New York – The Roving Eye

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    New York – If a husband knew just how bad his failure to guard his eyes devastates his wife, he’d maybe think twice about surfing schmutz on the web.

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    One such victimized wife wrote me, among other things: “I was really hurt to find all of it. I think that was when the reality of his past sunk deep into my heart and crushed me. In the first year of our marriage my husband would stay up really late on the computer. Doing what? I have no clue. I started regularly checking the internet history. Now that every once in a while check has become an obsession! On the surface we look like a happy couple and my husband would probably say we are but I am dying inside. This fear is killing me. It makes it hard for me to desire intimacy. I’m always scared during intimacy he is thinking of another woman…”

    Read The Roving Eye article in its entirety By world renown speaker Rabbi Lazer Brody.

    Rabbi Lazer Brody, lives in Israel is an accomplished writer, celebrated translator of Rabbi Shalom Arush’s best-selling Torah series of books, former IDF commando, and award-winning daily web journal “Lazer Beams,” which has been instrumental in bringing thousands of people closer to Hashem.


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    74 Comments
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    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    Boys will be boys. It’s not what women are thinking. Be happy your husband likes women is all I can say. We can all be better husbands.

    Aharoni Macaroni
    Aharoni Macaroni
    14 years ago

    How about giving hubby (you know, that best boy from the best yeshiva and from that best family as well, who your parents were oh so proud of) the attention that he is seeking. Look at mom and dad lady; yours and his, for raising such dysfunctional children.

    GuardYourEyes fan
    GuardYourEyes fan
    14 years ago

    Anyone having issues- and we all have at some point- should check out the website for the GuardYourEyes Network. Just google it and it’ll come right up! It’s all free and has helped untold numbers of Frum Yidden do Tshuvah in these areas…

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    Interesting that she knew her husband had a history of porn addiction before she married him. Did that come up in a date? That would seem like one of those “red flag” things they tell you to look out for. “Does he pick up his knife during dinner and wave it threateningly at the waiter? “Does he yell at the valet parking guy b/c he took 5 extra minutes to return the car” oh yeah, “Does he eagerly admit to you that he has a history of porn addiction?”

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    “If a husband knew just how bad his failure to guard his eyes devastates his wife, he’d maybe think twice about surfing schmutz on the web.”

    If a wife knew what her neglect in these areas between them can lead to, maybe she’d think twice before she acts uninterested.

    Seek Professional Help
    Seek Professional Help
    14 years ago

    It is an addiction – and it is wide spread. It affects males of all ages and backgrounds, and some females too.

    It needs to be cured.

    Like any illness of the mind such as alcholics, gamblers, drug abuse etc. it is often traced to childhood trauma.

    The illness progresses, consumes the soul and destroys the person.

    It destroys everything in its path – jobs, friends, finances, ability to form relationships and marriages.

    It has many victims – the spouse and children get the brunt of it. The spouse is in many ways considered a co-addict and the children become addits or marry addicts. The chain of addiction continues until it is broken.

    Sometimes it leads to death – by disease or depression caused suicide. It always leads to ruin. It revolves around a cycle of shame, anger, and despair – leading to more acting out to numb the pain (followed by more shame, unhealthy anger and greater despair).

    It doesn’t go away by itself. And it progresses – in frequency and intensity, always seeking a better “high”.

    Therapy, counselling, 12-step meetings and support groups will give the addict tools to control the illness and put him in recovery.

    Denial and excuses are the addiction.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    All these stories are one sided every case and every scenario is different there are sometimes that the wife docent give the husband what he needs and ask your friends… there are many times that men just dont behave like real men and many times that both have to change for the other but when you read a story with someone complaining remember you are not reading the other side…… unfortunately in our community just in a nut shell we do not teach whats really needed in a marriage but just that the husband should be a good learner and the wife can cook good and of course good midos until… i know im not clear im rushing but we do not teach our kids what they need to know to have a good and lasting marriage and the reason frum divorces are less is not because the marriages are happier….

