New York – Someone has ended his own life. Suicide. The talk of town, media attention, grief, shock, and disbelief. Statements we expect to hear include, “We never knew he/she was that depressed,” or “Was there anything we could have done to prevent it?”
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This is a topic that we are understandably afraid to discuss, and many of us may prefer to know less about it than we need to know. Since the subject is addressed in the Torah, as well as in professional literature, we could afford a brief review of the topic from several angles. It won’t make pleasant discussion at the Shabbos table, but it will hopefully offer some useful insights.
There is a history of suicide that is found in the Torah. In Tanach, we find four instances that were clearly suicide. These are Shimshon, Shaul Hamelech, Shaul Hamelech’s arms carrier, and Achitofel. The commentaries that discuss these events in Tanach include some who speak of these incidents being virtuous, others view it with negativity.
Halacha also addresses the subject. The Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh Deah 354:1) speaks about it in detail (Me’abed es atzmo loda’as). Aside from taking of one’s own life being considered murder, this death is exceptional in that it involves no aveilus – mourning, burial must be to the external perimeter of the cemetery, and there are differing opinions whether kaddish is recited, and if yes, whether for the full 12 months instead of the customary 11. There are many conflicting opinions about the applicability of these halachos. The prevailing practice is not to apply this entire set of halachos, and all deaths, even those we would consider suicide, are accepted in halacha to be accidental.
The common exception to the halacha of suicide is depression, and we assume that all such incidents are preceded by deeply depressed mood. This is based on the premise that this was committed when the individual was not in his right mind, and lacked the judgment to distinguish between right and wrong. He can not be held responsible for this act, and it cannot be considered me’abed es atzmo loda’as. While halacha delineates other exceptions and reasons why specific events would not be considered suicide, we will limit our discussion to depression.
There are many forms of depression. Sometimes people feel depressed for no clear reason. The feeling that one is helpless to face the challenges of life can lead to utter hopelessness. This despair can be summarized as the feeling that death is a better alternative than life. Often there is a deeper reason for this hopelessness. Many of suicides we hear about can be attributed to histories of abuse and torment. Some have depression that has fluctuation of mood as part of its pattern. Many have been unable to establish support systems among their social world, such as family, friends, and spouse.
Some of the suicides we hear and read about involve adolescents. There has been considerable research on “teen suicide”, and this is a list of those issues that are correlated with suicide among adolescents.
Factors that increase the risk of suicide among teens include:
• a psychological disorder, especially depression, bipolar disorder, and alcohol and drug use (in fact, approximately 95% of people who die by suicide have a psychological disorder at the time of death)
• feelings of distress, irritability, or agitation
• feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness that often accompany depression (a teen, for example, who experiences repeated shame and failures at school, who is overwhelmed by violence or discord at home, or who is isolated from peers is likely to experience such feelings)
• a previous suicide attempt
• a family history of depression or suicide (depressive illnesses may have a genetic component, so some teens may be predisposed to suffer major depression)
• physical or sexual abuse
• lack of a support network, poor relationships with parents or peers, and feelings of social isolation.
There are a few myths about suicide that are often repeated, but need to be dispelled.
1. People who talk about it don’t do it. That is simply not true most of the time. Most people who try to take their own lives have indicated to others that they are in severe emotional pain and despair.
2. Anyone who tries to kill himself has got to be crazy. Being depressed does NOT mean that the person is unable to think rationally or manage their daily affairs. About 90% of suicides are people who do not have psychotic disorder or thought disorders.
3. If someone wants to kill himself, nothing will stop him. That is rarely true. Most suicides are people who are crying for help, and that is usually how we know that he is considering this.
4. Talking about it may give someone the idea to do it. No one can plant the idea in someone else’s mind. Discussing it may be difficult, but will not cause anyone to try it.
There are many different means that people will use when they try to take their own lives. It is beyond the scope of this article to provide this information. Rather, it is important to take the discussion and thoughts about suicide seriously. Professional help must be sought immediately. Someone in that level of emotional pain and despair must have professional help. Psychiatrists as well as other mental health professionals should be consulted. When there is action occurring in which suicide is being threatened, and there are means to accomplish this, emergency services must be contacted without delay. Calling 911, Hatzoloh, or even police or the fire department can all be options.
The above article was written for VIN News by Dr. Benzion Twerski PhD. He Can be reached at his office at 718-437-4118.
