New York – How do shadchanim, both professional and dabblers in the field, think? What methods do they use to present possible shidduchim to would-be clients? The shidduch crisis has certainly been a dominant theme of conversation in religious Jewish circles. This article represents an attempt to help address the crisis in a small way. The best way to address it, however, is to explore exactly how we think about shidduchim.
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A brief survey reveals that there are no fewer than six different methods employed by shadchanim. What follows is a brief synopsis of each of these methods. Following the synopsis will be a modest suggestion.
1. The “working memory” method. It seems that many shadchanim have about five or six candidates of each gender in their working memory. Working memory is defined as the information that the person can access immediately. Often the shadchan will choose the best available candidate in his or her working memory that would be compatible with the person the shadchan is currently thinking about.
2. The “just bumped into the other person” method. Often a shadchan (generally among the dabblers) will have met a person of the opposite gender right before they encountered the person they are now discussing. The shadchan will often view this as a directional signal of sorts from above and will attempt to put together the shidduch on this account. What is interesting to note is that the method is often successful.
3. The “similar nuance or trait” method. At times the shadchan’s subconscious mind will notice a trait, a nuance, or even a turn of phrase that both candidates share. This similarity, in the shadchan’s mind, will cause him to put both of them together, for some reason. This too is a method that will often produce results. By the same token, a shadchan may put two people together because they share a similar struggle or difficulty.
4. The “first person that pops into the head” method. A shadchan will at times have a name pop into his or her head in what seems to be an out-of-the-blue idea. It is unclear, exactly, how this mechanism actually works. When questioned, the shadchan cannot identify why he or she thought of it. They just did.
5. The “opposite trait” method. A shadchan (usually the professional ones do this) might often view a trait of the candidate and decide that this person requires someone with the opposite trait. The shadchan will then look for someone who exhibits that trait.
6. The “most benefit to the shadchan” method. At times a shadchan will present to his or her client a prospect that brings the shadchan the most benefit. This benefit could be a personal, family, or social benefit, or even a financial benefit. This is not necessarily a negative thing. Real-estate agents, when meeting a prospective buyer, will only show listings that they themselves have listed at the onset. There is nothing wrong with this. Shadchanim who do this are no different.
7. The “database/sort by” method. This method is a most effective one. All possible candidates are perused by the shadchan, limited only by what would be beyond the parameters that would fit the candidate in question. After this short list is determined, the shadchan will sort them by the preferences that the candidate voices. For example, if the person needs someone who is “warm and loving,” the short list of candidates in the parameter guidelines is sorted by the shadchan’s perception of this quality within them.
Addressing The Crisis.
The shidduch crisis is indeed real. Young ladies suffer from something that can be termed “the six-to-one ratio.” The particular sociological rules we follow have created this problem, notwithstanding that the total numbers of boys and girls are nearly equal. From a mathematical perspective, consider the following example:
A boy who has decided to date at the age of 24, for example, may date a wide range of girls. He can date a girl who is 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, or 24. The available pool of eligible young ladies is much larger than that of young men. Men start dating later and it is not so acceptable for a young man to marry an older girl.
This crisis calls for us as individuals to do what we can to address it. I would like to suggest that even the dabblers among us adopt method #7 along with whatever other method that we employ when thinking of shidduchim. This means that we should sit down and compile a list of all available people that we know, of both genders, so that we can best meet the needs of our fellow members of K’lal Yisrael.
Doing such a thing might be considered a hiddur mitzvah in our performance of chesed. Baruch Hashem, our community offers Torah classes. Our shuls are brimming to capacity with minyanim. These thankfully are daily occurrences. The third pillar upon which the world stands is chesed. If we were to make such a database of the single people that we know, and if we were to spend 10 to 15 minutes per day working on this database to come up with matches, we would be doing a remarkable thing.
Finding shidduchim for others is a fulfillment of the biblical commandment of Ve’ahavta lereiacha kamocha—loving our neighbor as ourselves. It is a means of coming closer to Hashem, our Father in Heaven. It is also a remarkable chesed, an act of kindness. Since chesed is one of the pillars upon which the world stands, in an almost unprecedented year of tragedy in our community such an initiative on the part of individuals might make a difference in a world in crisis.
The author can be reached at [email protected].
our people have suffered many punishments, cruelties, deprivations, etc over the years
One thing we have never suffered from is lack of “kleege eitzos”
In my experience all the Shaddchins I have dealt with all the said the same thing “I’m not like the other shaddchin who will jsut set you up with anyone”. I feel alot of them just treat the Shidduch business as numbers game, The more people they set up the more chance they have of making a match that works. Over time I have grown very distrustful of shaddchins. anyone else in the shidduch Parsha feel that way?
