveless never-ending awful relationship – it could drive anyone over the edge.”
That’s why the Torah gives the full right for a Jewish man or woman to divorce and find themselves a spouse to their liking. If they can do it legally, there’s no reason they should look for shmutz elsewhere and bring mamzerim into the world and go off the derech.
I think (if my opinion means anything) that fundamentally our system is effective that’s why most people are happily married. However, with all the challenges of this era it is vitally important to implement slight modifications in how we go about certain aspects of our lives. Including: stronger emphasis on aquiring a solid english language, better and more thorough education of marriage and all aspects involved, lastly, implement a rule that there should be a minimum of six dates between boy and girl before “they” decide if they are made for each other. Most important thing to remember is that “a shidduch is bashert”!
We’ve got swingers! Ta-Da! Who would have thought? Actually the more erudite readers of VinNews would be aware there is no shortage of exotic stories detailed in various responsa. Though many of them are so “rich” as to be beyond the imagination of Hollywood’s ablest writers, there is only the halachic discussion – one almost never sees the moaning and yelping about how did it happen, or what went wrong with the education system. Even if the best minds of the last five thousand years should join together and form the perfect Utopian society, human nature will still not fail to lay their plans to waste. This story is simply about human nature doing it’s thing, or as the saying goes “move along folks, nothing to see here.”
What was interesting was Rabbi Tendler’s comments. I guess my opinion of him has moved up from 0 to 1. Our much-touted Shidduch modus operandi may be the pious way of getting hitched, but that does not mean it is the only legitimate way of going about it. Expecting everyone to go through the Shidduch system is sort of the same as demanding everyone donate the optimal fifth of their income to tzedokoh. It is the good and pious thing to do, but we can be more than happy if everyone gives “just” ma’aser, without having to label them as “chilled” or “modern” because they “only” followed halochoh instead of making sure to copy the chumros being done by everyone around them. In those cases where we in the frum world tried to practice “institutionalized Lifnim Mishuras HaDin” – i.e the Shidduch system and the Kolel system- pretty much all we accomplished was losing touch entirely with the very thing we were trying to accomplish. We need to be a touch more honest and relaxed, and tell our kids that its okay to ask out directly a girl who caught their interest for a date, so long as they are serious and not meeting for fun, though they can expect much better results with the shidduch system. We can be honest about the advantages of the Shidduch system without ramming it down anybody’s throat.
The same holds true about Kollel. If we really possessed that sense of honesty we claim to bear, we would be able to tell our young men and women about the greatness of a life dedicated to Torah, but without making them feel compelled to adopt it. I get the feeling that the people propagating this culture, have some inner doubts of what they preaching, and are therefore compelled to take the element of choice out of the picture.
Looking for greener pasture in forbidden territory will not make them happy for too long. At the end of the day they all regret it and would love to go back home. But then it’s too late. These people need psychiatric help for their temporary pleasure-seeking and stupidities.
NOT BEING A CHUSID…………….I ENVY THE SUPPORT AND CHESED OF CHASSIDIM………………………………….ALL THE PROBLEMS ARISE ONLY BECAUSE OF SOME LITTLE REEBELECH THAT USE THEIR RABONIS AS A PERSONAL MONEY MACHINE
A few points to consider (sorry for the length:
1) In NYC, what goes on in the Jewish community is fodder for the media. There are many Jews in the NYC metropolitan area. The frum world is of interest because, to many, it is odd/different.
2) We in the frum world hold ourselves to a higher standard. All of us, at times, fail to meet that standard but do t’shuva and keep on trying. However, some failures are newsworthy because they are large, continue over many years, and have impacts in other areas (for example the nursing home scandals of years ago, the Rubashkim mess now, etc.). Those types of incidents, of “religious” people failing in a big way is “a story” for the media. Frum Jews are not singled out (although, to us, it may seem so at times). People like stories that feature personal failures: Senators behaving immorally, Ministers having affairs, and, yes, Yidden behaving badly. Hypocrisy sells and the media knows that. Sure, some of it is antisemitism but most of it is “strange people” who are “religious” who are “hypocrites.”
3) In the past few years, there have been an increasing number of articles (paper, magazine, web) and books on Hasidim who have gone off the derech. Sociologists are now studying the phenomenon and are producing article for scholarly journals.
4) There is a world out there and it is impacting us. We have kids that “don’t fit in” but the community doesn’t accommodate them. We have kids abusing drugs and alcohol. We have adults in abusive marriages. We have adults molesting children. Is it 90%? Of course not. But it surely is not 0%.
