New York – She kept the tree, but decorated it exclusively in blue, white and silver. She invited friends for a festive dinner, but paused to light Sabbath candles.
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For Charlotte Jett, this Christmas was unlike any other. For the first time, it was more her mother’s celebration than her own. Ms. Jett, who is 33 and in the process of converting to Judaism, was left to navigate the complicated path between the traditions she had grown up loving and the new identity she is shaping for her future.
She was not about to tell her father to toss out the stocking that her grandmother knitted for her when she was a baby, nor allow her mother to give away the piles of decorations her other grandmother had created over the years. But she also felt uncomfortable about putting them up in the Midtown apartment she shares with her fiancé, Alan Silver, who is Jewish.
“I am fully committed to becoming Jewish, so it’s been hard to know what I am supposed to do,” said Ms. Jett, who is in graduate school, studying to become a nutritionist. “There’s a piece of me that really feels the need to preserve something I had when I grew up.”
For thousands of people who convert to Judaism, Christmas is a difficult day of balancing what was once intimately theirs but now represents, in some ways, the essence of what they are giving up. The holiday brings up questions that often have less to do with theology than with culture and custom. Siblings wonder: Can we still give you gifts? Parents ask: Can I still fill your stocking? If the answers are no, does that signal something akin to betrayal?
For Jocelyn Getgen, a lawyer who is marrying a Jewish man next month, the completion of her conversion after Thanksgiving left her feeling strangely alone as she stared at the endless Christmas trees while walking down Broadway. For Juan Diego Santamaria, a 40-year-old court reporter, becoming Jewish meant abstaining from the roasted pig his family served at Christmas dinner in Elmhurst, Queens. And for Aliza Hausman, 29, it meant going with her sisters to see “Avatar” on Christmas Eve, movies having become a new family tradition since she converted in 2006.
An intermarriage is an intermarriage is an intermarriage… shame we’re losing these men.
How sad you feel that way #1 . You should feel better, you are gaining new members of the tribe not losing a fellow jew.
Leave it to the NYTimes.
“I am fully committed to becoming Jewish, so it’s been hard to know what I am supposed to do.” Well, I would recommend that you start with not having your Jewish fiance cook a “traditional Christmas menu of bourbon-glazed ham…”
What will be really confusing is when your children either reject religion entirely (probably) or, actually learn something about Judaism and then become interested in Torah and try to become Baalei Tshuva. Then you’ll see confusion.
Sad.
Hogwash she is becoming as Jewish as Sammy David jr.
To #1
This might not be a good way to find a shidduch, but it is NOT intermarriage. Shame on you for saying such a thing. Remember Who Moishe Rabeinu, Boaz and Yosef married. Were they Jewish enough for you. Moishe’s Shver was a Galach! Shame on you!!!
There needs to be some understanding for geyrim over the holidays and the rabbonim should try their best to make them feel accepted.
Now we understand why EJF is necessary, Koshim geirim leyisroel! Sadly they have to be double checked…
to #1 i assume you mean that they are not orthodox converts for if they were it wouldn’t be intermarriage…
this article brings up questions I have been thinking of for a while. Most of these want to be gerim sound as if they are not truly interested in judaism with all the halochos. i always thought that geirus was discouraged and the person in question had to be fully committed to the Torah and be willing to keep all of the Torah. I am not talking about the tree but about the fact that she is living with her jewish fiancee. the man who abstains from pork at the x-mas dinner, does he also abstain from the rest of the treifa food? Also being jewish intrinsically means not going to x-mas dinner. Why are these people bothering to be megair if they are not willing to be mekabel the Torah wholeheartedly? Once they are megair aren’t they mechuyav in all 613 mitzvos? No one is forcing them to be megair. If they are not committed they should just not bother.
mr silver live with her shame on them. find a goy like you lady.
you don`t convert becaause you have a jewish boyfriend
you like the line how she’s so committed to being Jewish, meanwhile her chooson Alan Silver is making a nice ham for Xmas
I have known several women who married Jewish men because they were interested in Judaism but didn’t know how to approach conversion directly. Evidently it is easier to “convert” for marriage than for purely spiritual reasons – at least in terms of family opposition (and rabbinic cooperaton?). The tragedy is that these women were trying to find their way “in,” while the men they married were on the way “out.” One told me that she wanted to convert but her husband had forbidden it because if “he had wanted to marry a Jewish woman he would have.” Another had had a Reform conversion but wanted to become more observant. Her husband opposed it because he was a Cohen and didn’t want complications arising.
The most successful woman converts I have met are those who converted lishmah. The men have their reasons for intermarrying, and bringing their spouse into Judaism isn’t one of them.
There is an old Yiddish saying that explains this. ”Hack Menisht Kein Tsaiynick!
this is NOT a ger tzedek-so of course they still miss their trees-and tehy will probably go back to it when they get divorced or sick of it all…
let the jewish men not convince themselves that they are marrying real jewish women-if the only reason they are converting is for marriage.
