New York – Arranged marriages are far more likely to lead to lasting affection than marriages of passion, experts claim.
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According to research, those in arranged marriages – or who have had their partner chosen for them by a parent or matchmaker – tend to feel more in love as time grows, whereas those in regular marriages feel less in love over time.
And within ten years, the connection felt by those in arranged marriages is said to be around twice as strong.
Relationship experts claim this is because arranged matches are carefully considered, with thought going into whether potential partners’ families, interests and life goals are compatible.
This means they are more likely to commit for life – and to stick together through rocky patches.
Those who marry for love, on the other hand, tend to be blinded by passion and so overlook these crucial details.
When the going gets tough, they are more likely to view the situation simply as a natural end to their romantic dream – a way of fate telling them something is wrong with the relationship.
With soaring divorce rates and record numbers of single-parent households in the West, researchers suggest it is time to rethink the Western approach to love. Harvard academic Dr Robert Epstein has studied the subject of arranged marriages for eight years, looking at the approaches taken in cultural groups including Indian, Pakistani and Orthodox Jewish.
He has interviewed more than 100 couples in arranged marriages. His work suggests that feelings of love in love matches begin to fade by as much as a half in 18 months, whereas the love in the arranged marriages tends to grow gradually, surpassing the love in the unarranged marriages at about the five-year mark.
Ten years on, the affection felt by those in arranged marriages is typically twice as strong.
Francine Kaye, relationship expert and author of The Divorce Doctor, added: “There is an awful lot to be said for arranged marriages. They are determined to make it work.
“I have seen in arranged marriages in the Orthodox Jewish community that the parents very carefully look at compatibility – it is not left to chance. They do their homework on their characteristics, their values, morals and life goals.
“There is a downside to arranged marriages though – no matter how pragmatic you are in choosing a partner, there always needs to be chemistry.”
“Vayikach es Rivkah, vate’hi lo le’ishah, vaye’e’hove’ha.” Bereishis 24:67.
First comes marriage, then comes love.
They asked a hundred random couples, “would you re-marry your spouse tonight”, and please don’t think of the kids when answering, it’s just your spouse and you, the kids aren’t around yet. Whilst 8 couples responded positively, without to much hesitancy, 11 said “no” and the other 81 couples were silent. Go figure.
In an arranged marriage, you feel like “hey what the heck. This is what I got let’s make it work”. In a goyishidike marriage, you are always left wondering “did I make the right choice?”
This is old news. Those who opt for arranged marriages don’t hang out with guys or gals beforehand. It’s all new to the new couple and the excitement of “dating” actually begins with the marriage. The young marrieds are giddy with love for one another and are discovering things about each other in the course of their marriage rather than on noncommittal dates. The seriousness of the status of the relationship makes theirs a mature love that grows deeper with time, rather than the obsessive kind that is based on infatuation and fades as the boy / girl mature.
Based on this study, I highly suspect that meeting multiple times, lasting a few hours each (such as the litvish crowd does) does not improve the overall relationship after marriage.
It’s so true, by non Jews over 80% of marriages are divorced, and even by Jews those who date expire like “dates”, those who follow tora’s way suceed, cuz they mean partner more then them selves. Period.
You need to be the type of person to be able to accept arrange marriages. Also, if you grow up with TV, internet, etc., it is more difficult. If you come from a very chassidish family, easier to to.
It never ceases to amaze me how quick we frum yidden are to gloat and bury our heads in the sand. There are countless frum divorced couples, who married through arranged marriages. To stay happily married and have the love “grow” a couple has to constantly work on their marriage. This rule applies whether the marriage is the result of a shidduch, or a “goyishdike” marriage. Let’s stop fooling ourselves please!
The reason why arranged marriages work (for the most part) is because the couples are very young and sheltered and trusting of their parents decisions.
