Jerusalem – Guide for Chasanim Infuriates Many

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    Jerusalem – An instructional brochure handed out to grooms-to-be by the Jerusalem Religious Council has infuriated many men, who found it to be extremely chauvinistic.

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    The brochure was distributed to future grooms, both religious and secular, as part of a compulsory class on marriage given at the council’s offices.

    While it seems that the brochure aims to encourage husbands to respect their wives and help them with the household chores, some of the recommendations included are rather questionable.

    “Don’t let a day go by without complimenting your wife at least five times… say it even if it’s a lie. A woman who hasn’t been complimented is like a fish out of the water,” the brochure reads.

    The writers also recommend that stay away from the women’s parents, because it maintains that mother-in-laws tend to meddle in a couple’s affairs and can ruin the relationship.

    In another section, the leaflet argues that “the woman is like clay. The husband can shape and mold her as he pleases, because it’s in her nature to help the husband. All that’s needed is a kind word.”

    But it later warns: The husband must not become “spineless”: “If she’s disrespectful you must not give in. You can get angry and stop talking to her until she realizes she was wrong.”

    Nevertheless, the writers stress that a husband must buy his wife presents and flowers, and never criticize her cooking.
    “The woman is not your servant and must not be made to feel she is.”

    One shocked groom said, “I couldn’t believe that such messages can still get published in this day and age. The State should make sure that the instructions given on its behalf are modern and appropriate for all streams.”

    MK Uri Orbach (Habayit Hayehudi), who received several complaints on the matter, said: “The gap between the good intentions and the style of the brochure is so deep that it makes you want to cry.

    “The people who distribute this brochure fail to understand that not everything that might be suitable for distribution in Mea Shearim can be handed out to any groom who wants a Jewish wedding. I intend to ask the Jerusalem religious Council to revise the brochure in accordance with the true spirit of Judaism,” he concluded.


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    56 Comments
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    esther
    esther
    14 years ago

    it’s not sitable for mea sharim either.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    Welcome to a world where feminism has all walking on egg shells. It presents a contradiction, this brochure. It’s nothing compared to the real day to day. Fortunately there is a better guide for both a kallah and a chosson and it’s called Bereshis. Both should find time to study it, in depth, with the commentaries. Then both should tell meddlers of all stripes to go and jump in a lake.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    actually I agree with everything on the brochure, where can I get a copy please?

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    If someone denies that the whole life of a women – even the smartest – is complements, then they never visit this planet!!

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    not only isn’t it suitable for mea shearim its not suitable for a goy. does it even mention in there that a man should go to work to support his family and buying flowers just doesn’t cut it?

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    This comment made me laugh.
    ” “the woman is like clay. The husband can shape and mold her as he pleases”
    In the US it is usually the woman who tries to reshape the man. Trying to mold a spouse is not a good idea. If you don’t like the way a person is, then don’t the person.

    kingsley
    kingsley
    14 years ago

    The Torah says “Vhuu Yimshal Boh” But that should be limited to religious issues such as Chinuch but she should be given the respect of consultation.. Throw these Brochures away and dedicate your lives to loving, respecting , caring and sharing each other and the Third person —Your Marriage. The rest is all garbage except for a Bayis nemon B’yisroel…Inlaws shpimlaws -love and respect each other the others don”t count if they don’t understand that.. If u don’t respect and love each other GET DIVORCED AND FIND SOMEONE U CAN SHARE ALL THOSE THINGS WITH! LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE MISERABLY AND NOT HAPPY! DON”T MUDDLE THRU!!! BE HAPPY!

    Big Masmid
    Big Masmid
    14 years ago

    where can I get 10,000 copies do I can burn it on Kikar HaShabbos

    m.s.
    m.s.
    14 years ago

    who is the author of this book?

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    This is what happens to a country politically beholden to religious fanatics—a marriage brochure right out of the 19th century; a soldier fighting for her country who has orthodox religious views that she doesn’t wish to follow shoved down her throat; a government minister who publicly insults his constituents and threatens not to obey a legitimite court order—and that’s from just the last couple days. Importing ignorance and closed minds from the religious sphere to the governmental, especially when those views are not even shared by the majority, is a recipe for disaster.

    Heart of chocolate
    Heart of chocolate
    14 years ago

    If only it was given to me 38 years ago when I got married, things would have been much……….

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    Reminds me of All for the Boss where the housekeeper’s fiance said to the Shains, in order to impress them, “I will only beat her when she is bad.”