A very interesting article, unfortunatly i suffered with anxiety which caused depression bh i had a husband who noticed it and was quicly taken to hospital. this sugject is so tabooed that noone will talk about it. please please husbands look out for it in your wifes specially after a baby – wives watch your husbands watch for signs its an illness that just takes over your life and there is so much help out there. DONT SUFFER ALONE – a person in a heavy state of depression does not know what they are doing – they are not crazy the mind plays with you. and i can understand that a person may feel they want to take there life without even realising. its a horrible thing but again DONT SUFFER talk to people there is tons of help out there.
Unfortunately, the frum community is not immune to this tragedy, R”L. It is important to know the signs and to take action to provide help to those who are crying out for it (and those who are not). This is hatzolas nefashos. Hashem Yerachem.
yet another problem the so-called chochomim of this dor refuse to acknowlege even exist and would rather ignore it all costs
a few points :
we hear more suicide stories because of vos iz naies & similar sites
factually the pysch meds are so much better than they were 20 -30 years ago
there are many good pyschiatrists , finding a good therapist is very difficult ,in fact most people contemplating suicide need real ” DBT” ( dialectical behavior therapy) the regular therapy stuff doesn’t work & yet there is almost no one frum or male that knows it well
the article should also mention BPD ( borderline personality disorder) which has one of the highest rates of suicide
in short: if youre thinking about suicide call a good friend & tell him to get you & take you to a manhatten pyschiatrist that give real dosages & give the meds a chance
( DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME WITH A THERAPIST BEFORE THE MEDS IN THESE SITUATIONS)
THINK OF A GAS RANGE first you spray a heavy cleanser than you let it sit & then you scrub!!
Kol haKavod VIN; this was truly the best response. I would like to add that while seeking therapeutic help is always the foremost advice in this situation, it is not always foolproof; there are cases of people who take their own lives while seeing therapists, and while on medication. I think it is worthwhile to add that a bigger-picture solution, is to work within our communities to increase awareness and offer more caring & chizuk to our friends, families, coworkers, students, etc. who may be going through difficulties. In other words, we have a big problem with bein adam l’chavero (just look at mudslinging on Jewish blogs) and no amount of psychotherapy and medication will fix that without each individual feeling achrayus for other Jews’ spiritual and emotional welfare.
I have a friend who is talking about suicide. What do I do as a friend, and who should be called/contacted. Are there any resources available for such a situation? Everyone says get them help, but where and how? Thanks VIN for posting this article
The world health organization’s guidelines for publicizing suicides are different .
From the WHO
Detailed descriptions of the method used and how the method was procured should be avoided. Research has shown that media coverage of suicide has a greater impact on the method of suicide adopted than the frequency of suicides. Certain locations – bridges, cliffs, tall buildings, railways, etc. – are traditionally associated with suicide and added publicity increases the risk that more people will use them.
Who is right?• Work closely with health authorities in presenting the facts.
• Refer to suicide as a died by suicide, not a successful one.
• Present only relevant data, on the inside pages.
• Highlight alternatives to suicide.
• Provide information on helplines and community resources.
• Publicize risk indicators and warning signs.
• Don’t publish photographs or suicide notes.
• Don’t report specific details of the method used.
• Don’t give simplistic reasons.
• Don’t glorify or sensationalize suicide.
• Don’t use religious or cultural stereotypes.
• Don’t apportion blame.
Here we go again with all modern chuchmas yevunis instead of admitting that the only therapy that helps is torah since toras hashem temmimah meshivas nufesh pekedai hashem yeshurim mesamchei lev all the rest is only temporary
very goos article
also iwant to pointv out that in the satmar newspaper der blatt they have an artcle every week about mental health
yiden chazak chazak
That by calling 911 or hatzalah you will be brought in to the hospital, because thats what they have to do legally.
Some people do find help with persons that do not hold professional degrees or training. This can happen with the proper sympathetic ear and appropriate empathy. However, when the stakes are as high as risk to someone’s life, these resources should only be seen as b’di’eved. The properly trained professionals are the best bet. Relief Resources has a track record of making thousands of referrals in the mental health field, and they are most reliable. When there is an emergency, one seeks emergency services, not referrals. For the non-emergency situation, Relief is about the most reliable organization around, and they have earned their universal respect by Rabbonim, mechanchim, and professionals.
As for contacting Rabbonim and mechanchim, I must add my words of caution. As great as they might be, they generally do not have the training to handle the acute threats, nor the skills to stabilize. I am reminded of the cartoon in which the drowning boy screams to Lassie, “Go get help!” In the next frame, we see Lassie lying on the psychiatrist’s couch. (Shown at Nefesh International Conference ’07)
This is more common in the frum community than is generally known. many of the people who attempt suicide are not generally mentally ill, they are going through situational depression. I have seen cases of failed marriages, loss of job, disgraced in business etc., triggering suicide. Lets not start more organisations and fundraisers, instead be there for people we know. Accept people for whom they are, don’t say bad things about them when they fail. In most cases if they really felt the caring of those around them they wouldn’t fall victim to this awful way of thinking. And thank you Dr twersky, and VIN for publishing this.
