New York – Are You ‘Kovaya Itim’?

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    Hasidic couple walking during holidayNew York – Of course, hearing the CBS report is distressing to all of us. We could get angry; we could accuse them of anti Hasidim. We also could enjoy gossiping about the foibles of others.

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    But friends, things happen in life to teach us lessons. A couple of years ago, my wife and I wrote an article for the Jewish Press that I believe offers a different twist on the issue, and could answer some of the problems raised, by getting at their core. Chazal say, ein apotropus le-arayos (Kesuvos 13b). We all must nurture our relationships so that we will find comfort in our loved ones and not be tempted.

    Shloimie comes home around 8:30pm, he finds his wife asleep on their son’s bed, along with their son. Apparently, Yehudis was so exhausted that in trying to put her son to sleep, she herself passed out. Shloime quietly warms up the plate of food his wife left and after eating supper he sits down on the couch and opens a sefer. Within minutes, he too is fast asleep on the couch. Yehudis wakes up around 10pm and finds her husband asleep and takes a blanket from the closet to cover him. She then goes to bed. In another few hours, Shloimie’s alarm will go off and the next day will begin, most likely ending in the same way.

    When most people hear the phrase “koveya ittim”, they think of the daily moral obligation upon every Jewish male to set aside time to study Torah. However, in this article we will discuss a different kind of koveya ittim.

    If one interviewed most frum couples and asked them to list their priorities of the day and of their life, one would hear responses such as: Raising good children, earning a living, acquiring knowledge of Torah, and performing acts of chessed. These are all important and worthy activities, but is that all there is? It is rare for a couple to consider another crucial activity, namely, spending time together alone.

    It is a very rare zaddik indeed who can live his or her life solely in service of others. Most people who ignore their emotional needs become irritable, bitter or quietly resentful. Over the long haul, couples will not be able to function effectively as parents, breadwinners, or even kley kodesh unless they spend some time focused on emotionally meaningful activity that nurtures their relationship. Even if one spouse of the couple is that rare zaddik or zadekes, the other spouse usually is not. This leads to an imbalance where one spouse is feeling constantly deprived but also guilty because the other spouse is too holy to care about mundane emotional needs.

    Unfortunately, many couples today are not given the social sanction and encouragement to develop a relationship with their spouses. It is just assumed that you get married and live happily ever after. But that rarely happens without much effort and commitment, and spending time growing together. We often see postings about kinuses and kol korehs regarding important communal and spiritual issues: “Be careful not to speak loshon hora”, “How to help our less fortunate brothers in Eretz Yisroel”, “The dangers of the Internet”, “Youth at risk” etc. Who out there is telling the couples that it is a priority and a moral obligation to tend to your spouse and your relationship? (Note: Agudath Yisrael put out a kuntros for Chassan Rebbes, in which it quotes Rabbi Avigdor Miller ZT’L as advising couples to spend time alone together weekly. Hadracha L’chassanim, pp. 10-11.)

    People are very busy and stressed. Most people would not go to minyan or set aside time to study Torah unless the values of the community were so strongly in favor of these activities. Since they are a priority, people make the necessary sacrifices in order to fulfill these moral obligations. But somehow, couples do not get the message that maintaining their relationship is also a priority and cannot be neglected. Perhaps the reason why so many couples avoid spending time alone is because it feels indulgent or selfish to spend scarce funds or time treating one’s spouse to a special evening. But take it from us, it is not indulgent or selfish to do this, rather it is a fulfillment of the mitzvah of V’Ahavta L’Reacha Kamocha — Love your neighbor as yourself.

    Some might say this is referring to doing chessed for others, not one’s spouse. Indeed, often we treat strangers a whole lot better than we treat our own family. We wouldn’t hesitate to invite a guest for Shabbos, but how do we treat our own family members? Do they feel welcome at our table? However, in point of fact, halacha points us to the opposite direction. With the mitzvah of tzedaka, the more closely related the person is, the greater the mitzvah and the greater the obligation (Shulchan Aruch, Y.D. 251:3). So now, there are no more excuses. Are YOU koveya ittim?

    Simcha and Chaya Feuerman provide psychotherapy to individuals, couples and families. Their offices are located in Brooklyn and Queens, NY. To contact the Feuermans call 718 793-1376 or email them at [email protected].


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    63 Comments
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    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    15 years ago

    well said, we should all spend more time with our families

    The Shadow
    The Shadow
    15 years ago

    Well put. VERY well put.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    15 years ago

    GREAT ARTICLE!!!

    robroy560
    robroy560
    15 years ago

    Very good post… This is a much more professional and polished idea. That is obvious because Simcha and Chaya Feuerman are professionals.

