New York – Opinion: The Jewish Teenage Internet Addiction

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    New York – Is Internet addiction the main cause of today’s at-risk crisis? It’s a topic most people shy away from, but it’s one that our society needs to begin to address. Everyday more and more teens are getting hooked on the Internet and the effect of surfing may be taking its toll on our youth.

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    There’s no question that Internet use among teens is on the rise. The Internet has quickly become the number one media pre-occupation our children are busy with each day. Worse, not only are teens spending one to several hours a day surfing the web, the content that they are viewing has become progressively more violent and contains more explicit material than ever before. According to the U.S. Department of Justice’s Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention and University of New Hampshire’s Crimes Against Children Research Center, a groundbreaking national survey of 1,500 youth aged 10 to 17 documented that:

    -More than one-third of youth Internet users (34%) saw “inappropriate” material online they did not want to see.

    -The increase in exposure to unwanted material occurred despite increased use of filtering, blocking, and monitoring software in households of youth Internet users.

    -Online harassment of youth has increased by 9% over the last five years.

    -28% of solicited youth said an incident left them feeling very or extremely upset and in one-quarter of all solicitation incidents, youth had one or more symptoms of stress, including staying away from the Internet or a particular part of it, being unable to stop thinking about the incident, feeling jumpy or irritable, and/or losing interest in things.

    These statistics should sound an alarm for parents concerned about their children’s development. Here’s why: For many teens Internet use has become an addiction, and, like all other addictives substances and activities, Internet addiction requires a therapeutic approach to wean its adherents away from this self-destructive behavior.

    I know it may take a slight leap of creativity to connect the Internet to drug abuse but here are the similarities: Like addiction to drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, or caffeine, Internet addiction is marked by symptoms of increasing tolerance, withdrawal, mood changes, and interruption of social relationships. Children and adolescents who have become addicted to the Internet will require increasing amounts of time online in order to feel satisfied. When they do not have access to the Internet, they may have symptoms of withdrawal, which include anxiety, depression, irritability, trembling hands, restlessness and obsessive thinking or fantasizing about the Internet.

    Independent of the depressing effects of excessive Internet use, the most devastating impact of Internet addiction may be the decreased amount of quality time teenagers have with their parents. Just like other addictions, the Internet addict probably suffers from feelings of emotional and physical isolation from his or friends and family and spends little time involved in healthy relationships which are the basis for positive emotional development.

    As I outline in my book “At Risk – Never Beyond Reach,” the lack of quality time spent with parents may also be the most significant factor leading to at-risk behavior. In fact, I once asked a group of high school juniors and seniors at a well-known Jewish day school what they felt were the most important issues teens face. These were the students’ answers according to their own ranking, starting with the most important:

    -Disappointment and anger with parents
    -Dislike of teachers
    -The intense desire to be accepted and fit in with friends
    -The desire to be adults and the fact still they were under parents’ control
    -The internal pressures of trying to develop and act on personal values as opposed to those of parents and friends
    -The powerful forces of media encouraging experimentation with sex and alcohol
    -The enormous physical and psychological changes that occur at this time of life

    Surprisingly, issues like physical changes, peer pressure, and drug use were placed low on the students’ list, whereas the issues of poor relationships with their parents and teachers were ranked highest. In general, these teenagers seemed alienated from their parents and felt that their teachers had somehow let them down. Add to this a teenager’s sense of isolation from parents and family members and the connection between Internet use and the at-crisis becomes more and more apparent.

    Study after study is showing that the relationship is the key to at risk crisis and the Internet may be pushing teenagers further away from maintaining healthy relationships with their parents. For example, a comprehensive research brief published by Child Trends, entitled Parent-Teen Relationships and Interactions Far More Positive Than Not, showed a direct correlation between the quality of the parent-teen relationship and the impact the relationship has on a teenager’s life.

    Similar conclusions were also reached by two other studies: a Columbia University study in September 2002, found that “isolation from parents make affluent students more likely to become depressed, and to smoke, drink and abuse drugs,” ⁸ and a National Institute on Drug Abuse 1999 study showed that “Family-focused programs have been found to significantly reduce all the major risk domains and increase protective processes” and that “even those [families] with indicated ‘hard-core’ problems can benefit from family-strengthening strategies.”

    In addition to the damage the Internet may cause to family relationships, excessive Internet usage can also be masking more difficult problems that teenagers are facing. It may therefore be necessary to seek outside help for a child with Internet addiction.