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    I Dont Know About You But We’re Very Happy Married And My Wife Is Happy To Be Like Clay And Be Molded To Think The Way I Do Etc. Also Everyone Knows That All It Takes To Have A Happy Wife Is To Compliment And Respect Her , CUZ THATS WHAT WOMAN WANT. !

    The truth hurts !
    The truth hurts !
    14 years ago

    The truth hurts in this day and age !

    Tell me a woman doesn’t thrive on compliments? My wife loves when I notice what she is wearing etc. She is top executive in a Fortune 500 corporation. Hey, even a lipstick lesbian thrives on a compliment from her manly girlfriend.

    What women doesn’t enjoy receiving flowers? My wife smiles like she won a lotto when I bring her roses !!! She is top executive in a Fortune 500 corporation.

    What woman doesn’t enjoy compliments for cooking a meal in the kitchen? If I don’t tell her how wonderful it is she is angry and refuses to speak to me. She is top executive in a Fortune 500 corporation.

    Any Questions ???

    izzy
    izzy
    14 years ago

    what are they thinking treat your wife well? This is not suitable for chardim.

    The truth hurts !
    The truth hurts !
    14 years ago

    Did you hear that a Zedeh and Bubbeh were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary with the whole mishpucha. The family gathered and asked what was their secret to a long prosperous marriage? The Zedeh replied that the answer is simple. When they were married they agreed that he would decide all important questions and she would handle all the minor questions that arose in the marriage. Well he said, there was never an important question that ever arose in 50 Years for him to decide !!! Imagine that?

    Sir Bob
    Sir Bob
    14 years ago

    My wife didn’t make dinner this evening, so I lied and said it tasted great… do you think she will notice?

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    Okay, okay. There are complaints about just how universal the guidance can be. Perhaps there is validity to this. But one must applaud the fact that there was an attempt to provide guidance to chasanim and kallos. More often than not, each party has a teacher – for halachos of taharas hamishpocho. There is seldom, if ever, any discussion or direction on how to treat a spouse. The Steipler Gaon ZT”L noted that this direction is critical, as a bochur who has spent his years leading up to marriage having a relationship with a “shtender” is expectedly clueless on how to relate to a woman. The values of love and respect for a spouse are Torah values, not products of secular influences. The “Hu Yimshol Boch” certainly does not refer to anything that tolerates abusiveness or degradation.

    For anyone that has involvement in shalom bayis issues, it clear that one fundamental flaw in the troubled marriage is the lack of respect and love. Such partners get into power struggles, and every argument is about victory, which the Chofetz Chaim described as “ta’avas nitzachon”, not the context of the disagreement. And when either of the two stays stuck in believing that they are demanding “ratzon Hashem” by seeking to win, there is major and tragic loss.

    I have not read this booklet, and there may well be plenty there that can be found objectionable. But at least someone is aware that there is more to marriage than hilchos niddah. If there are issues with the content of this booklet, I hope that someone takes it and revises it accordingly.

    MENDY
    MENDY
    14 years ago

    Where can I find one of those women who is like clay and can be molded. Sounds like that would make a perfect wife. Do they only have such in Israel or can I find one here in Brooklyn?

    One of 'em
    One of 'em
    14 years ago

    And I had to figure out all that by myself

    Oy Gevald
    Oy Gevald
    14 years ago

    There already is a guide-book on marriage. It is called “The First Year of Marriage: Enhancing the Success of Your Marriage Right from the Start — And Even Before It Begins” by Rabbi Dr. Abraham J., Twerski. Any parent who allows their child to get married without reading this book is in effect allowing them to “shoot in the dark” and make mistakes that novices do. If you haven’t read it yourself yet, hurry and do so. You will be amazed! Amazon carries it, as well as all your local Hebrew bookstores.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    A woman who can be molded like playdough? Perfect for the boys who haven’t matured past kindergarten!

    monseyBoy
    monseyBoy
    14 years ago

    I was taught- respect her compliment her and beat her when she doesn’t listen…. you’ll both live long and happy

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    Everyone, male and female, likes compliments if they are sincere. Both males and females need some acknowledgement, praise and thanks. To suggest this is a just a feminine feature is silly. Ask any manager — it’s important to acknowledge and praise the work of both male and female employees. Everyone needs a pat on the back.

    Best Husband
    Best Husband
    14 years ago

    Feminis’m is the biggest curse to a jewish marriage ,or any marriage for that matter it is against human nature and a contradiction what is said in parshas bereishis

    PMO
    PMO
    14 years ago

    I’ve been staring at the comments in here for the better part of a half hour. I even had to go back and re-read some. I can’t believe that there is a possiblity that I know or associate with some of the people who commented here.

