New York – It is with a heavy heart that I am putting pen to paper once again, prompted by another death that should never have happened.
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If we knew that Ebola was sweeping through our community, through our yeshivos, our shuls and our playgrounds, wouldn’t we do everything in our power to halt the progress of this deadly disease? Would we spare no expense or effort to insure that our family, our friends and everyone we knew was safe and out of harm’s way? Of course we would. Because we are a community that values the sanctity of human life above all.
Except when it comes to mental illness.
Mental illness? It falls into the same category as drug addiction and sexual abuse and is yet another unspoken taboo in our world. We try to pretend that these issues don’t exist and if anyone does get up the courage to speak up about a problem, we silence them so that we can continue burying our heads in the sand and pretend that we are safe. That these are issues that don’t happen to “us.”
But they do.
I spoke to one girl today who was suffering from mental illness. Her only friend in the world had just committed suicide and she had no one to turn to. She told me that she had an extremely difficult childhood and when she told someone how bad the situation was, instead of getting her the help she so desperately needed, they labeled her a “problem.” That categorization follows her everywhere she goes, every day of her life. She is a pariah, an outcast.
She told me straight out that I wouldn’t be interested in helping her. That when you speak to people from the Orthodox Jewish community, they call an askan, who arranges to have you put away in a hospital, so that they can pretend you don’t exist. I spoke with her for a while and she had a hard time believing that I was frum. Because I listened. And I cared. And from her experience, frum people do neither of those when it comes to mental health.
All of us were shaken by the tragic death of Faigy Meyer and there were those who suggested that she suffered from mental illness. The day after Faigy took her own life I made a statement that I stand behind today: While Faigy may not have been my biological sister and I never met her, she is my sister because she is a part of klal yisroel and therefore, I lost a sister when she died.
I don’t want to cause grief to the Meyer family, but I can’t watch people die anymore because they suffer from a mental illness. We must bring this issue into the spotlight so that people can get the help they so desperately need. If someone has cancer, we stop at nothing to get them the most qualified doctors and the best medicines. When someone struggles with infertility, we move heaven and earth to get them the treatments they need. We are so busy bringing new lives into this world, but what about the people who are already in this world? Why are we forgetting about them? Why are we not getting them the help that they need?
Mental illness is a disease and we must accept it to be a real issue, not an imaginary problem that we can just wish away. Only after we accept this as a reality can we make progress and stem the tide of suicides that have been ripping our young people away from us in the prime of their lives at an alarming rate.
In the past ten days we have lost two young lives, one to mental illness and one to a drug overdose. How many more will it take? Are we going to wait for every family in klal yisroel to be hit by drugs, or abuse, or mental illness before we start taking the lifesaving steps that are needed to help those who are in need? Just how many more deaths will it take to make us wake up and face this head on?
As a member of Hatzolah, I am allowed to drive on Shabbos because there is a safek of pikuach nefesh when I go on calls. But when it comes to issues like this, cases that are 100 percent matters of life and death, we hang back and stand by the sidelines. Something is wrong with our value system and something has to change.
We are the most giving, caring and generous community in the world. There is no other group that has half as many charitable organizations, individuals who give of their lives to help others, yet when it comes to matters such as these we are silent. We are letting our people die. Worse yet, by not accepting what is happening, we are killing our loved ones, our friends and our neighbors.
I think, better yet, I know, the that the time has long passed for us as a community to stand together, accept these issues at face value and work together to help those in pain. We need to help those who suffer in silence.
Mental Illness kills. Sexual Abuse kills. Addiction kills. And we need to take action now before another young life is lost.
Zvi Gluck is the director of Amudim Community Resources, an organization dedicated to helping abuse victims and those suffering with addiction within the Jewish community and has been heavily involved in crisis intervention and management for the past 15 years. For more information go to www.amudim.org.
Zvi, beautiful letter. But very sad because its true…..so true………
Well said and timely…Thank you
Very true your article, but what’s your point? The fact is, that mental illness is not a black and white illness, a lot of times its grey, meaning that someone could appear normal, blame certain systems and issues on people around them, when the truth is that they are suffering from severe clinical depression, that makes them see everything black, I don’t think anybody in the jewish community is closing their eyes to the people that suffer from mental illness, its rather, they community doesn’t know how to deal with it, its a very complicated illness, its very dificult to diagnose, and sometimes only when it reaches a tipping point and wrecks havoc that its being diagnosed.
We need awareness campaigns, explaining the symptoms, and screening those vulnarable to the illness, unfurtenalty most of the time, ask any proffesional in this line, the victims themselfs are the biggest ressistence to the treatment.
May hashem protect us all from this and other illness.
self serving drivel
the problem is the family is afraid of ruining shiduchim for the kids and so they hush every thing up….
i understand your point and it’s well written, but REALLY – do you have to write this publicly while there’s a family suffering a terrible loss?? What if this was YOUR child? Would you appreciate a public post if your child committed suicide?? Think about it please.
to quote you: “I don’t want to cause grief to the Meyer family, but I can’t watch people die anymore because they suffer from a mental illness”
if you don’t want to cause them grief, don’t post this publicly!!
