New York – New Book: About Your In-Laws

New York – Mother-in-law jokes probably get some of the biggest and best chuckles in the world of Jewish humor. But to Professor Abraham Twersky, those jokes may be funny but they are not necessarily a laughing matter.

Rabbi Twersky is one of the most prolific thinkers in contemporary Jewish life. Well respected and in great demand to speak before Jewish audiences and groups around the world, he continues to make an impact on modern-day K’lal Yisrael—the things we do, the way we think, and the way in which we lead our lives. As his biography says, he is “a Torah scholar who possesses psychological insights that enhance application of Torah principles to everyday life.”

His latest offering was written together with Leah Shifrin Averick, a clinical social worker in private practice who specializes in and lectures widely on in-law relationships. Their book, In-Laws: It’s All Relative, published by the Shaar Press division of ArtScroll/Mesorah Publications, is an in-depth analysis of the very nature of our curious and often complicated relationships with mothers-in-law, fathers-in-law, and brothers- and sisters-in-law, as well as between the in-laws themselves.

It’s a bit stunning to think that these relationships have such an impact and effect on us that a psychological specialty could be developed around it. But an extensive conversation with Rabbi Twersky the other day illustrated the many sides of the in-laws equation and the various types of problems that come about, very often straining and even ruining relationships between husbands and wives as well as entire families.

Rabbi Twersky says that from his perspective of many years of professional counseling, he has drawn the conclusion that today there are more divorces than ever before in the frum communities that he works in, and he has observed that relationships with in-laws are extremely prominent in causing certain issues that lead to a marriage being terminated.

“The problem is that today more than ever, parents are meddling in children’s lives, and they believe that they have a right to do so,” Rabbi Twersky said in our Sunday-morning talk. He added that the prime reason that in-laws or parents get more involved in children’s lives nowadays is that in an inordinate number of situations in our community, children are no longer independent just because they’ve gotten married. He says that today in our social structure no one is really independent, and that fact is a significant contrast to the way things were not so very long ago.

Rabbi Twersky recalled that back not so long ago, when you turned 18 you went to work and were on your own—that is if your parents wer not depending on your efforts to help keep the family unit afloat, which today is an unthinkable option. In discussing whether the situation of such profound dependence of married children on their parents is healthy or not, Rabbi Twersky said, “We can’t change the reality of our social structure. It is what it is and we need to deal with it as such.”

In discussing why there seemed to be a special and rather unfavorable position that children seem to cast their mothers-in-law and fathers-in-law in, Rabbi Twersky made an interesting and startling observation. “It’s not unusual for sons and daughters to have strong differences with their parents,” Dr. Twersky said. “At the same time,” the rabbi said, “it’s unbecoming for children to be too distant or too much at odds with their own parents, so they project or transfer those feelings onto their spouse’s parents.”

In some instances, Dr. Twersky said, young adults feel that they have somewhat of an obligation to view their in-laws with some element of disdain. “It could very well be that there is no reason to resent an in-law, as they may be fine and even exemplary parents and in-laws, but that doesn’t mean that a man or woman will nor search for some reason to build up this stereotypical resentment,” he said.

The professor says that he had a case this year in which a newlywed young lady complained that her mother-in-law was calling her four times a day and that she did not know what to do. His suggestion to her was to call her once a day, just to be in touch to say hello; he thought that if she did that the four calls a day would cease. That’s exactly what happened.

There is another instance in the book where a young doctor joined his father’s busy medical practice. The young doctor observed how he believed his father was always looking over his shoulder and came to object to that type of behavior. At first the new doctor thought that his father just did not trust him as a doctor and wanted to object to his father always hovering over him in the office. On pursuing the matter further with his dad, he came to the realization that his father, the senior physician, was not questioning the young doctor’s medical skills. He just wanted to be close to his son.

So it just may be that, as in so many other situations in life that are troubled and tension-filled, the matter of relationships with in-laws comes down to miscommunication and misunderstandings.

Then there is the matter addressed in the book about mechutanim. Rabbi Twersky explains that there is no word in the English language that can effectively characterize the nature of this relationship (i.e., between the two sets of parents of a married or soon-to-be-married couple), so, he says, he will have to use the transliterated Hebrew word. He says, “Most relationships between mechutanim are pleasant. They now have children in common and will eventually have grandchildren in common. But problems may arise when personal interests come into play. Nothing is as destructive to any relationship as ego gratification. The Talmud has the highest praise for someone who is willing to yield and to defer to others.”

Rabbi Twersky and Ms. Averick expound further on the issue that is most often a source of conflict between mecuhtanim even before the couple officially become husband and wife. One of those preliminary issues is who walks the chasan and kallah down the aisle to the chuppah. Some families have the minhag that the two fathers walk the young man down and the two mothers escort the young lady down the aisle. Rabbi Twersky says in the book, “HaGaon R’ Yaakov Kaminestzky was asked what his custom was for the chuppah. He answered: ‘My minhag is to do whatever my mechutanim want.’ At some of his children’s weddings the two fathers escorted the chasan, and at others each couple escorted their child. This tzadik was not about to put the mazel of his children jeopardy by making an issue of who would escort whom down a 60-foot aisle.”

One of the other common sources of tension is what the children should call their in-laws—though it is, on the surface, a simple matter, it often becomes complicated. “When a young woman has a mother she calls Mom, she can easily have difficulty addressing another woman—even if it is her husband’s mother—as Mom, and it works the other way as well,” the rabbi says. He explains that we live in a time when the term “shviger,” which used to frequently be part of a compromise formula on the matter, has now become something of a pejorative.

Sometimes, he says, it is appropriate to ask a mother- or father-in-law how they would prefer being addressed. Sometimes they will suggest that they be addressed exactly the way their own children refer to them, and sometimes they come up with a variation of a name so as to increase the comfort level of all involved and find a safe reference that everyone can live with. Rabbi Twersky says that he was counseling a young lady who said that she was indeed having problems calling her mother-in-law Mom, for a variety of reasons. He says that after about a year and a half, a baby was born and the young woman settled comfortably in calling her mother-in-law “Bubby.”

The new book is a must-read for those entering into the process of extending their families through marriage. It is comprehensive, covering all aspects of these relationships, and goes a very long way in fostering improved in-law relationships and striking up acceptable solutions to setting aside petty disputes, bringing families closer together, and helping us all understand that it is not necessary or helpful for in-laws to be treated like outlaws.

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