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Dear Rebbetzin:
Please accept my thoughts on the painful letter regarding one family’s financial problems. My mother, ob”m, contracted breast cancer when I was 10 years old. My father, an engineer, worked full-time, which provided our family with sufficient funds. We were not wealthy or even “well off,” and my parents made sacrifices to ensure that my sister and I received proper training. The onslaught of sudden illness made a considerable impact on our situation to say nothing of the emotional devastation.
My parents, who had always taught us well about money management, dealt with the issue forthrightly. Yes, it was difficult for my father to speak of this with my sister and me, but I remember my father’s words well. He advised us that our family structure and basic needs of food and shelter would not be threatened, but that each of us was to have a role in dealing with the immediate and long-term situation, which would require hiring part-time help in our home plus additional expenses to keep the household running. These sums were far from insignificant for my father.
My sister and I were told that our part involved giving up our weekly allowances (these were very small sums indeed) and to think carefully before asking for any future purchases. If we truly needed something, and it was possible, the arrangements would be considered – not guaranteed but considered. I cannot describe the pain this caused my father, but neither can I adequately explain the level of elevated esteem to which he rose in my eyes. His example has followed me all my life.
While this dear lady’s situation is much more complex and likely more dire, the principle remains the same. Deal with situations with honesty and humility; express your pain and regret to family members and remind them and yourself that true family is not built on finances but is built and sustained on joint loving support.
If the family as a unit, and as individuals, calls upon Hashem with its whole heart, even drastic life changes can be borne. I believe my parents gave my sister and me great honor by trusting us to do our small part and certainly the younger and adult children of this situation will respond in the same manner if they are approached with honesty and love.
As to gifts for Purim, we can all rethink the issue of extended gift lists and perhaps develop alternative, even if not customary, gifts. Perhaps instead of fruits and nuts, we can give friends our time and abilities, even exchanging such mundane tasks as ironing, watching children for an hour or two so that parents can have some time to themselves, or simply giving each other the gift of a phone call on a regular basis. It may not be possible to be as generous as in previous times, but by closely examining our lists, appropriate choices can be made.
We should not overlook the impact of a sincerely written note rather than ordering traditional baskets. These are extraordinary times and we are being called upon to look deep within ourselves to find new methods of expression while continuing to affirm the goodness of Hashem in our daily lives.
Thank you for allowing me to express my opinion. May these difficult times pass by, and like the thunder which accompanies life-giving rain, remind us that we are always to trust Hashem’s plans. If you feel any of these words would comfort others, please feel free to share them at will.
Sincerely yours,
Deinya Mautz
Jacksonville, Florida
My Dear Friend:
Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your story. After what you have been through, it’s very kind of you to consider that our letter writer’s problem is more severe than yours was. G-d should not test any of us, but terminal illness, losing a mother when you were a child, was surely more devastating than any financial crisis, although you tasted that as well. Too often, when hearing of challenges experienced by others, people who have suffered tend to dismiss them as minor compared to theirs. But a sensitive, kind person will understand that to each person, his/her pain is the most acute.
In regard to your suggestion vis-à-vis mishloach manos, I would like to point out that while the acts of chesed you recommend are certainly very meaningful and worthwhile, they are not substitutes for the mitzvah of mishloach manos, which requires sending at least two ready-to-eat foods to a friend. Such a gift need not be expensive and is certainly within the reach of everyone. The problem is not the mishloach manos, but the extravagance and lavishness that too often accompany it and the desire of people to impress and outdo others.
Esther and Mordechai instituted this wonderful concept to build friendship, harmony and good will among our people. If someone wishes to go beyond the letter of the law and send to many people, it is praiseworthy to do so. But we should bear in mind that, even as we have been given the mitzvah of mishloach manos, we have also been given the mitzvah of matanos l’evyonim – gifts to the poor. If a choice must be made, it is more important to increase our gifts to the poor.
Having said all this, I am in total accord with you that we have to re-think our manner of giving mishloach manos nowadays, and I addressed this issue in my last column. Additionally, in our current financial climate, matanos l’evyonim should be a priority and replace the extravagant gift baskets. But again, I must emphasize that this does not mean that we should, chas v’shalom, do away with the beautiful, joyous mitzvah of mishloach manos.
Purim is an amazing, wonderful Yom Tov for the entire family, and children especially revel in the joy of the day, delivering little food baskets to friends and neighbors. But again, these need not be expensive – two different, ready-to-eat foods that are symbolic of love and good wishes are all that are required, and if we keep it simple and modest, we will be able to include many people on our lists. Your suggestions of chesed however, are well taken, and can be added to, but not substituted, for mishloach manos and matanos l’evyonim.
I invite all our readers to share their experiences. Please e-mail your stories to [email protected]. May Hashem grant that this Purim brings true joy and redemption to all our families and to Klal Yisrael.
As far as I’m concerned, your’e yotzei the mitzvah by giving food with two different bruchos. Those who make themselves a pressure to send lavish, expensive things do not have anyone to blame but themselves.