    I’m not making light of the halachot of taharat mishpacha, but that once a month issue is easy to study out of a sefer. Showing love, both intimacy and being your spouse’s ezer k’negdo, cannot be learned out of a sefer. This is something our children need to see in the home (obviously not martital relations). But if our kids see the respect and love their parents show each other, they will be better off. Likewise, they should learn about being a proper spouse before the sidduch process starts. Otherwise, we are going to continue to send our kids to the chuppah at a disadvantage. Of course I’ll be ripped apart for saying this: “Well, I’m the product of a 1 date shidduch and I’m fine.” Well, good for you for not being a statistic. The majority of marriages may be in danger if we don’t address this now.

    Whether the C BS story was legitimate or not, we should all use this as a wake up call to take care of our own homes first before we pass judgement on others.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    15 years ago

    great atricle

    yoelyg
    yoelyg
    15 years ago

    I slept few times on the couch in middle of learning its amazing. the gouim dousnt have such a hobby.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    15 years ago

    This includes going to simchas , together, alone in the car. It is very intrusive when others request rides to a wedding. People should use judgement when and when not to intrude on the privacy of a couple, spending a few moments alone, away from the kids. Many, when asked, are too embarassed to refuse and say. “No, you take your own car.”

    Aha!
    Aha!
    15 years ago

    I’m taking my wife to a NY Knicks game next week. Tickets cheap, and its somethign different. Think outside the box and take the Rebbetzin somewehre besides a restaurant!

    happy man
    happy man
    15 years ago

    Thank you Rabbi Simcha Feuerman.
    The number One for Healthy Happy Good children.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    15 years ago

    as a wife, mother, grandmother, daughter of an alzhiemer sufferer and his wife, sister, aunt etc. the importance of this issue isoftenoverlooked.Im ain ani li mi li and my marraige and spouse arepart ofme thatis so deep thati can’t function as any of the others without him! if you don’t nurture your relationships they die and that is the worst scenario of all! I think my married kids have learned from us that alone time is a chiyuv in a marraige as we learned from our parents!

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    15 years ago

    they probably take their experience from the “wounded cases” coming to them for help.
    a typical everyday person would come home 6:30 to 7:00, usually the couple has dinner together, atleast partially. then the man goes to shul for his learnings.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    15 years ago

    I have a very busy schedule with many working hours, so we made a – maybe – interesting routine, basically once a month or so we (couple) goes for a ‘date like’ outing, to a waterfront, botanical gardens, park, restaurant etc. I’ve been doing it a long time, and it works wonders!
    Of course every shabbes is real family time from start to end.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    15 years ago

    I LOVE TO SEE HUSMBAND AND WIFE WALKING DOWN THE STREET AND BOTH ARE ON THE CELL PHONE

    kiruv
    kiruv
    15 years ago

    ME and my husband have supper every night together (with some exceptions), my husband gives the kids a story once or twice a week to get them to sleep with warmth and love, as he helps put the kids to bed almost every night.
    As far as learning, he gets up before 5 in the morning to learn some 2 hours plus, he davens and goes to work, and in the eve he just attends a short shiur of less than an hour, sometimes he studies with the kids or so, and he is home basically whenever he’s supposed to, and even goes to sleep on time in his BED, not in living room.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    15 years ago

    Oh, this story is quite strange, most normal settled people, even with the most busy schedule, find ‘quality time’ for the wife and for the kids, someone acting different needs some help.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    15 years ago

    My husband and I make a point of ‘running away’ for a couple of days approximately twice a year. We arrange for babysitting and child care and we go ‘nurture’ our marriage and ourselves for a 48 – 72 hour period, coming home better parents, spouses, and people.

    Chasidishe lady
    Chasidishe lady
    15 years ago

    my husband is a big talmid chuchom and great masmid, he gets up like 3:00 am every day, he is a serious learner, and I would do anything he should be able to go on with his busy learning schedule all day, its my passion and devotion for Torah, I wouldn’t dream of anything better, I feel I’m the happiest woman on earth.
    BTW, my husband gives me 10-15 minutes private time each and every day when I’m joining him by supper.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    15 years ago

    “Every shabbos is a real family time”

    Though that it true, we must be careful on Shabbos and Erev Shabbos. Often the wife and/or husband is all stressed out preparing for Shabbos, and tend to show it. They same can be said for Shabbos morning with kids. These times are areas where we can be nichshal. Watch out.

    yisrael
    yisrael
    15 years ago

    bravo, well said feuermans

    ANONYMOUS
    ANONYMOUS
    15 years ago

    THIS ARTICLE IS A TOTAL LIE!!!!! THERE ARE PLENTY OF LOVING COUPLES LIKE OURSELVES WHO SPEND LOTS OF TIME TOGETHER!!!
    GIVE ME A BREAK!! THIS WORLD IS JUST PUTTING DOWN THE YIDDEN BECAUSE OF SOME LITTLE MINORITY OF IDIOTIC NERDS!!!

