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Sullivan County, NY - It's steamy. So hot the highway is doing that mirage thing. And there you sit, in your car, stuck in traffic with a full bladder, a sunburn and a case of road rage rising in your throat.

Whatever happened to the leisurely Sunday drive?

It's a nightmare out there, and you don't need us to tell you that.

So this is not a story about magical detours or top-secret shortcuts. It's a story about salvaging sanity on weekend road trips, about not losing your marbles on the way to the shore, the cabin or that dang wedding reception.

You can do it. We can help. Here are your keys to surviving the big ride home.

Bridge busters

Unfortunately, we live near this little toll-bound waterway called the Hudson River, so unless you travel by boat or hovercraft, you will inevitably have to cross a modern bottleneck known as a bridge. And you'll have to pay for it.

The Newburgh-Beacon, the Mid-Hudson, the George Washington - these bridges are magnets for travel melees.

On Sunday evenings, when everyone is returning from weekend getaways, waiting in lines at the toll booths can bring grown men to tears.

But there's one smart idea.

"People can help themselves greatly with an E-ZPass," says Mark Sheedy, director of planning and public relations at the New York Bridge Authority. Sheedy says E-ZPass lanes can process transactions 10 times faster than cash lanes.

Last Sunday night, Toll Manager Mark Morjese was at the Newburgh-Beacon bridge during a hellacious back-up. "The E-ZPass lanes had no one in them," he says.

If you're anti-E-Z, Morjese recommends avoiding the bridge on Sunday nights. "People are coming back from vacation," he says, "and that's the main artery."

Attractive alternates

Nine times out of 10, the highways are your best bet for fast, efficient travel.

But when accidents snarl the main drag, it's nice to have a back-up. Here are a few alternate routes. These aren't necessarily shortcuts, but they're simple to follow and easy on the eyes.

Side Trip: Instead of state Route 17 west, get yourself to state Route 52. It's not a shortcut, but it is a gorgeous cruise through a canopy of green, and a decent way to head east or west if there's a big clog on Route 17.

The birds-eye views of the Rondout Valley (near Ellenville) are awesome from Route 52, and if the kids are fighting too much to enjoy it, pull over at a yard sale (they're everywhere) and buy them a toy to fuss over. Route 52 crosses State Route 209, which you can pick up from 17 in a variety of spots, most directly, Exit 113 in Wurtsboro, and again in Liberty. If you're on 52, Liberty is your last good chance to hook up with 17.

If you just want to avoid Route 17, try 17M south of Middletown or 17K north of Middletown. These jam up, too, but might buy you some freedom.

Instead of state Route 17 back to the city, try Interstate 84 south to Exit 1. Turn left into New Jersey, the place to save mucho dinero on gas. Head back into Port Jervis, then over to Pennsylvania. Pick up state Route 209 south and follow it through the scenic Delaware Water Gap all the way to East Stroudsburg, Pa. There you can catch Interstate 80 east to the Big Apple.

For even more variety, pick up state Route 206 south in Milford, Pa., and take it all the way to I-80 east and on to the city.

Instead of the New York State Thruway, try state Route 9 or 9W. The latter parallels the Thruway all the way to Albany, running through Kingston, Newburgh, and over Bear Mountain to West Point and beyond. Follow signs for the Palisades Parkway and you'll wind up in Manhattan by way of the George Washington Bridge.

You can bail earlier by getting off at the Thruway and following it south to the Tappan Zee Bridge. Again, it's no silver bullet, but the views on the Palisades are platinum.

Just plain tired of the Thruway? Try the Taconic State Parkway. It's pretty, and it's pretty quick. Running parallel to I-87, it stretches from Westchester north to Interstate 90.

To jump on the Taconic from our area, cross the Newburgh-Beacon bridge and head about 10 miles east on I-84. Once on the parkway, there are dozens of places to jump off. Use your atlas to find a side road that skips east into Connecticut or Massachusetts or west toward Hudson River towns.

If you're already on the other side of the river, you can follow Route 9 to I-84, then slip south on the Taconic or even Interstate 684.

Instead of taking the Taconic to Long Island, consider staying on I-84 east to I-684 south. It will lead you all the way into the east side of the Bronx, where you'll have two bridge options (the Throgs Neck or the Whitestone) to Long Island.

Emergency officials say the best thing you can do in a traffic jam is chill out. Blast the radio or listen to a book on tape. Eat Ring Dings. Whatever makes you happy.

The sooner you quit trying to beat the traffic, the better off the world will be. That means no driving on the shoulder, no incessant lane-switching and no U-turns across the median.

If bad behavior has got you hot under the hood, and the deep breathing isn't working, and your middle finger is jumping from your palm, try rolling the window up before you let it fly.

That's what delivery man Ernie Stafford does. Day in and day out, he drives a Mid-Hudson Vending truck through Goshen, Middletown, Newburgh - all the region's traffic bombs.

He sees a lot of interstate ignoramuses. But instead of his middle finger, he flips his pinkie because it's less noticeable. "I don't want to go to the next round and get too belligerent," he says.

