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New York - Halachically Speaking: Inviting to a Wedding Do you Have To Go? Shemirah for Chosson Kallah‏

Published on: June 8, 2010 09:25 AM
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Inviting to a Wedding

Some bring down the custom for the chosson and kallah to go the cemetery to invite their non-living grandparents to the wedding.

The Gemorah in Pesachim says that if one who is called to attend a bris milah and does not go is excommunicated by Hashem. This halacha is brought in Shulchan Aruch as well. Some poskim say that this inyun also applies to a seudas milah and to a seuda at the marriage of a daughter of a kohen to a talmid chachum only if there are “good people” by the wedding. Based on this, the Pischei Teshuva says it is not proper for a shamos to announced that everyone is invited to a bris because that would obligate all present to come. There is an opinion in the poskim who says that this is only referring to the following situation: The bris has just taken place and then the shamos announces that all are invited to the seuda of the bris. However, if one is invited on a different day then it is not a problem if he does not go. Others say the inyun only applies to a seudas milah where everyone is eating and one does not want to partake in the seuda. In any case one should not “invite” someone to a bris, and should say he is informing everyone about it.

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Many poskim say the custom is that this din is not extended to a wedding. Many reasons are offered for this. Some say that a wedding is very long and one is not obligated to go and stay so long as opposed to a seudas bris which is much shorter. Others say one who receives an invitation in the mail is not considered “invited” and does not have to partake in the wedding. Some say it means if one is invited the day of the wedding. Others maintain that since the ba’al simcha invites so many people because he has to, he does not really care if someone does not come. Some say the reason is because sometimes there may be people who are not good by a wedding.

Based on the aforementioned, one does not have to go to a wedding if he is invited. Nonetheless, the mitzvah to make a chosson and kallah happy still applies.

Shemirah

There is a known custom that the chosson and kallah require a special shemirah –watching before the wedding, and they can not go around by themselves even in their own home. Some say this inyun starts from after the Shabbos before the wedding, while others say it is only the day of the wedding, which starts from the night before. A chosson who can not find himself a shomer to walk him to shul may go to shul without a shomer since many people walk in the streets. Based on this some say if one lives in an area where there are always people in the street he does not need a shomer. One is allowed to take a cab ride with a driver who is a goy and he is considered your shomer.


The above article is reprinted with permission exclusive to VIN News from Halachically Speaking, a monthly publication compiled by Rabbi Moishe Dovid Lebovits, a former chaver kollel of Yeshiva Torah Vodaath and a musmach of Harav Yisroel Belsky Shlita. Rabbi Lebovits currently works as the Rabbinical Administrator for the KOF-K Kosher Supervision. To subscribe to Halachically Speaking via email for free sign up at www.thehalacha.com 


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Read Comments (20)  —  Post Yours »

1

 Jun 08, 2010 at 09:34 AM Anonymous Says:

This inyan of "shemirah" sounds a bit wierd. Its more appropriate for a niftar to have a shomer. Why would we want a "shomer" for a chosson or a kallah at a time of their biggest simcha. In practical terms, why would a chosson want someone trailing along with him to work, to the market, to shul and to mikvah in the week before the chassanah? The article gives no reason and I suspect this is a minhag ingored by most yidden.

2

 Jun 08, 2010 at 09:34 AM Anonymous Says:

Ok ... Enough already about this. Why this micromanaging halachas of weddings? Everything was fine for thousands of years and all of a sudden it's halacha this and halacha that. Please leave us ordinary Yidden alone already. Enough.

3

 Jun 08, 2010 at 09:58 AM Jonathan Says:

Reply to #1  
Anonymous Says:

This inyan of "shemirah" sounds a bit wierd. Its more appropriate for a niftar to have a shomer. Why would we want a "shomer" for a chosson or a kallah at a time of their biggest simcha. In practical terms, why would a chosson want someone trailing along with him to work, to the market, to shul and to mikvah in the week before the chassanah? The article gives no reason and I suspect this is a minhag ingored by most yidden.