    Phrases like “My Wife Is Happy To Be Like Clay And Be Molded To Think The Way I Do” are just shocking. Odds are, if you are in a marriage where you honestly believe your wife is to be so subservient as to be “molded” by you… you are probably in an abusive marriage and YOU are the abuser. If not, you are minimally in an unhealthy marriage.

    No woman wants to be “molded”. Women want to be appreciated as your parner in building a family. Women want to learn WITH their husbands… not be told want to do like training a dog! Where the heck did this all go so horribly wrong?

    Trust me… if you want a happy marriage… don’t listen to these idiots for one second! When you actually take the time to KNOW your wife, you will learn what she likes and does not like. You will learn when a “thank you” or a compliment is appropriate. Your wife is there to be the backbone of your family. She holds you up as much as she does the children. Don’t ever forget it.

    That being said… is it so hard to pick up flowers on the way home from work once in a while? Isn’t she at home cleaning YOUR dirty laundry, preparing the foods she knows that YOU like, helping YOUR kids with their homework, cleaning up YOUR messes, scrubbing YOUR bathroom, etc.??? How any man has the right to complain about having to show his wife a little gratitude is well beyond me.

    My guess is the only ones complaining are selfish, immature little boys who weren’t looking for a wife… they were looking for someone to worship them like a second mommy!

    And to those that fit this category, GROW UP ALREADY! You are not the special angel who can do no wrong that your mommy always said you were. You married someone to build a family with, not someone to replace your mommy. I can assure you that your wife does not think you are half the “catch” that YOU and your mommy think you are, and neither does anyone else. Your wife is your 50-50 partner in life. If you don’t see it that way, you should not be married… you are only making the poor woman miserable.

    berel
    berel
    14 years ago

    #20 the gemmorah says ‘ohavoh kegifo vmechabdo yoser migifo’ ‘love her like yourself and treat her (respect her?) more than yourself

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    “Any Questions ???”

    Yeah; what does your wife do?

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    Any yiddeshe leader (whether a rav or someone in a position of authority) who issues drech such as this suggesting that women should be subordinate to their husbands should be removed immediately from any responsibilty for issuing such guidance. It is one of the biggest chilul hashems to suggest that there is not equality between the genders. The core beliefs of yiddn are based on equality not feminism or “masculinism”.

    moish
    moish
    14 years ago

    “You can get angry and stop talking to her until she realizes she was wrong” from my experience this only works the other way round!!

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    The famous saying applies here:
    A man marries a woman thinking she will never change and she does
    A woman marries a man thinking she will change him and fails.

    This is so true in 90% of marriages that it is truly a miracle that the frum divorce rate is so low.

    Shlomo Zalman
    Shlomo Zalman
    14 years ago

    The reason this drek gets printed and distributed is that the obscurantist primitive chareidim have taken over the Jerusalem Religious Council and have eliminated logic, reason and emotional sensitivity from everyday use. These are the results of letting these morons stick their noses into the public sector.

    Big Masmid
    Big Masmid
    14 years ago

    good idea if my husband would complement me atleast once a day

    misterzee
    misterzee
    14 years ago

    23 years of blessed marraige with the most wonderful girl in the world,makes me feel real sorry for all those losers out there.Why did my wife marry me?because on a third date i proposed we visit elderly people as a nice way of spending time.We visited my elderly grandmother and an elderly freind of hers,both suggesting that we are a perfect shidduch.And yes my wife thinks i am a perfect husband and i think she is miss perfect.No less than 5x a day do we express our appreciation and affection.Likewise on the kids we express affection with a 5-1 ratio for criticism at minimum.She is thrilled to be molded and has a mother in law who loves her to death for making her son happy.And yes i compliment and bring flowers,not as much as i should,but frequently.Being hospitalized frequently the past couple of years,the nurses marvel at our harmony,much of which is discussed in the brochure.To all you losers out there,I feel bad that you do not have sholom bayis and tat he/she married a jerk or is a jerk,but that is what dating is about.On dates see how your date responds to beggars,to helping others etcTwo nice people who are compatable will live blissfully.I have 2 married children who have blissful marraiges,so what is all this whinig that all he cares about is looks.Maybe miss blimpie needs a diet,maybe there are alot of distractions out there and an attractive wife is important.Sorry I do not buy blame the guy story though the majority of problems that i counsel the husband is at fault,but the woman had a warning before she was married.
    MY TWO CENTS

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    Now I know why my marrige isn’t going so well…i’ve only been complimenting my wife 4 times a day. From now on it will be 5 times and hopefully everything will be wonderful again.