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    15 years ago

    I also beleive there is another problem of couples communicating to much and being together to much. Just as dangerous. Be careful men need to get out and do their men thing and I beleive women enjoy most refreshing and going out a little woth friends. ( Again dont overdue it)

    john
    john
    15 years ago

    eli devarim she´adam ochel peirosaihem ba´olam hazeh vihakeren kayemes le´olam habah shalom bein adam lachaveiro uven ish le´ishto

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    15 years ago

    After each of us having a failed marriage, my spouse and I have learned the importance of finding the positive in our relationship. We have a simple rule. Instead of looking for the negative, we both try and find something positive that the other did that day. The rules is simple. Ask yourself “did I say something nice to my partner today?”.

    The most important this to remember is that as a person, we need to feel appreciated. Someone said something nice to your partner today and made them feel good. Make sure that this person is you or bad things may happen.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    15 years ago

    No matter what a tough day I had, I make sure when I come home to say a happy and loud “good evening” when stepping in to the home, you can see all faces enlightened with a happy smile. and even when I walk in on the most tense situations, its just defrosting and a change of atmosphere takes over be”h.
    plus I make my priority to call (or text) my wife atleast once a day: how is your day going? are you managing well? etc. its a great expeience

    AAA
    AAA
    15 years ago

    Aren’t we all grown ups, Do we need to be told to spend quality time with our spouses? Maybe we should be told to brush our teeth, or maybe we should be told to be m’chanich our kinderlich? Or maybe we should be told to pay our bills?

    Joker
    Joker
    15 years ago

    The main thin g on healthy Shalom Bayis is communication. It would be much better for me if I would’ve learned that before. Me and my wife suffered terribly, since the begining of our marriage, we were simply uncommunicative, so this really gave us misery, BH now I know how to communicate, because touch is not always enough, you need to have healthy communication, Wish I knew that 10 years ago, but better now than never. Enjoy

    Gefilte Fish
    Gefilte Fish
    15 years ago

    I don’t remember from whom I heard it, some marriage counselor/psychologist on TV said you should put away minimum 45 minutes twice a week, to date! take your wife on a date; don’t talk about the stressful things in life i.e. kids, job, financial worries etc. just talk about the things young couples talk when they’re dating. Catch up on each others life and so on.

    People, I tried it, let me tell you, it pays big interests. our relationship improved tremendously from it, not that it was in bad shape prier to that, just became better.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    15 years ago

    just don’t go biking together in Williamsburg

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    15 years ago

    This is an article that I really think is true. When I was shunu rishone I used to go eat by my shviger and mother every shabbos, never ever was I able to stay home ourselves for shabbos. Never ever was I able to stay home ourselves for shabbos during the week was also a disaster that was so wrong. Today I spend home with my wife and kids every extra minute and I could spend hours with wife and children. I really think that people should not put pressure on their kids to come eat be them, maybe every 5 weeks, these couple need their time to get to know each other.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    15 years ago

    Here’s a provocative thought. Torah learning itself does not protect someone from infidelity, intruding thoughts, eating treif, straying eyes, etc. But Torah is a shmira! Actually, Torah only has the additional features as listed in the psukim in tehillim 19 when the learning is with intent to be osek in HKB”H’s Torah. The studying of the subject matter, no matter how holy, does not have the extra benefits. This comes from several meforshim as well as sifrei chassidus.

    The bottom line is that the dedication to Torah learning is the key, not the number of hours spent in front of a sefer. When this is honest and sincere, Talmud Torah involves the “ochel perosayhen ba’olam hazeh”. Let us keep the focus on the sincerity.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    15 years ago

    Leave #11 alone. I love sports (BB is not my favorite, but give me tickets and I am there). I was screaming louder than DH when the Giants won last year. I am sure he asked his wife if she wanted to go to the Knicks game. And it is fun! But please bring earplugs, the noise level is impossible.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    15 years ago

    Excellent subject. What has always bothered me after 21 years of marriage is that after I get up at 5:45 a.m. for the daf and davening, the stresses of a full day of work, squeezing in running out for a mincha minyan, and then standing for close to an hour on a crowded subway train commuting home, getting home often at 8:00 p.m., eating a quick supper, helping the kids with homework, and then learning again, I am physically and mentally exhausted. I would like to spend more quality time, but after fulfilling so many obligations – I am spent.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    15 years ago

    the best advice i have for women out there who have husbands who are too spent with just providing for the family , make a day in the week that is your time as a couple . Do not hesitate to implement ! this idea has made our life so much more exciting and meaningful . We both look forward for this special alone time.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    15 years ago

    I will assume kovaya itim means to have a positive set time for couple to work on their physical relationship…something else that falls by the wayside, unfortunately..which will then cause one or both to look for what they ar missing at home elsewhere.