It was explained to me that the shomer for a chassan was to protect him from kidnappers. The chassan is (was) apparently a very valuable target for kidnapping and could bring a high ransom. If he's not alone, the likelihood of his being kidnapped was that much lower.

4

 Jun 08, 2010 at 10:34 AM Anonymous Says:

Shemira for a chosson and kallah is not to be taken litely it's because there are bad spirits that hover round just like a newborn needs shemira too. there was a story a good couple yrs ago of A chosson who went to shul alone on the day of his wedding and didn't return home. parents were frantically hysterical and the kallah was in hall already yet no sign of chosson. it the wedding never got to be. it was very tragic but shows that a chosson and kallah need shemira. and to the poster who thinks that Yidden don't adhere to it maybe your the 99% of those coz it's a very well adhered to halacha.

5

 Jun 08, 2010 at 10:56 AM Anonymous Says:

Maybe it's to prevent the chassan from disappearing

6

 Jun 08, 2010 at 11:24 AM Anonymous Says:

Reply to #3  
Jonathan Says:

It was explained to me that the shomer for a chassan was to protect him from kidnappers. The chassan is (was) apparently a very valuable target for kidnapping and could bring a high ransom. If he's not alone, the likelihood of his being kidnapped was that much lower.

I assume this was a bad joke even during the days when "kidnapping" was an issue. But why would we even waste time and energy today to have someone play "shomer" when there are so many other mitzvot. If you want to be a shomer, call your local chevrah kadisshah. in many communities, its difficult to find shomrim at funeral homes before the levayahh but lets stop making yidden crazy with these minhagim that have no relevance to the world today.

7

 Jun 08, 2010 at 11:26 AM Anonymous Says:

Reply to #4  
Anonymous Says:

Shemira for a chosson and kallah is not to be taken litely it's because there are bad spirits that hover round just like a newborn needs shemira too. there was a story a good couple yrs ago of A chosson who went to shul alone on the day of his wedding and didn't return home. parents were frantically hysterical and the kallah was in hall already yet no sign of chosson. it the wedding never got to be. it was very tragic but shows that a chosson and kallah need shemira. and to the poster who thinks that Yidden don't adhere to it maybe your the 99% of those coz it's a very well adhered to halacha.

I saw the movie a few years ago and its title was the "Runaway Bride" not the "Runaway Chasson". And take your bubba meissas about "evil spirits" off an orthodox website to some pagan website where people worry about evil spirits and black magic.

8

 Jun 08, 2010 at 11:48 AM Anonymous Says:

Reply to #1  
Anonymous Says:

This inyan of "shemirah" sounds a bit wierd. Its more appropriate for a niftar to have a shomer. Why would we want a "shomer" for a chosson or a kallah at a time of their biggest simcha. In practical terms, why would a chosson want someone trailing along with him to work, to the market, to shul and to mikvah in the week before the chassanah? The article gives no reason and I suspect this is a minhag ingored by most yidden.

The simcha is after the wedding (where they need a shomer out of kavod when they walk outside). Before the wedding is a nerve-racking time, and a time of judgment as the Chosson and Kallah will be forgiven for all their sins soon. So it is a good time to have support and not be alone.

9

 Jun 08, 2010 at 12:41 PM Anonymous Says:

I have married 7 children without any of them having shomrim....aside from the usual pre-wedding nerves and fights with the hairdresser, we have not had any confirmed kidnapping attempts and had one occurred, they would have not had much suceess with a ransom since the caterer had taken all our money legally.

10

 Jun 08, 2010 at 01:35 PM Milhouse Says:

Reply to #7  
Anonymous Says:

I saw the movie a few years ago and its title was the "Runaway Bride" not the "Runaway Chasson". And take your bubba meissas about "evil spirits" off an orthodox website to some pagan website where people worry about evil spirits and black magic.

Why don't you take your disbelief to some Protestant site. Jews believe in mazikin, and those who don't believe in them are not Jews.