5) The community does not like talking about or addressing these problems.
WARNING: no serious problem gets better by ignoring it!
The response has to be more than slay the messenger: “the media is evil,” “those people want to malign us,” “other people do it,” etc. Those are all denial responses (even if every response has a degree of truth: yes, the media can be evil, those that are off the derech may want to “take a shot,” and other people do do it.).
At the end of the day, there is truth in the story and that truth must be addressed.
1)the percentege of unhappy marriges in ths seculer world is much more, 2) if your lookink for help there are places you can get it
so don’t blame the chasidic lifstyle
Bottom line(s):
1- 2 people do not constitute a trend (especially when one is trying to get custody of her kids)
2- the tag line, that there is an organization which “helps” people adjust to the outside world (and a link to their website via the cbs website), should have raised people’s suspicions
3- so Rabbi T says that locking out the outside world has its downside….so does totally embracing it! There is a “shvil hazahav”!
I don’t think you should post the link to the story. If the tv channel sees that it gets a lot of hits, they’ll think people are interested in these kinds of stories on our community and they’ll want to do more stories!
I realy thing if VIN brings this on there news, there are the the same to blame for it, its should not be on the news that most are not intrest and mabey even if only 1% will follow there steps because of VIN they should be shamed
IF THE SECULAR WORLD ADMITTED THAT THE YOUTH IS MUCH LOWER AND MORE ROTTEN BECAUSE OF THE INTERNET, WHY CAN’T WE ADMIT TO IT?
Although it’s BH a very small percentahe of our youth that fall out, big part of it is the internet.
Sure not being faithful, sneaking around, lying, cheating, you think that is cool. You loose. You can never trust anyone who is a cheat. This has nothing to do with how restricted someone is when growing up. This has a reflection of your self esteem self worth. Of course G-d gave us a evil inclination. The evil inclination is cunning and enticing. But if you think of yourself as good enough, you will never cheat and then justify it. The outside world hates us with a passion. If someone does not like you they will always look for ways to put you down. I am aware that this issue is reality. But all of those that stray really do not feel content with their new way of life. A life of lies never made anyone happy. The world they came from allows for divorce. if they were so unhappy why not go that root. What we need in our community is Love. Unconditional Love. We need to express in all of our affairs. The way they are experimenting is not Love. Ahavas Yisrael. Love your fellow man.
I would suggest mothers talkin to their daughters and giving them their undying LOVE. Their children should know they can talk to their parents so that they don’t run to the outside world first. Love your kids attend to them–not their clothes ONLY. They need to know they can come to YOU with ALL their questions, whether it is in Emunah or in questions about Love and Marriage. Be there for them. Bake one cake less, buy one dress less, and hear and see what and who they are and how YOU as a parent can help them out. They need to feel an unconditional Love from their parents to feel safe in their environment.
I happen to be slightly involved in “kiruv keroivim”, I had the opportunity several times to bring back (at least in part) some troubled women out of their despair and distress.
As of my experience, the 2 most complicated cases were:
1) was a fine girl grew up in a warm fine home with loving parents, she just got “married” to the internet! even after she has done a good shiduch and married a super yungerman, she would still stay in the office 2-3 hrs ‘overtime’ to watch inappropriate material, it was a real addiction, it was eating sleeping and the internet. when things got so bad she was about to divorce (understandably, her husband literally had no wife..) some experts came into the picture to get to the root of the problem, at one point she just opened her heart to me and cried her breath out for nearly 2 hours, with such remorse and blame on herself how she allowed herself to get so carried away from this planet. now a few years later, after a lot of help was to her assistance, and they are a very happy couple.
2) was a young woman, 2 shiduchim were on the board when she had to make a decision, her father explained to her, that one of them M. was very good looking and handsome, but the people around him claim he has no manners, no middos and a bad attitude. on the other hand was J. also a cute boy, but not so tall and handsome as M. but with exceptional middos and very well mannered. she decided on M. she fell for his looks. right after the ‘honey moon’ ended, the storm started she suffered and didn’t talk about it.. she was ashamed to complain to her parents, because they advised her differently before doing the shidduch. instead she started glitching off the derech, and that was so complicated, she felt like a total flop, after a few years of leading a secular life as a “single mom” she became so miserable, and then she started coming back, she’s getting a tremendous amount of love of the people here, and she’s now settling nicely back in her old community.
I think those stories speak for themselves.