    ASKAN
    ASKAN
    14 years ago

    I strongly believe that no jewish home should have internet with out a filter no matter what, no excuse is good enough!!!!!!!

    Cadd9
    Cadd9
    14 years ago

    Rabbi Lazer’s Youtube clips of Reb Yosef Karduner’s soulfull singing and guitar playing brought me back to Jewish music.
    I can not say I never listen to and strum along to Pink Floyd or the Dead etc. ,but it’s getting less and less frequent. It’s great to have alternative Jewish music that appeals to a wider audience.
    Thank’s Reb Lazer.

    5t real guy
    5t real guy
    14 years ago

    women know.
    men know.
    we learn in the talmud….kol dalim gevar…..
    so let’s get to the agender.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    I dont mean to sound so callus, but she sounds like she is the one that needs help.

    Its true that he is doing something terrible, but she is using it as an excuse towards some goal of hers. ie. to be right ect…

    i envy them now ill join them
    i envy them now ill join them
    14 years ago

    the best kabala for shovavim sign up for “webchaver”
    rabbi binyomin eisenberger spoke to his shul & 80 yungeleit signed up for the program “ashreichem to a superb group who are mekabel to grow that shul is a beacon of light as to how mispalelim become talmidim & not board members

    a yid
    a yid
    14 years ago

    Somone once met the Gerrer Rebbe and the rebbe asked him where he is learning? The Bocher answered that he is learning in Ohr Sameyach, “but I am not a Baal Teshuva!” The Rebbe responded: “And why not?”
    Remeber Teshuva, real teshuva, is for all people even FFBs.

    Aryeh
    Aryeh
    14 years ago

    Rabbi Lazer Brody is someone extremely special. He has translated seforim by Rabbi Arush on fundamentals of Yiddishkeit. One sefer stands out, Garden of Peace about Shalom Bayis. It’s for men and very deep. He writes on emunah in Garden of Emunah. Rabbi Brody has DVD’s that are about $2 each and will change your life, check out Ashreinu, best 2 bucks you’ll ever spend.

    shmiel glassman
    shmiel glassman
    14 years ago

    proud to have jnet DSL. its expensive 75 a month, but well worth it if you buy kosher matzos esrog.. why not kosher web svce ( any of the co’s)
    & even with all the filters we need a shmira
    even if one is not tempted to sin the halacha requires that we all consider ourselves “vulnerable”

    Mike Frm BK
    Mike Frm BK
    14 years ago

    There is a noted Doctor I believe his name is Dr Patrice O’neal whos basically says that men have needs both intimate needs and emotional needs and just because a man uses other means of satisfying certain intimate needs, doesn’t necesssarily mean he doesnt love his wife. God created man with needs, if he has to go elsewhere to satisfy his intimate needs, does that mean he no longer loves his wife?

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    I think we all triing to live in denial working with kids at risk,couples at risk our biggest down fall is that We think that We control the guarding of the eyes and guarding of the bris. Hashem created us all with a evil inclination yetzer hora. Dovid hamelach may his merit be a sheild for us all amen. comes along with the story of bat sheva and teaches us that a human is not in control of the above- mentioned.It is just that the human admits where he stands AT each given moment of his breath then hashem has permission and is able to enter that individuals’ life to grab onto his hand and save him from falling.
    King david taught us that the biggest illusion is to think that I am the one in control and i am the one that does good. When king david fell with bat sheva he asked hashem why did you test me if you hashem know all of our intentions and thoughts.
    Hashem replied that there is no righteous person in the world who will do good and will not sin. Hashem does the good and we have a yetzer hora so if we will live life like that then hashem we will not si
    Someone was criing that their child was on a respirator and hashem is criing waiting for us to return to live on hashems’ breath

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    The solution is not a simple “guard your eyes” but why the husband is behaving as he does. May the wife is not “victimized”, perhaps her behavior in the marriage is contributing to his behavior. Actions in relationships don’t come out of nowhere.
    They both need to think and work this out together!

