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New York - Not long ago, a 93-year-old man came to my office to see me for a divorce. As this elderly man sat down at my conference table for a consultation, I wondered what could have moved someone to seek a divorce after 60 years of marriage. He complained that he could no longer live with his wife, since she was refusing to sell their million-dollar home, which he felt he could no longer maintain. He wanted to retire, but his wife was refusing to change their lifestyle. In an attempt to save this long-term marriage, I asked the client to permit me to speak to his son, a Park Avenue physician, who began crying when I told him that his father seriously wanted to divorce his mother. The son advised me that he knew his father was unhappy but he did not take him seriously, as his parents had been married for over 60 years. In the end, the parties stayed married thanks to their son’s intervention.

That same day, a 23-year-old Orthodox woman came to me seeking a divorce, claiming that she could no longer stand living with her husband of less than three years, with whom she had one child. Knowing that this young marriage likewise deserved a fighting chance, I encouraged the young woman to reconsider her decision to divorce and to instead attend marriage counseling. Sadly, her story did not have a similar happy ending.

It is a sad fact that some young couples resort to divorce as an easy way out of their marital problems. Rather than exploring the source of their marital discord in an attempt to find a solution, young couples are increasingly viewing divorce as a first course of action. Unfortunately, as more young couples choose to divorce, the stigma once associated with it has evaporated, making the option a far easier pill to swallow.

Social scientists have found that people who marry young are seldom prepared for marital roles. Prior to their mid-twenties, most young adults have not had time to learn how to be independent, let alone be prepared for the challenges faced by married couples every day. These young adults are not yet fully aware of their own identities, life goals, or needs. They are hardly in the position to care for the identity, goals, or needs of a partner. Current statistics relating to divorce are not encouraging. Consider these statistics from Divorcerate.com and Divorce Magazine:

• The divorce rate for a first marriage in America is 40% to 50%.

• The highest divorce rate is among people getting married between the ages of 20 and 24.

• The median age at first marriage is 26.9 for men and 25.3 for women.

• The median age for divorce is 30.5 for men and 29 for women.

• The median duration of a first marriage that ends in divorce is 7.8 to 7.9 years.

It is also reported that the probability of divorce increases until the fourth year of marriage, when it begin to decline. The median age of divorce is decreasing, representing a trend among young married couples to opt out of their marriages at an alarmingly rapid rate.

A number of states have responded to the problem of the decreasing marriage rate and the increasing divorce rate by enacting laws intended to promote and preserve marriage.1 Some states have passed laws to encourage couples to obtain premarital counseling or attend marriage-education classes. The belief is that preparing a couple for marriage with realistic expectations will make it easier for them to survive potential turbulence without turning to the extreme remedy of divorce.

Over the past half decade, the divorce rate in the U.S. has increased at a steady rate. Before the late 1960s, ending a marriage was complicated, as the law in most states required proof of serious marital “fault” in order to obtain a divorce. While the grounds for divorce varied from state to state, a party could obtain a divorce only if he or she could prove a statutorily prescribed fault on the part of the other spouse. The state legislators reasoned that making a divorce difficult promoted the preservation of marriage. After several decades of pressure for change, the late 1960s saw a shift to no-fault divorces.

No-fault divorce laws were enacted to lower the divorce rate by improving the chances of reconciliation.1 In states with such laws, a couple can divorce by simply alleging irreconcilable differences, without alleging any fault. Whether or not these laws play a role in preventing divorce is subject to debate. New York, still a “fault” state, provides no-fault divorce for couples living separate and apart for a period of one year pursuant to a separation agreement, in effect giving the couple time to attempt reconciliation.

It has been my experience as a matrimonial attorney that many young marriages fail for several reasons—including abuse, poor communication, lack of respect, financial stress, and infidelity. While most couples enter into a marriage expecting marital bliss, the reality is that marriage is not always idyllic. Newly married couples must be prepared for the possible feelings of dissatisfaction or tension that even the best marriages at times produce. Such feelings, while at times valid, do not always mean that a marriage is doomed.