As a concerned citizen, I am very concerned with Rabbis & laypeople spewing advice without any training in mental health. Who are they to prescribe specific treatments or medications? Things would be much smoother if we left the professional work to the professionals and left the Rabbi’s to do their work.
I am sure that many people are well meaning, but everyone needs to know their place in the universe, and not overstep their bounds.
For example, the esteemed Mr. Glassman makes specific recommendations and declarations in his postings. Are you a trained mental health practitioner? certainly you are entitled to your own opinions, but please express it as such and don’t try to present yourself as otherwise.
Rabbi Twerski, Thank you for once again bringing a taboo subject out into daylight. Removing the veil of secrecy and shame is the first step. You will understand why I am posting anonymously. Unfortunately, I have first -hand knowledge of someone who committed suicide. The Rabbanim paskened exactly as you did – in the moment of taking one’s life r”l, the person cannot be considered of sound mind, so she received a levayah and kevurah k’das u’k’din.
I am not a therapist, but I know when to go to one. People, I’m sure you have the best intentions, but a severly depressed person MUST get professional help. The best advice a Rav can give is to tell the person to go to a therapist and even help get them there. I think the best course of treatment is therapy in conjunction with medication, which, of course, is also a “stigma.” Today there are numerous anti-depressants that can literally save a person’s life – UNDER A PROFESSIONAL’S CARE. If you have a friend or family member who shows signs of depression, please advise, take, go along, to a mental health professional. I am being very candid because of the urgency of this matter. The last time I spoke with the person who committed suicide, I said I had to rush, because it was getting close to Shabbos. I will never forgive myself. Feeling isolated is the biggest catalyst to ending one’s life. I could have talked another 15 minutes, at least.
# 14 & # 24- good points
I do not play therapist or doctor ,
Relief is a wonderful org. (rabbi babad ,sendy,shuki,judy are very dedicated & experienced)
i also did not say see a rabbi instead of a doctor
HOWEVER, i believe A rabbi or askan can be extremly helpful & its crucial that someone seeing a psychiatrist or therapist have someone on top of the situation ensuring that the therapist & doctor are getting a full picture, (many times the therapist & doctor rarely talk to each other) ensure the meds are being taken properly (& at the right dosages),job ,chavrusa,..
lastly , the doctors & therapists that work closely with rabbonim,rebbes,askanim,…
are held in high esteem, GET REFFERALS,& see way more nachas from their patients.
(YES WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES , & SO DO DOCTORS)
I can never forgive myself for what I almost did.
I am not an alcoholic or drug abuser and have no history of depression in my family.
I felt my world and self worth was at less than zero.
(There are always three sided to every story here is mine briefly )
The Rabbi Of The Shul that I Davened in publicly ostracized , shamed and humiliated me.
He went so far as to preach to his followers that I was a “Rasha” in the likes of Korach and Bilam. He and his entourage spread vicious rumors thought the community using verses and interpretations of Torah to enforce and create a lynch mob. I could not walk in the streets for months. My wife and children were terribly affected as well. I did not attend any Minyan for many months on end, I was so ashamed to be in any public venue.
All the while the men, woman and even children in the community I loved either rattled their bloody sabers or stood silent with indifference. I was in despair I had not slept in weeks I had panic attacks and I could hardly work. When I was at work I could not concentrate, when I was home I mentally was not there for my family.
One Erev Shabbos as I was driving home. I saw one of my tormentors in his car approaching in the opposite direction he looked at me and flashed me a look of malevolence and evil. I felt the chills go up my spine. I then went to the local Drug / Convenience store to get a few items for the home and that Rabbi was there we saw each other. The Rabbi laughed at me with sinister malice. I proceeded to purchase several packages of sleeping pills and a bottle coke. Now two hours before Shabbos. I drove to a serene waterfront location and began swallowing the pills slowly and methodically one at a time like candies . I looked into the water I saw my reflection and just wanted to let myself fall in. It was a very overcast cloudy day and out of nowhere the strong setting sun broke through the clouds and hit me in the face. I thought about my wife at home and my children, my parents siblings and relatives and what horror I would perpetrate on them, for a sane moment I had a thought of my Neshama and what will happen where will it go. I quickly force vomited most of the pills and I know it was only most of the pills because I slept for 14 hours that Friday night.