Rabbi Hoffman…please…stop making shadchunus a mitzvah. It was a fictional job that was created due to the 40% unemployment rate in eastern Europe.
Maybe a more constructive article would be to explain to the younger generation that they need to lower their expectations and stop looking for the “perfect” match. Maybe they should try and work on themselves, and not marry someone they think will be “perfect” or can be changed. This may also help lower the absurdly high divorce rate.
I have found that just about every “shadchan” is ignorant and for the most part, a liar. Most of them think that any single male + and single female = shidduch. A message to wanna be shadchans: Please find out EXACLTY what each young man and each young woman is looking for. Most of the resumes say nothing. And the references, for the most part, are useless. Nobody will present a reference that wont sing their praises. Having a child in the parsha, I have witnessed first hand, countless lies. They tell you everything you want to hear and lo haya, lo hove, ve’lo yiyeh.
As this article suggests, the “Shidduch Crisis” is just that – a problem of the “Shidduch” method itself – not of the singles who are yet to find their bashert. The the majority of ways shidduchim are suggested (1-6 above) have no real meaning and usually don’t work. The method that should be used to match people up – by professionals or laymen, is a clear-cut short list and match people up based on that. No its not always so simple and yes there will be many shidduchim made that did follow this way, but I agree with Rabbi Hoffman that a more scientific approach should be used.
Contrary to the opinions of other here, I have no problem with shadchanim. I used a few of them, professional and casual, in my dating years from 1989-94 they set me up with some very nice girls. Matching people up is a tough thing and I think they are doing a noble job. Its not their fault that today’s men and especially women and their parents have gone off their rockers in being selective.
By the way, if anyone knows an isha Navonah for me….Ill throw you ten thousand dollars!
“2. The ‘just bumped into the other person’ method… What is interesting to note is that the method is often successful.”
I’m just going to go ahead and pretend you didn’t say that.
Not sure what we want from Shadchanim. They try their best and usually spend hours upon hours to get a date going – in which ever method. No one is forcing anyone to use shadchanim. Those who have children in the parsha and have shadchanim issues should play the role of the shadchan themselves and if that’s too difficult than at least allow your child to setup their own dates.
There is no “shidduch crisis”. There is a parental meddling crisis coupled with a unrealistic expectation crisis and a dose of not being prepared for the real world crisis.
I am a Kohen who is an earner-learner proffesional, good looking, six feet tall, black hatter, and who probably is one of the most experienced and knowledgable people on this subject. I got married at 22 and divorced at 24. It took me 25 years after dating over 1,000 girls and spending thousands of dollars to get remarried. I am remarried 9 years B”H to a great wife 2 years older than me and we do not have children. My first wife was a nice person who came from a rabbinical family. Her sister and her had severe mental problems which I only discovered about after we were married. The professional male shaddchan, who knew the truth about my first wife was offerd big money from my first wife’s family to make the siddach. He did a great selling job to me an inexperience kid. After my divorce, since I was a kohen I was limited to who I could date. I dated every type of girl there was I never turned down a date. I felt every date was Hashem’s will. I dated girls over 6′ 7″, under 4′ 3″, heavy girls, skeletal girls. Modern Orthodox, pants girls, widows, women libbers, nasty girls, nice girls, etc. I even went to Israel for several years to date. Continued in next posting.
I finally met my second wife after 25 years of hell. I approached a married frum woman at work and asked for her help. She had a good sense about who I was and what I needed and she set me up with a girl, a bas kohen, who was never married before. We got married in 6 weeks, even though my wife is 2 years older than me. The unscrupulous Shaddchan, who set me up with my first wife was Hashem’s Shaliach. I had to suffer for some reason but that does not excuse what that shaddchan did. In my many years of personal experience I have found that most Shaddchanim are incompetent and are very incensitive to their client’s feelings. They make matches for their own egotistical reasons so they can brag to their friends I made 50 matches. However, how many of those matches ended in divorce? I have found that their goal is to get people married but their goal should actualy be to set people up who are likely to stay married. Often they try to pull a fast deal and cover up potential problems that could lead to divorce. I even broke-up 2 matches myself because I knew it would lead to divorce and both couples thanked me. I have integrity and that is what a matchmaker must have. Continued at #3.