This article has NOTHING to do with righteous gerim – this is about sincere gentiles and toally frei yidden & their holiday “struggles” – most of them are already living together prior to the “conversion / marriage” … The article even describes one Jewish-by-birth ( or maybe just a Jewish father/ last name ) male cooking up a tasty ham dinner for his live-in girlfriend & her family – it is a TRAGIC statement on the state of the Jewish world . The headlines of this past week show us that the “frum velt” better do a big t’shuvah too in these matters . It really is going to take Moshiach to sort it all out. Read it and weep.
Perhaps there needs to be some form of secondary geirus where the converts would not be held to such high standards…
Nauseating was my reaction when I read this newspaper article this morning. For that woman to cook a bourbon soaked ham as an expression of religion is outrageous.
i teach in a conservative school–and had a student say, well my dad is jewish, my mom converted…so im jewish but since they got divorced, i celebrate Xmas with my mom and Hannukaaaaaahhhhh with my dad. LOVELY no? now THAT is THE problem.
Unfortunately these people are misguided and are being megayer in a conservative or reform geirus. They will learn the hard way when they are rejected.
It’s understandable that she has a hard time letting go what is sentimental to her. But it is definitely conflicting with Jewish traditions….
Most of these ‘geirim’ seem to be converting reform/ for marriage and are therefore not Jews in any sense of the word- especially the one that’s having glazed ham. Shame. I know for a fact that Aliza Hausman converted properly and is fully shomer Torah u’mitzvos- too bad they didn’t talk to her a little more or mention that she underwent a totally orthodox conversion, is married to an orthodox smicha student, etc.
I can definitely understand missing xmas part though. Even for sincere geirim, there will always be things that they will miss from their old lives such as certain foods and certain family celebrations, most notably those taking place around this time of year.
Sorry, we can’t, and in fact are not, smarter then the Talmud!
קשים גרים לישרא-ל כספחת
Sorry but I didn’t write it. Our Sages did!
Ms. Hausman is a halachic convert whose husband is in a semichah program!
reply to #23 & 24
unfortunately, we leave the geirim in the cold and they (the true geirei tzedek) can only find shiduchim with other geirim or “problem” people because we are too prejudiced and we look down on them.
and for those who can’t sympathise with geirim who have a “nostalgia” for the old time–remind yourselves of the first seder away from home–in Eretz Yisroel while the family is in America and there is no way of getting home for Pesach; or the first year you were married and went to your in-laws for Seder and somehow it was different.
so, while there is a problem in these “kitchy” geirim who are all messed up, one point is that it is natural to “miss” something that they are giving up.
let’s be more sympathetic and accept geirei tzedek (the real ones) more openly and be more sympathetic to those who are messed up (like the ones in the article). maybe if we were more open…(said with a sigh)
This is the horror of the free for all conversions which are happening left and right today, as never before. This is a churban on AmYisroel. Assimilation, intermarriage is literally a holocaust which is in, a certain sense, more horrendous. as literally Yiddeshe neshomos are being lost.
She should NOT be allowed to convert. Conversion to Judaism means completely letting go of your past life and embracing one of 613 commandments – NOT trying to figure out which to hold on to. I hope she is stopped – why would the fiance even care ? they are already living together, it’s not as if halacha is his primary concern…
(reply to# 19) nausiating is when I read that you read the times this morning on SHABBOS KODESH that is sick!!
To respond to the article title:
REAL geirim do NOT struggle with xmas.
This article is a joke…
ANY GAIR THAT MISSESS THEIR GOYISHKEIT IS NOT A GAIR TZEDEK!!!
how do i know? i have been a gair tzedek17-18 years.
“Though Ms. Jett usually goes to her mother’s house for Christmas, this year, her mother came to New York instead, and Ms. Jett and Mr. Silver decided to invite several friends — they affectionately called them “Jewish orphans” — over for dinner. They planned a traditional Christmas menu of bourbon-glazed ham, mashed potatoes, roasted broccoli, Brussels sprouts, green beans and yams, cooked by Mr. Silver, who works for a real estate investment firm and is the designated chef in the relationship.”
Is this a joke? What conversion? By “Rabbi” Leann (woman’s name)?
And Ms. Jett is living in sin with Mr. Silver so the whole thing is repulsive and stomach turning. Why is VIN even publishing it? How different is it from publishing pictures of untzinusdik women? NOT!
you know what is really said is these “converts” are perpetuating the lies. these women will have children and tell their children that they are jewish, and this is simply not the case. we don’t need converts like this mixing in to our people. and let me tell you, they don’t need to be lied to, either, and told they are jewish when in fact they are not.