Out of nowhere just before candle lighting I received a call from an well respected Askin in the community asking me to go with him to a Shul to Daven Shabbos Morning. He insisted that he would pick me up and walk with me. He went on to assure me that more people than I realize think very little of the abhorrent behavior of the Rabbi, his followers and all that precipitated.
I decided to brush myself off and put on my best suit that Shabbos and went to Daven with a Minyan. I was greeted in Shul with smiles and handshakes, I did not know if I should be happy, cry or both.
It has gotten easier to walk the streets of my neighborhood and deal with the shame and torment.
Unfortunately I have flashbacks and still suffer from depression at times especially when children and teenagers walk by me looking at me like I am a tyrant something they must have picked up from their parents Loshon Horah or when one of that Rabbi’s gang perpetrates some mischief. B’H I have a person to call and vent and listen. Every day is a challenge and every day I thank Hashem Yisborach for sending me that Malach and Shlieach. I thank Hashem for the beauty of life and the will to fight and move on, if not for myself at least for my family. I will never be the same person, hopefully in the very near future I will be even better.
Depression is lonely, In these troubling economic times you might find yourself in an out of control spiral. Seek help, do not be ashamed you have more support and resources than you can ever imagine.
suicide is the cowards way out……Period!
following from what i wrote at number one which i wrote earlier and reading what many have written when i say seek advice most times when depression hits a person its due to hormonal imbalance with medical help this and cbt therapy this can be helped unfortunatly as it has such a stigma in our community (shidduchim etc) people dont seek that help and then its too late. Unfortunatly i agree we cant trust some people but with the help of Hashem we should find the right sheliach and i suggest the medical proffession first.
BS”D
The best solution is to go to a therapist like one of the Twerskis who is both rav and qualified therapist; there are others out there. Be careful of some of the frum therapists who seem to have cropped up lately as they are often unbalanced and untrained individuals themselves and they just want to manipulate others. Get referrals and check credentials.
Thankfully, Dr. Taub (psychiatrist) has been lecturing Hatzoloh about this very topic during the last few months.
Unfortunately, many drugs are the CAUSE of suicide. My family member showed me the warning label on his anti anxiety meds and “suicidal thoughts” was among the list of side effects which one needs to look for. By the time the thoughts have taken hold, the patient may not be able to reach out to a professional. Also, a good friend of mine, while under care of a well recommended psychiatrist and meds, committed suicide, R”L
Fact is 1 out of 4 people will require treatment for depression at some time in their lives.
The sun and excercise is the best vaccine and Rx for depression.
Hashem created the world so that man should till the land to derive his sustenance. For the first 5500 years or so people spent their lives doing physical chores daily in the daylight hours.
Unfortunately, the biggest side effect of modern conveniences is depression.
For those of you that feel free thinking that your family is clear of depression, here’s a thought:
Rabbi Dr Abraham J Twersksi says “There is NO family that is completely clean from depression or anxiety” In fact he once announced that at a seminar & Mr. Smarty Pants stood up to loudly disagree that his family is DEFINITELY clear & as Rabbi Twerski says “I’m standing there plotzing away since I recently treated his father for severe depression & due to confidentiality I couldn’t tell him!”
#40
What u r saying is akin to “Hospitals are the primary cause of death because most people die in hospitals.”
Yes these meds are labeled that way, because the very nature of the therapy of these meds is to balance the chemical deficiencies in the brain. Until the correct balance is found and until the brain gets accustomed to the correction a patient will feel heightened symptoms of anxiety and depression, possibly to the extent of entertaining suicide.
I admit I once thought just like all of you who think that depression and suicide is a lack of emunah and bitachon……………..until it hit home……….
One must be extremely careful when deciding whom they should see. Most so called “mental health professionals” are people that have never actually treated anyone with suicidal ideations (ie emergency rooms etc). Please be wary of “askanim” who may be very well intenioned, but….
I have been living with my husband who has been suffering in and out of depression for the past few years. What i realized in my case is that depression is a condition and when suffering from it the person is totally not in control. But when your out of it there is definitly life changes that you can make to prevent another onset of it. eating right , excersize, therapy,and yes I will say it stregnthing oneself in emunah and betochen. contantly talking to yourself that altimitly hashem is in control of our lives. And he does whats best for us even though its hard for us to see it sometimes
# 36 I attended the BP Hatzoloh lecture on suicide. I think the community should pressure him to give an “open to all” lecture and educate the overall community.