I agree. Absolute drivel. Is there any proof that talking about something publicly helps anyone? There are organizations extant for mental health issues. They just don’t toot their horn like this fellow.
I ask him again. What could the community have done to stop this week’s suicide? She was hospitalized for two years. Is that ‘shoved under the rug’?
Unfortunately the religious community is more concerned that if they get help for a member of their family, that it will prevent them from finding “the perfect ” shidduch for their children, than they are in getting help for a troubled child.
Zevi, your opinion piece assumes that the Mayer family didn’t do enough to help with thier 2 daughters mental illness.
Even if your assumption is true and proven by facts, it’s 100% wrong at a time when a family is grieving 2 of their own.
When the first daughter died, I read an opinion piece that it was religious oppression and definitely not mental illness. Now it is mental illness, but the family/community didn’t do enough…
Its time to stop sensationalising every tragedy, don’t bring some genius to explain how it could have been avoided…
STOP!!! This is wrong!
Hey, what happened to blaming chassidim?
So people are now realizing that it was mental illness, and not the Chassidish community that took faigys life.
It’s a true and timely article but things are not going to change so fast. People are very worried about family image… Especially regarding future shiduchim …. A deep problem….
Maybe UJA and Masbia should stop wasting money on non-jews and help real frum people for once with Jewish money. Mental illness is highest amongst the frum but they can cover it up better with their frumkeit.
Mental illness is not well understood. Some are environmental an some are biological. Those that are environmental must be recognized and dealt with at the source i.e. bullying, peer pressure, home or school pressure, financial, and all other types of stress. Those that are biological in nature require medical treatment. Unfortunately many that have mental illness don’t recognize the need for help and if they do don’t know how to go about getting it.
Ok. Point taken. It’s true.
But where’s the next step. What is to be done to change the situation? What are you suggesting?
Please – could we just stop posting about this?? Think about the family and how they will read this all! Stop and think for a minute! Move on to the next piece of news!
Some years ago, a member of Chabad in my local community made a comment, which I felt was astounding. He stated that when he visited Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn, he was very surprised to “see so many frum people being treated there for mental illness”. His remark was patronizing, and in retrospect, not too intelligent. Did he somehow feel that because someone was frum, that they were somehow protected against mental illness? Mental illness is a equal opportunity disease. It affects not only frum Jews, but conservative Jews, reform Jews, and Jews without any religious background. It attacks goyim, as well. It is still misunderstood in 2015; people suffering from mental illness carry a horrible stigma. The vast majority of such people are not violent, and suffer in silence.
I don’t want to comment on this tragic story since it appears like mental illness was a leading factor in this girls suicide. But I do think the notion that we have that every OTD child is lonely or suffers from mental illness or is lacking love etc… is nonsense. Some do have those issues. But others simply have a yetzer hara. Its a big works and it looks like fun. Why not enjoy it? It doesn’t always have to be some deep overgeneralized cause.
I had family members who were hospitalized for psychological problems. Except in one hospital, there is no chaplain or other Jewish person for the Jewish patients to speak to about their problems, if they want to speak. In some of the hospitals, Jewish patients are denied religious rights, such as putting on tefillin (even under supervision), having a seder, or lighting a menorah. There is also very little outreach to Jewish adults who may not be connected to the Jewish community, especially if that person is isolated because of mental disabilities. If there are support groups for families of psychiatric patients, it is not publicized.
The frum community is among the most charitable communities in the entire world. I do not need to defend that statement. But there are many service gaps, and some of these take a huge toll on us. One is tuition assistance for yeshivos. Another is treatment programs, residences, and support services for those with mental illness and their families. Earlier, someone listed the lack of Jewish chaplains in psychiatric facilities. There are others.
Zvi, you are doing chesed by being outspoken. May HKB”H help you in this mission.
This article shows the naivete of the writer. He has no clue about mental illness. As if he or we could have prevented this terrible death. What childish talk. This woman was under top medical care. Mental Illness is a disease. It kills just like cancer kills. A word to Vos Iz Neis. Stop posting such self serving drivel by people who are self proclaimed askanem. The only thing it serves is adding more pain to the grieving family. And Mr. Gluck please call the Relief Organization, one of the excellent organization in this community that helps victims and their families suffering from mental illness. They will guide you on how to educate yourself about mental illness.
Mental illness is a disease that no matter how much effort, money and time you dispense for it unfortunately it cannot always be cured. I myself know someone who is suicidal. Her family and the community are doing everything in there power to help her. She herself is refusing to be helped. Lots of money and caring has been given. She’s been hospitalized numerous times, is constantly under a top psychiatrist and her family has paid for her extended vacations and is caring for her kids. Lots of years have past since her first episode and she still hasn’t been cured. To blame the community for dying of mental illness is something like blaming the community for dying of cancer.