Many young spouses choose to run from conflict rather than address it head on. Moreover, when couples see repeated failures in their friends’ marriages, it is easy for them to feel that divorce is a solution for them, as well.

I often see parental influence as a factor in the breakup of young marriages. While well-intentioned and believing that they are acting in the best interests of their children, some parents encourage their children to leave viable marriages. These parents, in a desperate attempt to help their struggling children, often fail to see that every marital conflict has different perspectives—the husband’s, the wife’s, and reality. Furthermore, parents often refuse to believe that their child’s behavior could be a contributing factor in the marital discord. Sadly, these parents often encourage their children to terminate the marriage and overlook viable alternatives to divorce that might, and often do, result in stronger, more successful long-term marriages.

Rabbi Peretz Steinberg, the rabbi of Young Israel of Queens Valley and a member of the Vaad Harabanim of Queens, said, “Tragically, I am seeing more young couples with infidelity and Internet issues that bring about destruction of the family.” Rabbi Steinberg, who counsels couples to examine their marriages before resorting to divorce, is painfully aware of the strain that outside influences can place on a young marriage. He stresses that young couples must be vigilant in their communication with each other to ensure that these negative influences have no place in developing young Jewish homes.

According to Tina Machnikoff, LCSW, who works with couples and families in transitional life-cycle situations, “if one has their needs fulfilled in their marriage, one is less likely to seek fulfillment outside of the marriage; however, many of these needs are not being expressed clearly and openly. In these cases, a couple can be married but not have a clue as to actual problems in the marriage.” According to Machnikoff, the key to a successful marriage lies in communication between the parties, relating to fulfillment in the marriage or the lack thereof. She acknowledges that this is particularly difficult in young marriages, where the parties are less mature and therefore less likely to be able to negotiate both the “I” and the “we” within the relationship. In this regard, she notes that young couples often face greater obstacles than more mature couples when it comes to navigating the seas of marital discord.

According to both Rabbi Steinberg and Ms. Machnikoff, marriage counseling can be invaluable. As both experts agree that the key to a happy and healthy marriage lies in communication between the parties, any solution that teaches a couple how to better communicate would provide a port in a storm to young couples whose communication skills may be lacking or underdeveloped. Marriage counseling provided by a trained marriage counselor or rabbi allows a couple to air their grievances and express their feelings about their marriage in a safe environment under the care of an expert who can help them find solutions to their problems. Ultimately, even if the couple decides to divorce, marriage counseling may allow them to do it amicably, rather than allowing the divorce to be contentious and hurtful.

“Premarital and marital counseling provide an opportunity to clarify one’s expectations that the individual has as he/she enters the new stage of being a couple. In therapy, one is given the opportunity to process and explore different themes that are part of the marital state, including communication, conflict resolution, role relations, managing finances, and personal and family goals, all in a safe environment,” commented Machnikoff. Rabbi Steinberg cautioned, however, that “people without experience in a particular area should not attempt to take matters in their own hands, but should refer to the right channels.” If they don’t know about gittin or marriage counseling, a professional referral should be made.

While counseling plays an important role for married couples, educating engaged couples about the responsibilities of marriage provides an invaluable service as well. Marriage presents the first time that most people view themselves as a “we” rather than an “I,” and they must be prepared for this giant leap with the tools for building a successful relationship. Pre-marriage counseling would benefit any young couple contemplating marriage, by allowing them to anticipate the unique challenges presented by marriage and helping them understand how to navigate those challenges with minimal conflict.

While there has been a dramatic evolution in the institution of marriage over the years, due to shifts in the economic and social climate, one fact that has never changed is the high value society places on marriage. Society today faces a monumental task. As young people increasingly opt out of marriage before they celebrate their first or second anniversary, we must encourage young couples to work on their marriages. As the value of marriage begins to erode, the challenge that we face is to work on preserving this precious institution to ensure that those entering marriage do so fully prepared to enjoy the good times and to work through the difficulties.

Esther Schonfeld is an attorney with the law firm of Schonfeld & Goldring, LLP, Cedarhurst, New York.

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