    How much Internet use is too much? Parents can ask the following questions that can be answered in one of three possible ways: rarely, frequently or always:

    -How often do they find that they stay online longer than they intended?
    -How often do they form new relationships with unknown fellow online users?
    -How often do their grades suffer because of the amount of time they spend online?
    -How often do they find themselves anticipating when they will go online again?
    -How often do they choose to spend more time on-line rather going out with others?

    If they answer “frequently” or “always” to at least four out of the five questions, then it may be a sign that they are hooked into the Internet and could use some help to wean themselves away from constant use.

    How can I wean my teen off the Internet?

    How can parents break the addiction? Here are some suggestions that may change the frequency and duration of time your child spends online.

    The first suggestion is for parents to end their child’s isolation and check up on them every 15 minutes to see what they are watching. They can also surf together with the child on various sites and turn “alone” time into “family” time. Better yet, parents and children can work on a joint project. A creative idea is to google your family name and explore your genealogy. Another may be to plan a family trip together and look for places and special deals online. The trick is to come up with something fun and engaging that places both you and your child in the same environment.

    While you sit together in front of the computer screen, you could casually discuss some of the dangers of the Internet and the sites that may be damaging to their emotional well being. A good place to start is to discuss the dangers of chat rooms and to speak openly about who may be online and what possible predators may be looking for.

    Another helpful strategy is to gently wean your child away from the Internet. If, for example, your child surfs for two hours a night, you can make the first move by saying, “I think surfing every night for two hours is too much. You can keep on surfing, but from now on, you can pick three nights a week if you want to go online. Which night do you prefer? It’s your choice.” You don’t have to abruptly cut off all Internet use; rather you can start by limiting their constant exposure and empower them with a choice of when they want to be online.

    Many parents seem apprehensive about butting in on their teen’s computer time. I have found however that when someone is hooked online and asked to cut back they may be initially reluctant, but in the end they will be thankful to you for reducing their dependence. Often teens get carried away and will appreciate someone that can help them renew their sense of balance and proportion.

    By far, the most effective tool against Internet addiction is to schedule quality time with your child away from the computer. That means parents should schedule with their teens a “date” each week where they spend enjoyable time together. Taking a walk together to the park, going out to eat, ice skating, volunteering, doing Chesed, learning a hobby, or just throwing a ball around are some of the activities that make life fun and bind families together.

    When life gets hectic and time is limited, you can spend a few minutes alone just schmoozing in a quiet room of your house – without a computer or video screen. Most importantly during your “dates,” try to talk about matters that they think are important. What matters most is to give your teenager a feeling that he or she is the most important person in the world. These moments of relationship building can give your child the proper amount of emotional nourishment needed to end their dependence and wean themselves off the addictive effects of the Internet.

    As Rabbi Abraham Twerski points out in the introduction to my book, At Risk – Never Beyond Reach, “It has been shown that the single most effective intervention for the widest variety of teen and adolescent problems was also the easiest, speediest, and least expensive: The implementation of family mealtimes.” This is because family mealtime fosters relationships. If your child is spending their entire evening surfing the web, then there’s no way he is gaining the positive benefits of quality time with his family.


    Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, is a marriage and family therapist and maintains a private practice in Brooklyn. He is the author of “At Risk – Never Beyond Reach”. To make an appointment call 646 428 4723, email: [email protected] or visit www.JewishMarriageSupport.com


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    52 Comments
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    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    13 years ago

    With a larger percentage of information moving from hard copy to online sources, it is essential for our bochurim to be able to access the internet with appropriate filters in place. Within a few years, it will be virtually impossible to become educated, develop job skills and be able to function effectively in a global economy without internet access. Basic learning skills, banking and billpay functions, While we cannot eliminate all risks that go along with the internet, many of those same risks exist today in other media forms. Those rabbonim who oppose all internet use are either ignorant of the needs of modern society or have chosen to sentence their followers to a lifetime of functional illiteracy and limited participation in the job-market in the misguided name of c’v avoiding ANY exposure to inappropriate images. A parnassah for a lifetime should trump such exaggerated concerns regarding “inappropriate” images.