There is a great misunderstanding and ignorance about mental illness.There is much yet to be learned about these illnesses.I have seen so called frum people making fun of people with mental illness.I think it is disgraceful.Would they make fun of someone who had cancer, heart disease or an autoimmune disease? Yet the latest research in psychiatry points to a unified mechanism of disease, I.e., inflammation of the heart, brain, joints etc.In schizophrenia the difference between normal and abnormal in the genes is simply a right to left shift.I hope my comments will lead to more sympathy and understanding of these illnesses in the frum community.
Mental illness isn’t categorized just by depression & suicidal tendencies. Nor does it equate to OTD. Imagine YOUR daughter sits at the Shabbos table talking to someone who isn’t there – but in her mind, he/she is real. Imagine hand gestures repeated over & over again, grunts, shrieks, & then she drinks more soup.
This is my friend’s daughter. They rarely get invited (or accept) invitations for Shabbos (except to us.) She suffers from a diagnosed mental illness & her mother has tried everything she knows to get her child help (the child is 30.) But mental illness isn’t cute or attractive. It’s ugly, often violent, and devastating for everyone. Mental illness is not mental retardation: look at John Nash, one of the most brilliant mathematicians ever. But it IS anti-social in many ways.
Mr. Gluck wrote a great article but I’m afraid that the general response is a) tut tut, so terrible, pass the pumpkin pie; or b) just an excuse, all they have to do is snap out of it. There needs to be a concerted effort in the frum community to help & support victims and their families. Will it happen? I don’t think so – not until there are more tragedies in our community.
“I lost a sister when she died. I don’t want to cause grief to the Meyer family,”
If the author really and truly felt this way, there is no way on earth that he could have smeared this girl and her family in public like this!
Many of us were under the impression, that this new organization “Amudim” was founded to cover the costs of therapy for abuse victims. It was not intended to take over the work of the organization Relief, which already has the expertise and the staff to handle counseling referrals. Another organization, ECHO, also does referrals for mental health counseling.
Perhaps this new organization should stick to fundraising for the mental health therapy for victims of abuse, as was stated in its original presentation. From the tone of this article, it doesn’t seem that they have the sensitivity to deal with victims directly. Let the people who do have refined sensitivity handle those sufferers who need their help finding the appropriate mental health professional. It’s a different skills set.
The real problem is that much of mental illness is not an illness or disease, it is a condition. It is not something to just be cured or fixed. It is part of one’s personality. Yeshiva schools, all the way down to kindergarten, want to teach kids to fit in a small box. Parents of children who don’t fit are handed the kids to bring back when they are fixed or have a magic pill.
Look at high functioning children in the autistic spectrum who should be academic stars in a yeshiva environment and instead are allowed to be bullied and marginalized socially. The yeshiva officially rewards only academic prowess, so children with social leadership potential need to remove an academic threat by bullying and/or socially destroying others who could be academically superior in limited areas but have no social skills. The environment then blames the victims for not fitting in.
If the yeshiva system would shift to training leaders to utilize and help others as resources for group success, there would be much less marginalization of mental illness in the classroom. Until then, new leaders are just being made as gangsters who are afraid of appearing academically inferior.
The problem here is not mental health.The problem here is a lack of empathy in the jewish community and society.Yes mental health trouble is in every community,No one should be ashamed of that because everyone has troubles at one time or the other.It can happen to anyone.But the girls were living in hell,put yourself in their shoes.Imagine if you are living like them.You are forced to marry your own cousin by your own family,you are raised in a strict religious situation and when you are traumatized by being in a forced abusive relationship with your own cousin your family then puts you in a mental hospital for TWO YEARS.How can they leave her in a mental hospital for years?She probably got much worse there because they kept here there too long.Two months would be more than enough time for even the most troubled people.The girl was incarcerated like a prisoner after being a prisoner by her family and cousin.Of course she got more depressed as time went on, she is human with human emotions.Would any of you want to be forced married to your own cousin?How do you know what she went through in a forced abusive marriage?She had situational depression.Where are the human rights?
Too easy to call the results of Abuse “Mental Illness”. Its the abusers who are mentally ill, not their victims.
IGNORANCE IS NOT A QUALIFICATION TO WRITE AN OP-ED!
I’ve been through the mental health roller coaster and the frum community is dealing with mental health as good and even better than the rest of society. To name just a few organizations, Ohel, Relief, Echo. Relief alone receives 200 phone calls a day and staffs referral experts in Brooklyn, Lakewood, Canada, Europe & Israel. Perhaps self serving drivel or trying to be askan by bashing the public. I suggest you contact Sendy Orenstein and learn something about mental health and other areas of community support that he has been the driving force and how he was successful getting tens of thousands of people to call him for help.Making noise doesn’t make you an askan and offers no help to anyone.if this was a advertisement for amidim try positive marketing.