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    david and yosef didnt use the internet and the rest is history
    who are we kiddng there are lots of people that watch porn and are very much in love with a husband or wife if she has a problem she should make herself attractive and available to him and do what ever it takes instead of being afraid and snooping on him

    I'm speaking to myself as well
    I'm speaking to myself as well
    14 years ago

    There is one solution: break your head on a shtikel gemorah. A noted gadol said, (sounds better in yiddesh but looks better written in english) if the head is full with narishkeit, it cant be filled with torah and vice versa. we know what we need to do..

    appalled
    appalled
    14 years ago

    I am utterly disgusted at the concept bandied about here that if a man is “forced” to resort to such activities, his wife must not have met his needs. That’s like, I don’t have enough money so let me shoplift at Macy’s. If something is forbidden – and porn is forbidden – there is no justification for viewing it. No wife ever “forces” a husband to watch porn. If his needs are not met, it’s HIS problem and HIS nisayon. I feel bad for a man whose needs are not met, but that does not make it right to watch porn (just like I feel bad for a poor man but it does not make it right to shoplift).

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    anyone excusing his despicable behavior can only do so if he himself is guilty of the same thing. anyone blaming the woman is so unreasonable- she should not have to compete with the shmutz out there, and if hes looking for it- she should leave him if he doesnt shape up.

    Izzy
    Izzy
    14 years ago

    Both spouses should seek professional help.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    the whole thing with the frum internet is nonsense.
    i mean true your not bringing it into your home, but the truth is if your husband, wife, kids etc. want to find stuff they will find it no matter what!
    their friends houses, cellphones, cafes, libraries…
    kosher internet is not always the answer.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    why doesnt ones wife talk to the husband about why is looking elsewhere…communication i so important, if one cant communicate thats why your marraige is dead….intimacy should be alive and holy not dead and boring.

    Zg49
    Zg49
    14 years ago

    hey! before blaming your wife for not doing her job think about yourself, are you doing yours? are you always neat? dressed well? are you in shape or you fress chulent and kugel without a chesben….

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    If your wife doesn’t satisfy your needs–may be you are actually the one not satisfiying hers. Find me a wife who has been treated properly in “that area” and doesn’t want more. If she still isn’t up to snuff–get a divorce–don’t betray her. You made a deal–stick to it or cancel it.

    Zg49
    Zg49
    14 years ago

    hey! before blaming your wife for not doing her job think about yourself, are you doing yours? are you always neat? dressed well? are you in shape or you fress chulent and kugel without a chesben….

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    I cannot believe how many bloggers here who I suppose consider themselves “frum” are ready to justify such behavior. Yes,we all have tests but to simply condone it when we all know it’s dead wrong morally and from a Torah standpoint?!! Even in the non-Jewish world it is looked at with disgust by people with values. Jews have values! IT seems that many reading this site do not. How can someone(#1) make a comment saying “Boys will be boys. It’s not what women are thinking. Be happy your husband likes women is all I can say. We can all be better husbands.”?? What is that supposed to mean-be happy your husband likes women?? So he’s not walking in gay parades! Oh,I’m thrilled!! Should we clap?? What is happening to us and our moral values?!? Do all of you bloggers go to shul on Yom Kippur? Porn definitely falls into the “Al Cheit…B’Vidas Znus”!! Regarding this couple;they definitely need therapy and they should not feel alone because therapists are overloaded these days with all sorts of issues in the frum community.
    I cannot understand however how these people that condone this live with themselves. What separates you from the goy?? Do you even know anymore?