11

 Jun 08, 2010 at 03:16 PM Anonymous Says:

Reply to #1  
Anonymous Says:

This inyan of "shemirah" sounds a bit wierd. Its more appropriate for a niftar to have a shomer. Why would we want a "shomer" for a chosson or a kallah at a time of their biggest simcha. In practical terms, why would a chosson want someone trailing along with him to work, to the market, to shul and to mikvah in the week before the chassanah? The article gives no reason and I suspect this is a minhag ingored by most yidden.

you are so wrong... most yidden dont just 'ignore' minhagim.
everyone i know keeps this.
just because you didnt, doesnt mean nobody does.

12

 Jun 08, 2010 at 03:21 PM Anonymous Says:

Reply to #2  
Anonymous Says:

Ok ... Enough already about this. Why this micromanaging halachas of weddings? Everything was fine for thousands of years and all of a sudden it's halacha this and halacha that. Please leave us ordinary Yidden alone already. Enough.

get a life
everything about being a yid includes following Halacha.
you make absolutely no sense.

14

 Jun 08, 2010 at 04:02 PM Anonymous Says:

You are a nobody who has no right to Poskin on who is a Jew.

15

 Jun 08, 2010 at 04:20 PM Anonymous Says:

Reply to #14  
Anonymous Says:

You are a nobody who has no right to Poskin on who is a Jew.

I assume you meant this for number 10, in which case I agree with you 10,000 percent!

16

 Jun 08, 2010 at 05:49 PM Anonymous Says:

Reply to #12  
Anonymous Says:

get a life
everything about being a yid includes following Halacha.
you make absolutely no sense.

You're the one that needs a life. We've been following the halachas and minhagim throughout the years without issues, each community with their own beautiful minhagim. Now this new kvetcherei stuff comes along as if we , our parents and great-grandparents didn't know how to make weddings. Now it's more joy to be taken out of simchas. Give me a break already.

17

 Jun 08, 2010 at 06:19 PM Milhouse Says:

Reply to #15  
Anonymous Says:

I assume you meant this for number 10, in which case I agree with you 10,000 percent!

Protestantism is not Judaism. Protestants don't believe in mazikin; Jews do. It's as simple as that. Chazal believed in them, the overwhelming majority of rishonim and achronim believed in them, and shlomei emunei yisroel believe in them.

18

 Jun 08, 2010 at 06:21 PM Shmuel Says:

Reply to #16  
Anonymous Says:

You're the one that needs a life. We've been following the halachas and minhagim throughout the years without issues, each community with their own beautiful minhagim. Now this new kvetcherei stuff comes along as if we , our parents and great-grandparents didn't know how to make weddings. Now it's more joy to be taken out of simchas. Give me a break already.

If following halachos and minhagim takes the joy of of simchas for you, may I suggest conservative-reform for your next one? Everything goes there, you will feel much rejoiced.

19

 Jun 09, 2010 at 01:39 AM moshe Says:

The shmira of a chosson before and after the wedding is a minhag based on the gemara and pirkei derabi eliezer. The reasons for before and after differ and have different criteria. for a discussion and analysis on this issue see talks of the Lubavitcher Rebbe ZY"A. The minhag Chabad is a week before the wedding!

20

 Jun 09, 2010 at 04:56 AM Anonymous Says:

Reply to #18  
Shmuel Says:

If following halachos and minhagim takes the joy of of simchas for you, may I suggest conservative-reform for your next one? Everything goes there, you will feel much rejoiced.

Obviously , you don't understand what I wrote. I'm talking about the new kvetcherei and wedding "halachos" that are appearing here lately. We already have minhagim and did just fine until this new drei- kop stuff appeared.

21

 Jun 09, 2010 at 01:29 PM AH Says:

Reply to #17  
Milhouse Says:

Protestantism is not Judaism. Protestants don't believe in mazikin; Jews do. It's as simple as that. Chazal believed in them, the overwhelming majority of rishonim and achronim believed in them, and shlomei emunei yisroel believe in them.

True, but after all, we have the Rambam, who did not believe in mazikin as a reality. Granted that his opinion is not accepted as normative; but I think that labeling this as an "un-Jewish" or "Protestant" view is going way too far.

22

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