It is elementary halacha that it is better to give more matanos l’evyonim rather than more manos.
I heard in a shiur that one merely has to provide a friend with two food items (even if they are the same brocho), and that it is preferable if the items are ready to eat and can be used at the seuda, which usually involves some meat.
As for the matanos l’evyonim, a monetary gift enough to purchase a meal should suffice as the minimum. Let’s be honest: one cannot buy a meal with a dollar (except maybe at McDonald’s, which is obviously not shayach).
I say let’s expand on matanos l’evyonim and be more modest in the mishloach manos (unless you are supporting a Jewish small business which relies on mishloach manos for its seasonal business, for example).
Now is the not the time for ostentation.
My friend had a job making baskets but not enough people were buying so she lost her job. By buying the baskets, you’re also giving a Jew a job, which is the highest form of tzedakah. A campaign needs to be done to support Jewish businesses and for Jewish businesses to hire Jews and pay them well.
We all agree that the situation of giving shloch monos has been out of hand for years now I hope that with the present finacial climate things will return to a normal level the only thing I will not be however cutting back on is my cheque to the rebbe in cheder as he needs to live as well and doesnot need my wine and chocolates we should all enjoy a pressured free purim and enjoy the true simcha from with in
#3 think before you write. what will be with all the people who sell mishloach manos for a living? will you single handidly support them?
I couldn’t agree more. Let’s support our children’s moros teachers and rabbeim!
A freiliche purim!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#4 these mishloach manos sellers have created a matzav where everyone is in a race to outdo everyone else. in normal times, it is not right, and much more so in today’s situation. if this is how they are making a living, i would rather call it “making a killing”
why do us frum people always have to be told what and how to do things. concerts, weddings, purim baskets, etc. Are we that dumb to realize people have their own minds, priorities, and agendas! since when do rebbes need to fly private jets to small shtetls in Europe?
As long as there is a catchy theme, two Brachos are not necessary.
WOW. Halivay this should be the worst of the worst problems in our community.
I went out shopping yesterday, I DID NOT SEE ANY SIGN OF RECESSION OUT IN THE STORES B’H., , maybe the credit card bills are accumulating……
To #14 I am in the same position as you are and I feel for you. I bought 2 bags and I have an extra if necessary. This has become big business and whole theme and idea behind it has disappeared!! People go their own way and mind their business now and really do not care if somebody else does not have something to eat!!
#11 “why do us frum people always have to be told what and how to do things. concerts, weddings, purim baskets, etc. Are we that dumb to realize people have their own minds, priorities, and agendas! since when do rebbes need to fly private jets to small shtetls in Europe?”
Unfortunately may people need a bit of advice today, because they do not have a mind of their own. The peer pressure is tremendous and maybe talks like this will encourage them to do what they think is right, and not because they don’t have the courage to do things differently.
They should not be told, only given suggestions. It is each individual’s right to do as they please.
until people stop living up the jonses then this will carry on!!!
You can be yoitzeh essrog with a $10 one. You can be yoitzeh chanukah licht with simple candles in a tin menorah. You can be yoitzeh lots of mitzvos with less, BUT YOU DON’T!!!
So why are you cutting back on the shlach monos that you are giving “yenem”???
Start with cutting back on the mitzvos you enjoy, like showing off a $500 essrog in a silver box, or lighting chanukah candles in your window with olive oil and bees wax candles in a silver menorah.
Or how about cutting back on your fancy seudas shabbos and yom tov – you can be yoitzeh with a piece of challeh. Save those calories and make that cut, before you start sending out monos of a raisen and a candy!
Don’t be mevazeh yourself, your friends and the mitzvah!
When I was in Yeshiva, we collected money from the bochrim in our shiur & went to the local supermarket to buy a mishloach manos basket for our Rebbe. Along with a small bottle of schnaps & some candy, we mainly bought items that the Rebbe & his family would buy anyway and non perishable things (eg, cans of tuna) and put it in a basic basket/box. Our Rebbe (and especially his wife) were so grateful for weeks afterwards that we did not just send huge amounts of chocolate, nosh and candy like is so often done every other year, especially just before pesach.
If people just think about what they are doing a little bit and put everything in perspective, then there wont be any need to feel out of place when only giving 1 mishloach manos, or “only” giving 2 items, rather than 10 all wrapped up in a fancy basket.
Also, the mitzva is suppose to be 2 ready to eat items, but how come I still have left from last year those items that people send (because it fits with their theme) that I would always hesitate to eat/drink even if it were the last items I had at home – eg sparkling peach flavored grape juice and a blue “simcha” schnapps!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t see the point in continuing this discussion.
Those that are intent on spending lavishly and buying ostentatious baskets will continue to do so. Those that are knowledgeable of the halachos surrounding and purpose behind the mitzvos of Purim will send their 1 basket, give the remainder of the money otherwise spent on shaloch manos to the needy and let their friends and family know tzedeka was given in lieu of their basket.