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    After reading 50 postings, its clear that it is the EQUAL responsibility of both the husband and the wife to satisfy each other’s needs.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    Gee wiz. Everyone is an intimacy expert now? Some of you guys are probably married 3 months and all of a sudden you know it all. I’m 68 now and trust me you have no idea.

    perhaps a bit more objective asessing
    perhaps a bit more objective asessing
    14 years ago

    There are lots of true points being made here in both directions. But i’m in favor of the opinion that says that usually these issues, btwn. Husband and wife stem from basic misunderstandings that exist in the way people perceive the opposite gender. A few short examples: men, some more than others, almost always have a real and alive pull to these things, and this need is never truly satisfied – as much as it gets it always wants more. And I think that many women don’t realize this to its true extent(theres a lot more on this, I just wanna make a point). And the same way, many men don’t recognize the need that their wives have for true love and care, and need to be told so as well. And this also helps unterstand why, as seen in the comments, that a/o lashing out at one gender is usually from the other gender – shifting blame and b/c they have these misunderstandings. I’m not saying that if couples are made aware of the true nature and needs of their spouse that there will never be an issue again but I think that step one is asessing the situation honestly and accurately. I still have a lot more to say on the matter but that would mean being here all day. And sorry if I wasn’t clear enough in communicating my opinion.

    appalled
    appalled
    14 years ago

    The point is not whether or not she satisfied him. The point is that even if she totally does not satisfy him, he is not allowed to view porn al pi halach!! So all these conversations about what the wife should be doing is BESIDE the point. Iif your boss is not meeting his obligaltion and not giving you a paycheck, is it OK for you to commit the aveira of stealing??? Does a wrong someone else does to you (ie, your wife not meeting your needs) give you the right to do an aveira (watching porn)???

    Blame the hiemishe system
    Blame the hiemishe system
    14 years ago

    (1) After getting our arranged (forced) marriage, some start thinking I could of choose something that I really need

    (2) The parents of the cute and picked up girls can choose the best bucher, and they get the “best” (best in learning, but messed up in middus and so on) bucher that never even knows what he got, and she would never choose such a …

    (3) Thanks for my parents for getting me such a frum and mismatched wife for their kuved (they knew what I need) (I really can’t complain, she was such a good student, she never dressed up fancy, and she knew all haluches, and lots of knowledge in TNAC”H(lol) ), they messed up the first few years of our life, till our changes to meet some more of each others requirements are got in affect (divorce was never my option since I know it will hurt her for life)

    Conclusion- the wife start to change for the husband, she gets mussar from her parents how she was raised to be ehrlich and now she looks like a “goiteh” going uncovered (with a cup cake shaitel, the most she could do for her husband and still kosher lmhadrin), so every small change takes years

    Now the husband isn’t satisfied he starts surfing, he was never addicted and would never be, but if he does not get what he wants he has to ….

    It is really bad surfing, but first solve the problems that drove him there

    When a smoke detector goes on you have to get the fire under control, not the smoke detector

    someone pls explain
    someone pls explain
    14 years ago

    hey did anyone read the actual article and dr. brodys response? could anyone pls explain to me how the hell his advice about emunah helps this woman on a daily practical level? i mean i know we have to pray to hashem and have total faith in him, but practical professional advice is neccessary as well. wats he trying to say?!!!

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    How about when one’s wife still looks at shtiot on tv while the husband doesn’t watch tv at all. Shmootz isn’t just on the internet.

    GYE Member: shmirateinayim
    GYE Member: shmirateinayim
    14 years ago

    IIt truly saddens me to see how many people here EXPECT frum men to look at p—–y. Many Gedolim and pashuta rabanim have identified this as the nissayon of our dor. R Shimshon Pinkus zt”l even based it on a zohar, and that was in reffrence to the “internet” of his days (36k dial up??). It is NORMAL for every ehrliche bachur to have some source of p— or other shmutz. They are on the computer, them come in the mail, and they are printed in every “Daily” newspaper. There is no end to the availability of “shmutz”.

    For all those who are addicted, GuardYourEyes.org has haskamos from both The Rosh Yeshiva Rav Feldman shlita, a member of the Moetzes Gedolei Hatorah. In addition to a haskama from Dr. Rabbi Avraham J. Twerski, yiddishkeits athourity on addictions (who has a longstanding policy of not giving haskamos).

    There is a forum for wives of addicts, and a private forum for women themselves (not veiwable to the public).

    Everyone MUST install monitoring software on their computer, in addition to a filter. “If you have nothing to hide, why are you afraid to do it”.