    13 years ago

    Got it. The At-Risk Crisis is EVERYONE’S (and everything’s) fault except our own. As long as we blame external factors instead of looking at ourselves, this problem is going to get worse.

    joojy
    joojy
    13 years ago

    I think a married adult with internet addiction can be much worse and have much more serious consequences than a teen with an internet addiction.
    A married adult has dependents – children and wife – people that RELY and TRUST him or her.
    A teen has no dependents. If he makes a bad decision, goes to bad websites, be it pornographic, gambling (not in the US) etc. then nu nu he ruins himself and embarrasses his family. – -Doesn’t compare to the consequences of a married adult with kids doing the same actions
    Yes, I know that this article is dealing specifically with teens but i think an article on Adult Addiction should come first

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    13 years ago

    Reply to No. 3

    I don’t know what college you are going to (perhaps some vocational school) but if you are doing “all your research from books” you probably will not be able to get a job as short order cook, My kids are in college and in several courses, ALL the course materials are only available online. Most college libraries don’t even subscribe to hard copy journals anymore so all the reseach must be done on the internet. Most college students are also required to do various projects which require the use of software applications some of which also is only available online. If you don’t understand “why a bochur needs to do research online” you must live in a cave.

    speakup
    speakup
    13 years ago

    how about an honest and painful answer as to why we allow many of our children to be educated in yeshivas where the rebbiies still believe in hitting/beating/slapping students?! don’t believe it happens? Just ask your kids, especially the boys in more right wing yeshivas. if you choose to ignore this epidemic in some of the most religious schools, don’t be surprised to see these “at risk” youth acting out, smoking, surfing the net excessively, hanging out with the wrong crowd………………. it’s their only escape!.

    AKIVAF
    AKIVAF
    13 years ago

    GuardYourEyes.org is an excellent frum web site to help those addicted to the Internet.

    13 years ago

    it definitly doesnt help his growth, but ppl today use it as an excuse for rotton upbringing and treatment

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    13 years ago

    Most airlines today only book tickets online or charge extra for a telephone ticket. My doctor’s office schedules appointments online. We vote online. Our friends in EY call us via sykpe which is computer-based long distance calls. My wife’s mikvah calendar is online. We learn about changes in hashgacha for kosher products on line. What idiot would say that yiddeshe bochurim (or girls since the issue is the same) don’t need to use the internet?

    memyself
    memyself
    13 years ago

    #11 I say so. (& i’m not an idiot, even though you’re entitled to your [bigoted] opinion)

    All the examples you listed either don’t apply to bochurim, or their parents would be more than happy to do it for them, instead of having their kids on the web.

    PchaFresser
    PchaFresser
    13 years ago

    Getting rid of the internet is the stupidest possible thing to do. The internet is the best place to look for information on how to treat addictions.

    stamazoy
    stamazoy
    13 years ago

    it’s very sad. my younger brother used to like spending time with family and friends. now all he does is go online and stay online for hours on end. i never see him. he’s not interested in anything else. how am i supposed to raise children in a society where everything is chained to the internet? we can choose what to allow into our homes but there is a lot of negative influence outside our doors. we can do little to prevent it from penetrating.

    missyid
    missyid
    13 years ago

    The internet is not the cause of these problems, it is a symptom. When kids are lost and feel displaced and lack quality relationships with parents and teachers, that is when they need to seek out other things to fulfill them. Drugs, alcohol, inappropriate relationships that often confuse love with sex and anything extreme (extreme internet use) they become addicted to to fill the hole they feel. It never fills the hole and they keep seeking new, unhealthy things.

    memyself
    memyself
    13 years ago

    #19 so you’re telling me a 15-16 year old can control his impulses, huh? lifnei iver loi sitein
    michshoil.
    p.s. you’re not an idiot,you either just have a personal agenda, or are entrapped by your Y”H completely!

    memyself
    memyself
    13 years ago

    & as s/1 who’s been on the web as a bachur, I can honestly tell you I wish I had NEVER gone on (no, not because i’ve gotten into trouble, which I haven’t….yet 😉

    13 years ago

    There is very little in this article that says it applies specifically to Jewish teenagers, other than the VIN supplied headline. It is only at the end where he talks about chesed that there is anything remotely speaking specifically to jews (And that is because he used the word chesed, ,not because of the concept).

    These issues affect all teenagers. I am sure his study information is from a general sample of teenagers and not just jewish teenagers. At – risk is not only a jewish concept.

    The truth is that this impacts all teenagers. Internet issues are not the only reason that kids are at risk. That is not what the writer is saying. He is informing you that there are issues that arise from internet addiction and exposure to unsavory content on the internet (Including shmutz and apikorsus). Denying that is much more naive and, frankly, dangerous, than saying that there are no legitimate uses for the internet.

    Great, you find some seforim on the internet, does that make unbridled usage good?

    How many people only use the internet to book tickets or look up a sefer on line?

    How accurate is information that is solely researched on the internet?