We can all stipulate to the fact that lavish spending is a macro issues permeating many different areas within the Jewish world. There’s no need for everybody to list their own personal examples of outrage. Those with brains are aware and those without aren’t going to hear it from a forum such as this.
Raboisi,
This is a perfect opportunity for the Rebbe’s, askonim, and heiliga Roshe yeshivas to take a stand on an inyan of vital importance to the oylim. This mishigas of spending money on gashmiusdika zachin is intolerable and causing much tzar in our community. People are afraid to give a normal shaluch monos package the way we did in the altar heim. So they go over their heads and into debt just to show off and avoid embaressment . Then when it comes to schar limud they cry poverty.
Heiliga Rebbes,
Please stand up and be counted. It may hurt a little now (you wont get the big presents you are used to) but you will be doing a great service to the average man on ther street who cant afford this nonsense.
which set of diamond jewlry was she wearing when she wrote this? we should always be careful about the crazy amount of spending, financial crisis or not
I can’t believe I’m reading frum people discouraging others from spending money on this mitsvah. If you can’t afford a lavish shalach manos, don’t buy one. If you can, and you spend money on lavis everything else, your car, house, food, etc., then why would you cut corners on this mitsva? That being said, the Rambam says b’feirush that it is better to increase matonos l’evyonim than the other mitzvos. But if someone does everything, even non-mitzvos b’hidur, and he is giving tzedaka b’hidur, and matonos l’evyonim b’hidur, why must we discourage him from giving nice shalach manos? Shouldn’t people give in keeping with their financial abilities?
OMG is the socialist behavior creeping into our Mechanchim now ? What is going on this is the same argument about going to a hotel for Pesach please! If Hashem blessed you with the Parnasah why not enjoy it?
nope…..just send some money to the rebbizen…she will take care of it…and send a card to someone with your name on it….trust in the rebbitzen brother….she is smarter than you
Does anyone look at the halachah before spewing am haratzus?:
Rambam- Hilchos Megilah, 2:17
וכל המרבה לשלוח לריעים, משובח.
Firstly I think there should be takanos on the amount one spends on mishloach monos. $100 baskets should be banned! Secondly, there should be a takono on the AMOUNT of sholoch monos people give. I know somebody who has NO money and is supported that gives MORE than 100 baskets. There is something terribly wrong with the system today
R u really yotzie shaloch manos with candy ? Its such a beziyion. Adults sending thousands of dollars on mike and ikes only to dumped in to the jep container.
#36 and #40 : Your thinking is about 6 months outdated. So many people are out of work and struggling that it becomes an issue of sensitivity.
You ask, if a person has the parnassah, why shouldn’t they enjoy the mitzvah of shalach manos by sending elaborate packages? I ask, how can they “enjoy” spending so much money on large packages of junk food that everyone knows often get thrown away? When other Yidden are struggling to feed their families? I would not be able to “enjoy” that.
Better would be to send a simple shalach manos and include a note that due to the current economic crisis, in lieu of a large basket you are sending something simple, and $18 or $36 will be donated to Tomchei Shabbos for each shalach manos you send. (I’m referring to those who otherwise would have spent that money on the shalach manos package, and who have enough parnassah.) That way, they could still send to many people, enjoy the mitzvah, and set a good example of thoughtfulness and sensitivity. I would think that the opinion of their friends would only go up after that.
Many years ago Rabbi Horowitz from Darchei Noam in Monsey did a very smart thing. He asked that instead of the parents sending him shalach manos, that we contribute money for what ever tzedakah he was collecting for that year. Of course the children got a little pekeleh from him but as a parent I was so happy that he realized the amount of money being spent on himself and shifted the focus to a good cause. I took this as a personal lesson and started sending out Tomchei Sabbos cards to everyone instead of shalach manos and then fulfill the mitzvah with one Shalach manos. I still get people sending me shalach manos, but I recycle what I get and send them out. Most people appreciate the gesture. I know this year mre than ever Tomchei Shabbos can use all the money it can raise. This has makes our Purim more meaningful and more fun. The kids still get to give to some friends but instead of spending the day in the car we spend it at home as a family with family.
# 59 here: I made a typo. I meant that #36 and #40 said they shoudl be able to make shalach manos as big as they want, and I said it would be more sensitive and less wasteful to make them simpler, and spend the money on tzedakah instead. And if they don’t want their friends/neigborscolleagues to feel slighted, a note explaining the increased tzedakah would be well received by most.
The problem with hiddur mitzvah is that it very quickly becomes a competition to see who can boast to their friends, rather than who can do their best for the sake of the mitzvah itself. I would rather send a $20 roast chicken instead of a $20 bar of chocolate.
mishlach manot and matnyot l’evyonim should not be given to wealthy people, instead, after you have given your two baskets of hot cooked food to actual needy people, give an envelope with a receipt showing that you give the merit of your donation to tzedaka to the receipient. Nobody eats all of that candy before Pesach anyway.