I’m a “kosher” orthodox convert since I never converted in purpose of marriage or social position or anything else than Toyreh love and spirituality…
I would like to share a common feeling amongst us converts,especially if like me none of your family is jewish (this might be a little bit different if one has a jewish father already) :
I rejected x-ianity and its holidays when I was a child, but had to follow family tradition, when I was a teenager and could make my own choices I told my family that I wasn’t x-ian anymore, that I felt jewish and didn’t want to celebrate x-ian holidays (easter christmas), of course it was really hard for my family because of xmas…not as a religious celebration but more as a family gathering…
It’s been 10 years since I told them and totally stopped celebrating x-mas and I converted 2 years ago… they’re still bitter because of my choice, when it comes to xmas… 2 days ago I had an argument with my family because they think I betrayed them and I deny my roots and my own family…
Believe me, x-mas itself isn’t confusing, but the relationship with the xian family is.
I wish there was a way to teach convert’s family how to accept us
We all know of the problems with geirus.
I would add that the reporter never bothered to find “real” geirim who have gone through a halachik conversion and were mekabel ohl malkut shamayim.
Finding an “orthodox” convert would not have been that difficult and would have actually added to the story. Of course, I doubt that the NY Times would go to the effort to get an Orthodox point of view.
The Rabbis who are involved in Geirusneed to ask these questions upfront. They need to ask to what degree the potential ger/giyores is willing to reject JC and all involved with JC. if the candidate still has a soft spot in their heart for JC then they are not serious in becoming a ger/giyores. There are many Bnei/Bnos Noach who reject xtianity because they see the falsehoods of anything but Torah yet they do not feel that they can accept 613 mitzvot.
Geirut is not a pick and choose thing. It is either 100% or nothing. We do not need Geirim who still have a soft spot for Santa, the Easter Bunny or JC. If it is hard to give up PAGAN customs that Constantine incorporated into xtianity to make it more palatable to the pagan masses, then stay whatever you are and do not attempt to become what is too much of a challenge for you.
We do NOT seek converts, nebach we have too many authentic Jews who find it too hard to observe their heritage, no need to bring in outsiders who can ‘t accept the total package!
You are right on the first point but so wrong on the Takanah the “Gezairah” makes out the Syrians are holier than Cohenim in that it forbids genuine gerim from marrying to the 4th generation you make us worse than an Egyptian.
Fences were designed for protection from transgression not as a hindrance for the genuine to enter in or perhaps Syrian Betei Din would never have the fortitude to make the right decisions.
Personally I love the Syrian Minhagim but I could never be accepted by them not holy enough for them.
And for the record I agree with and keep the following: Judaism means “Ana avda di kudsha breech hu” – I am G-d’s slave. Period. He says jump, and I jump. He say eat Matzah, I eat matzah. He says fast, I fast. It’s very simple.
# 11 and # 12 I know here in twon a ger tzedek he has midos any Jew can proud of, he wears a gartel, a professional graduated from one of the finest institution in N.Y. and he is a mensch. Maybe we need more gerim. See my mother A’H had a good saying “fin chazer hoor ken men nisht machen a strajmel” . You know k’chomer b’yad hayozer. It is the chomer not the origin. Those who throw dirty diapers on police, beat up women in the name of tznius are prost, grob
Maybe someone should show her the records that prove this tree goes back to ancient pagan tree worship. if she is intent on becoming a real yiddene, she should not mix in avodah zarah!!
Thank you VIN responders who are ‘dan l’chaf zchus’ to true gerim and don’t use this “multicultural piece of dreck” article to blindly attack all gerim. Aliza Hausman still has sentimental attachments to her birth family and maybe she’s correct to hold onto them. I, on the other hand, cut all ties to my birth family and I find myself completely alone in the frum world because true friendship is an impossible goal in the Heimische oilam and you find yourself isolating yourself because of the abrasiveness of this society. If anyone can empathize with the plight of gerim, they would be considered true tzadikim, but most people are only benonim who gleefully give them their chametz before pesach so they can feel “righteous”.
A unusual ger in modern history is Count Avraham Manstein uncle of the Panzer General Manstein, German ger who died in 1944
After my liberation I lived in Italy and in Rome Rabbi Toaff A’H refused geiris to non-Jewish women if it was for the sake of marrying a Jew
Cristianity is Avodah Zara.
If you know anything about Jewish history there should be no conflict. We should not accept people who believe in celebrating xmas into our religion. The crusades, the Spanish inquisition, pogroms. We should never sell our selves short.
“They planned a traditional Christmas menu of bourbon-glazed ham, mashed potatoes, roasted broccoli, Brussels sprouts, green beans and yams, cooked by Mr. Silver…”
If Ms. Jett is “fully committed to becoming Jewish”, she (and her fiance) ought not be serving ham – the antithesis of Judaism – in her home. There are countless other ways to honor her parents.
X-mas in Vienna even before Hitler’s Anschluss was not a pleasant time for a Jewish boy but the final k.o. I received in 1944 a few weeks after my arrival in Buchenwald. Block 66 was adjacent parallel to the Sonderbau an infamous place in Buchenwald . Here in our block we lived in dread fear, hungry some were beaten and in the evening of 12/25 1944 there is a loud singing of “Stille Nacht heilige Nacht silent night in Buchenwald with the crematorium chimney shooting up flames.