I want to thank those few intelligent women who I met in my journey who were truly trying to help me, who were honest with me and were not out for their own pride and glory. Many times I traveled 2 hours to meet a woman who at the first moment we met it was obvious to both of us that this was not a match. She wore pants with a low cut top and I wore a black hat. I went through such experiences so many times. What was the point of the matchmaker setting us up? This is what I am referring to when I say that many Shaddchanim are self-serving incompatants. Dates like these broke my heart and the heart of the girl. I wasted time, gas. tolls, and date money. I was always a gentleman I treated every date well regardeless of how inappropriate. The Shadchan lost nothing. She must give a din vechesbon after 120 years for hurting so many people and causing a great loss of money and time. I only blame a Shadchan for knowingly mismatching couples. However, a matchmaker who is unaware of the situation should inform the client that they do not know the situation. Continued #4
Marriage is a serioius business and unfortunately many matchmakers approach matchmaking like it is a game. I would like to remind them that it has serious consequences. It could ruin people’s lives. I will never have children and grandchildren because of the deception of the Shaddchan who tricked me to marry my first wife. He will have to face Hashem after 120 years and explain why he did what he did. So you see, my dear matchmakers there are consequences to what you do. Think very hard. Think, am I being honest about matching this couple together? Could you live with yourself knowing you lied and destroied many lives and future generations? Matchmaking is not a hobby. It is very serious business and should be approached as such. It is not for the clueless to get involved it requires someone with deep human insight and undedrstanding and above all else integrity. There are many fine matchmakers out their who do a good job and I salute them. However, there are many who should find some other hobby or game to play because you can ruin lives and break hearts and should not dabble in this area. leave it to people who are more adept at this art. It felt good to bare my heart Thanks.
I think a big problem is that many shadchanim set up what makes sense for the families and not for the boy or girl. Money with money,rabbis with rabbis,etc. Also what do you consider a shadchan that lies to you about height and weight?? (Not by an inch or 5 pounds) or a shadchan that sends you an sms telling you the boy/girl doesn’t want to continue dating after your forth date without an explanation why! Or a shadchan that tells you “I’m sorry there is nobody out there for you” what kind of hope does that give to a 30 year old woman or a 35 year old man?? Maybe many shadchanim try there best(and its not easy) and we appreciate it but there is a WAY to do and say things,so maybe before our rabbis and community leaders direct the singles on how to date and what to look for they should guide some shadchanim how to act and deal with every situation properly! One last thing…I think its terrible that some people get “labeled” as a picky/choosy person after they date for a year or so! Especially when it comes from a shadchan that “gives” up on him/her. Just because the shadchan wasn’t successful with this particular person doesn’t mean he/she is picky,just apologize by saying you tried your best and pass the name on to a different shadchan!
first of all, I’m very curious as to how the author knows that the “just bumped into the other person” method if often successful- I presume some shadchanim told him. More problematic is the author’s categorization of a guy dating an older girl as “not so acceptable”. Obviously the author isn’t the originator of that nonsense, but it bothers me to see it echoed here. Maybe changing some of these silly shidduchim rules would be an intelligent start to dealing with the ‘sidduch crisis’
I am guy & I am in late 20s & still looking, but my experience with shadchanim is mixed. There were a few very good ones which take it professionally & work very hard to make a good match. Unfortunately, I feel there a lot of shadchanim who are lack elementary common sense, very incompetent & rude and only reason they are doing is for the gelt. As far as references, they would be beneficial for Yeshiva crowd, as someone already mention, to make sure that the future partner has right hashafos.
The issue of shadchanim is a touchy one and will therefore generate a broad myriad of opinions. Truth of the matter is that we should examine the facts- A shadchan is no more than an agent like a real estate agent. He has his info and will try to close a deal. It is in his benefit that all sides are happy and satisfied with the outcome in order that he may have a future flow of customers. One cannot make generalizations- there are those just out for the $$$ and others who have scruples. Any proposed match has to be checked out thouroughly by the family/choson/callah- just like someone should visit an aprtment which he’s interested in renting to see if the plumbing is OK, the tiles are in order,there are no past bills, etc. If you want to be hesitating in believing the shadchan- check things out for yourself! Don’t depend on him- but IMO they are doing a great service and deserve every penny they get, unless they complicate things which are otherwise going well. Life has many lessons and shadchan stories can be among the abundant ones, but let’s be both tolerant of shidduchim and shadchonim a well.
Who cancelled the gemorrah’s declared “most joyous yom tov” Tu (15) be-Av, when our boys and girls were ordained to meet WITHOUT shadchanim, Rabbonim, etc? Has Yaakov Aveenu meeting Rachel Imainu at the well been declared pritzus? Exactly who overrode our Holy Torah and Gemmorah?
I knew a family in Baltimore who were lied to by the shadchan who told them the guy was 23 years old and on that basis they allowed him to meet their 18 year old, fresh to the dating scene, daughter. They found out only after 8 dates that he was in fact 28 years old. They never would have allowed the two to meet had they known the truth. Today they are delighted with their son-in-law. When I asked them if they had a grudge against the shadchan for lying to them they just didn’t know how to answer that question. So go figure.