    Butterfly
    Butterfly
    13 years ago

    If you own a computer you can easily control everybody in your home. You can install software to block any site you do not want to go to or you do not want your children to go to!! It is easily done. Spend the money!! An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!!! You all go to the dr. at least once a year — don’t you?? Install this — or have your computer man block the sites for you!!

    memyself
    memyself
    13 years ago

    #34 I got a few points, to be brief:
    1.why do you post ‘anonymous’, just use a pen name so I know who i’m talking to.

    2.what you said about your affair with the Y”H is quite true, unfortunately
    , as you are trying to impose your ‘american’ views on a frum website.
    3.except for name-calling & ‘sending me back to the shtetl’, you haven’t said anything.
    4.I’m still waiting for 1 legit reason teens need the web.
    5. I feel sorry for you (& your kids) if you consider a 15yr old ‘locked up’ just because he can’t access the web…

    13 years ago

    reply to #’s 19 34 36 37 38
    Are you so naive to believe that you can actually use the internet and won’t stumble (acc. to jewish law by just viewing inappropriate words or pictures you have dully accomplished, (for sure) being “Over” on the “Issurim” of “Lo Sasuru Acharay Levavchem Vacharay Ayneychem” and “Lifney Iver Lo Sitain Michshal”) Do you really claim that it is possible (Even with every filteration program installed) to not one time view something inappropriate even by mistake (meaning of mistake: Not on purpose or against one’s will)???
    No one can claim that the internet does not have thousands of Sefarim, Shiurim, and a million other great Toradika web sites that are extremely practical and conveinient. However what the frum Yidden (Not to mention most people in the world) are complaining about and worried about is the fact that albeit there is much good on line there is also even more bad. And not only is there bad but the bad is being put on by Psycotic and disgusting human beings (if i may even call them that) whose prime goal is to spread these disgusting web sites to everyone (including the naive people who assume that buying a

    13 years ago

    reply to #’s 19 34 36 37 38 cont.
    …filttiration program will solve all problems) because their goals are to make sure you connect to their pages by using unfilttered key words to connect you to horrible pages.
    Furthermore you must remember that however computer savvy you think you are and your kids aren’t, well sorry to break the news but your average teen knows a lot more about bypassing filters and hideing pages visited a lot better then you’ll ever know!!!
    IN SUMMATION: Although no can deny the helpfulness and practicality of the internet the Dangers that come with it is equal or greater! Therefore what the Rabbonim are announcing is NOT that the internet is not practical or helpful even but rather that the dangers of it are commonplace that any inteligent and responsible adult needs to balance and weigh the pro’s and con’s of having access to everything in the world before he or she blindly jumps of the cliff hopeing that they will survive!(and just remember that although you may survive the fall but you’ll still get all scratched up:)

    13 years ago

    Children! Let’s smell the coffee. The internet is here to stay. Now let’s deal with it. With all the legitimate reasons to ban it, it is simply impossible. There are already many normal functions that require access. Soon more will be there. We need to address the establishment of appropriate controls.

    1.Can we manage to have internet only at work? Many can do this. Good idea.
    2. If the computer is at home, can it be located in a public location? Not foolproof, but also good.
    3. Filtering. There are many options. Examine which is right for you.
    4. Monitoring. Again, many options. Which is best for you.
    5. Education. We need to teach our children (as parents and mechanchim) about internet safety (from predators and from yetzer horoh).
    6. Acquaint children with the kosher aspects of internet. Let them learn that the computer can be used for kedusha.
    7. We must have close and open relationships with our children.
    8. All the risks of internet are equal, and sometimes more relevant to adults.

    memyself
    memyself
    13 years ago

    to: ‘me & my YH’
    #42

    1. thank you
    2.stop nit-picking, you get the point.
    3.kudos to you for being mechanech your kids so nicely – but the fact is, the % of ‘independent teens’ is higher in american society.
    4.you still haven’t brought up a ‘specific example’. (of a teen’s need 4 the web)
    & BTW I wouldn’t let my 15yr old drive my car until I convince myself that he understands the responsibility/dangers involved.
    5. what type of so-called ‘yeshiva’ do you send your kids to, that they are ashamed of not having web? do they give seminars on sports, etc. so no one should chv”sh be left behind? to paraphrase youself – ‘it does not make your child inherent bad, it makes your yeshiva a bad jewish educational institution.’

    memyself
    memyself
    13 years ago

    #52 I think you’re missing an important point, we’re talking about 15yr olds who are dependent on our decisions – not about YOU.
    & there’s no merit in putting yourself into a situation that demands self-control 4 no good reason…IMHO I don’t see why a teen NEEDS the web.