We got married at 19 yrs old and are happily married for the last 20yrs (our daughter is married too, 19 years old)
However I freely admit that had my parents waited until I turned 21, I wouldn’t have accepted an arranged marriage.
im all for shiddichim, but part of this is because we who have arranged marriages discourage divorce. hindus, muslims, and us yidden all look down on it, we might not forbid it, but gets are not handed out left and right
“Love” is not an acceptable term in the frum veldt. The frummer will tell you that one does not marry for love or stay married for love. Love is for the goyim. Mitzvos is for the yidden.
It may also be due to the personality of who wants to have an arranged marriage. Perhaps these people ask for less in life or are more satisfied when others wont be.
All lot of it has to do with the culture and values of the community. In countries/communities were it is acceptable
to get divorced people do so, even if they had an arranged marriage. In places were divorced is frowned on, look at Catholic countries in south America for example, people get divorced less.
It’s so true, I am a litvish boy who had to date by myself, it is really hard, and the results were bad, rather follow those who have arranged, and for those who say that love is not a Yiddish thing probably dosnt have shalom bayis, cuz open a Rambam and you’l see it explained. Thanks
Regarding “chemistry” – if the couple says yeuch, it’s over. Of course there has to be a certain amount of attraction, but unless they are revolted by each other the shidduch is worth pursuing. No one is perfect: trophy wives work very hard to keep thin & their plastic surgeons love them. As for the rest- a few kids & even the most gorgeous girl puts on a few pounds & looks frazzled like her dowdier neighbor. Men can go bald & paunchy & sometimes, broke!
A big part of the attraction should be the character of a person. At the end of the day, is this the the person you see yourself having breakfast with for the next 60 years? If you shudder in horror, then this person isn’t for you.
On the whole the system works.
It all depends on what you mean by a marriage having “worked”.
If you mean that it has worked because they haven’t got divorced, that isn’t a fair comparison. It is much more difficult to divorce in the frum world due all sorts of societal pressures.
Also, if you go through life / marriage conditioned to have low personal expectations, you will quite easily meet those expectations. Doesn’t neccesarily mean that you have had a succesful marriage – it just means that you didn’t really expect to get much from it.
In short, you are comparing apples and oranges.
I’m reminded of a story that happened some time ago with a chashuve gadol in Israel. He happened to find himself with secular jews, and before he knew what’s happening they were verbally attacking him on several fronts regarding Chareidim.
During the course of the debate they started poking fun about the way in which we get engaged without knowing each other well. Not being intimidated by them, he answered in a very smart way. When you guys get engaged, you’re on your best behavior, you’re out to impress, walking on egg shells, only showing the bright side. As soon as you get married not even a day later, everything comes shooting out all at once. The not so bright side starts coming out, with the expected results!
He continued, by us we know very little about one another when we get married, we are still uncomfortable enough to be on good behavior. As time passes by the weak points come out together with the strong points, and we learn that no one is perfect which sets the ground for a strong marriage!
They were left speechless and shamefaced!
The main reason these couples stay together is because of the communual and family pressures to stay together. These marriages only take place in societies that if you are divorced you are considered worse than a leper, therefore couples are forced to stay in bad marriages rather than be outcasts in their community.
By none yidden 25% are unhappily married and the other 75% are happily devorced
The gemorah says care for your wife more then yourself.
excuse me for going in to detail. As a perspective of an husband When there is good piece of cake or chocolate etc you leave it for your wife
follow the Torahs ethics and you are good…
all of you amateur psychologists and marriage counselors are hysterical in your pontificating and your ridiculous opinions.
If you don’t have the self-confidence to find your own wife and let someone else choose one for you, where would you get the self-confidence to divorce her if you’re unhappy?
Talk all you want about Yaakov and others. The truth is that most of today’s yingerleit are not educated or mature enough to know how to find a wife, or a job, or do anything by themselves. So they marry the woman picked out by their family, move into an apartment and drive a car their parents and in-laws paid for, start making babies, and if they work, they are given a job, or even a business by their father in law.
They wouldn’t last ten minutes in the real world.