If you see a traffic outlaw wreaking havoc on the streets, police say you don't have to put up with it. Go ahead and tattle!

"We encourage motorists to use cellular 911 to report aggressive and unsafe driving behaviors," says state police Sgt. Kern Swoboda. "You're not bothering us. That's our job. We're there to protect."

What the (*#)(@*?

You've got your shades, your MapQuest directions and your double-shot skinny mocha with whip. Casey Kasem is doing his long-distance dedication, and life is swell, when all of a sudden .

What the ??

For traffic updates on the road, call the Thruway at 1-800-Thruway, or tune in to one of the following AM stations:

Tappan Zee: 530 AM

Newburgh area: 1610 AM

Kingston area: 1610 AM

Also, WCBS 880 AM provides traffic updates every 10 minutes "on the eights." WINS 1010 AM does the same, "on the ones." Both report major problems in this region as well as the Metropolitan New York area.

It's nothing to nod your head to, but if you don't nod off, the advice is usually timely. And while you're on the AM dial, you can search for a Yankees game.

For you BlackBerry, wireless Internet, Palm Pilot junkies, there are traffic advisories, construction project details and live traffic cameras online. Check out the state Thruway Authority at www.thruway.state.ny.us or the state Transportation Federation (not to be confused with the Star Wars Trade Federation) at www.travelinfony.com.

Ready for inaction

On the open or closed road, it's best to follow the Boy Scout motto, "be prepared."

Brace for the worst by buckling up, locking doors and making all kids ages 4 and under sit in a child safety seat. No excuses!

To bring joy to the traffic jam, pack your favorite music, comfort foods, gum, bottled water - whatever makes you happy.

And when the going gets rough, make sure you're ready with a well-stocked emergency kit. Most department stores carry a wide range of reasonably priced kits ($20 to $70). Depending on the package, you'll rest assured knowing there's a flashlight, a poncho and a roll of duct tape at your fingertips.

The Emergency Preparedness Center sells customized "urban," "mountain" and "commuter" kits. Visit www.areyouprepared.com to shop online, or just copy the contents and build your own.

But all this preparation still leaves one big unanswered question. What if the emergency is nature calling?

It's a gray area for the boys in blue, so to get an official answer from the state police we had to call the captain of Troop F in Middletown.

According to the state penal (snicker) code, going to the bathroom on the side of the road would be exposure of a person. It's a violation that carries a maximum sentence of 15 days in jail or a $250 fine.

Even so, Capt. Michael Cahill said most officers and judges will look at the circumstances surrounding the incident.

"The law would be concerned if you were performing a lewd act," he says. "But if you discreetly get stuck and you run into the woods where no one can see you . even though it's not a nice thing to do, we all need to deal with the circumstances that we've been dealt at the time."

Which brings us back to the real issue at hand. It's summertime, and we all vacation here. The Empire Games launch Wednesday, so the traffic won't be clearing up anytime soon. Just keep your cool and play it safe - or vacation in your own back yard.

The real back ways

Caution!

The following routes are not for the faint of heart. These are the real back-road roundabouts. And while they might let you miss some of the muddle, they could get you lost.

Middletown to Monticello Instead of Route 17, go out Route 211 west until it meets with Route 209 in Cuddebackville. Take a right on Route 209 and then a quick left on Oakland Valley Road. Follow this winding road over the mountain, while keeping a sharp eye out for the turkey, deer and occasional black bear that can be seen along the way, until the blinking light at the intersection of Route 42. Turn right and follow into Monticello.

Monroe to New Paltz Why hit the Thruway when you can take Route 208 through Washingtonville to Burnside? Take a left on Route 207 through Campbell Hall to Route 416. Take a right on Route 416 to Route 211. Take a right onto Route 211 and follow into Montgomery to the light at Route 17K. Take a left on Route 17K, go over the Wallkill River and take the second right after the bridge onto Albany Post Road. Follow until it merges with Ulster County Route 7. Follow past the Ulster County Fairgrounds to Route 299. Take a right at Wallkill View Farms and follow into New Paltz

Washingtonville to Milford, Pa. Take Route 208 to Sarah Wells Trail. Take a left onto the Trail at Farmer Browne's Feeds and follow into Goshen. Take a left on Route 207 into the center of the village. Take an easy left, 11 o'clock position, at the five-street intersection, onto Route 17A. Follow out of town to the intersection of County Route 6 at Finnegans Corner (if you get to the asphalt plant, you've gone too far) toward Pine Island. In Pine Island, take a right on County Route 1 through Westtown to the intersection of state Route 6 in Greenville. Take a left on Route 6 over the mountain. At the bottom of the mountain, take a left onto Interstate 84 west, just for one exit, over the Neversink and Delaware rivers and get off at the Matamoras exit. Take a left at the light onto Route 209. If you don't want to contribute to the Town of Westfall, watch the 35 mph speed zone. They love to get you up by the firehouse. Follow Route 209 into Milford.